Long but please read, I need help and answers and some peace oof mind soon or I'll go crazy: I need help figuring out what are the lies and how can I make him tell me the truth. Married 14 years, he's an alcoholic and I'm codependent. Last year told him things needed to change or we had to end. For the first time ever he "tried" to get sober...went to AA, detox program, therapy, etc. I started intensive therapy for my codependence. I had totally lost myself into the marriage and trying to save him, I need help and to save myself. We were doing very well I thought for a few months, very happy and communicating and working on our marriage. Then I discovered he was secretly drinking, monitoring how much he drank so as to not get caught. He really went through a lot of effort to hide it from me, he might as well have stayed sober for all that work. Anyway, I tried again to be supportive and not critical or judgmental as I had been in the past about his alcoholism, he promised me he would get help again, go to therapy, etc. That was three months ago. Nothing has happened but I have been continuing my therapy and getting stronger every day. Until last week.
Monday of last week he and I were talking about our plans to take a trip in July to see our/his) niece get married. We haven't been doing well these last three months, I've put some boundaries in place for what I will and won't accept or do, healthy boundaries like I won't engage in a conversation and ultimately an argument with a drunk person. On one hand our dynamic has become much more peaceful, there is less conflict because I'm not on his case 24/7. On the other hand I think he needs that conflict to feel special, and he doesn't at all see the positive changes in me. I think he just sees how things impact him. Tuesday of last week I came home to him buzzed, saying he was confused about our plans to take this trip. He didn't want to talk to me about it and I felt completely confused at the total switch from the day before. A few minutes later I see him look at his phone with a very odd smile, odd enough to make me ask what he was smiling about. He got defensive, said he wasn't, then said it was something about work. Not even a minute later he got up and very loudly, awkwardly announced that "uh, yeah, I have a few calls to make so I'll be back." It was very bizarre and so I asked who he was calling. After a few fumbled words he told me he was going to call his friends to talk about his feelings. I got a bit upset and asked why he didn't talk to me since this was about us, why was he shutting me out again? He repeated the need to talk about his feelings with his friends and when I asked which friends he named all of them (?!). His normal spot is in the garage, drinking and smoking until he's hammered and goes in the back room to pass out (7 days a week). I heard the dogs going crazy at the front windows and when I went to see what it was I saw him. In his work truck. On his phone. I went upstairs because wtf...he was out there for almost two hours.
Wednesday I came home from work about an hour later than usual, had a happy hour for a friend who just finished her degree. He knew about it. I came home to find the house pitch black, the dogs had clearly been alone and in the dark for a while by how they reacted when I came in. I let them out not sure if he was home, then I heard him in the garage. Laughing and talking very animatedly. I opened the door to ask why no lights on and if they dogs had been fed...normally he would tell whoever to "hold on the misses just came home" and he would address me. It was like a Beyoncé song "say my name, say my name,” he didn't acknowledge me to the other person, he didn't tell the person on the phone to hold on. Instead he slide the phone down from his ear toward his lap....and I heard her voice. All of two seconds but I knew this wasn't family, this wasn't work, this was a "her"....there was a "her" in my life now. As he slide the phone down he clearly hung up because before it reached his lap she called back. He didn't answer. I kept saying "who were you talking to? Who is she?" He was drunk, first he tried to push past me into the house saying "I’m not dealing with you, I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed. Just leave me alone", then he got arrogant and said it was none of my business who he talks to, then he said those four words...."she's just a friend." My whole body exploded in cold pain, my heart felt like it stopped and I thought I was going to die. I started crying and started to leave the garage and all I could say over and over and over again was "I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid...."
I left the house and stayed with my sister, I was up all night. Not exactly angry, not exactly sad or confused...more like a good combo of the three emotions as well as just done. I have spent so many years twisted up in nots over his drinking, I just couldn't handle one more piece of pain, I couldn't process anymore pain. It was like I went on autopilot. I decided I was going back in the morning to get my clothes because there is no way I could be in that house anymore or even look at him, I found an attorney and booked an appointment online for the next day. I honestly wasn't even sure what I was doing, I was just finally doing something. Thursday I moved all my clothes out and a few personal, sentimental items like pictures. I hadn't heard a single word from him since I left the house the night before. The first message I got from him was at 3:15, as I'm in the lawyer’s office, letting me know he knew I had gone to the house to take my clothes (a neighbor told him). I didn't respond. At 5:30 that night I got the message that "She's just an old friend from the neighborhood I grew up in, I bumped into her at a job site and we were just catching up. She's married with two kids." Mind you again, I had been gone since 8:30 pm the night before. I still said nothing and at this point I was fairly certain by his actions I had been lied to and cheated on, so no need to respond. By 6am Friday morning I had rented a U-Haul, hired movers and rented a storage room. It's amazing what you can accomplish with the internet and no sleep. By 2pm Friday I had moved everything that was mine out. I didn't clear the house out or screw him over. I left half of all dishes, I left all the big furniture and most of the home decor stuff. I took sentimental pieces that family had given me over the years, all the indoor holiday decorations from the shed, just things that were mine. And a bed and most of the photo albums. I left him list of items I took, my attorney's card with instructions to communicate through him only and the house keys.
Friday was also our wedding anniversary. I hadn't heard from him since the message the day before, no calling me or trying to find out where I am. Friday evening around 5:30 I get a text "guess I should cancel the dinner reservation for tonight." My hand to God and all that is holy in 14 years that man never made a dinner reservation in his life, I honestly though he meant the message for the other girl because I had no idea what he was talking about. Saturday he messaged me about stupid things, where had I moved things in the house, etc. I answered those because I don't want to be accused of hiding anything or making this difficult.
Sunday he messaged me to ask if I was still going on the trip to his niece's wedding next month!?!?!?!!!!!! That started a little back and forth with me explaining that no I'm not going, you lied to me, you've either cheated or were planning too, I don't deserve this, etc. He again went the whole she's just a friend route. Monday we ended up talking a little, he messaged me about our dog missing the other two (I took two and left one that we inherited from his parents when they passed. I adore that dog, he's my heart but it didn't feel right to take him, he was part of my husband's parents. Although he doesn't take care of him, I do. ). I felt myself being said and hurting, missing him (?!) and missing being home and just wanting all of this to not be happening. It was an ok conversation and he asked if we could talk on Tuesday. Tuesday came and I messaged him to ask when he wanted to talk. He asked if we could talk Wednesday because he had a ton or work to do and was exhausted because he hadn’t been sleeping (?!!! rescheduled our talk?!?). Wednesday we "talked", at first he didn’t want to answer my questions, I got a lot of "believe what you want to believe.", then he finally said that he had lied a little to me and that:
1) She is an old childhood friend and they were just catching up but... (Don’t believe this for a second)
2) He hadn't bumped into her at the job site, a mutual friend ran into her out on the world and exchanged numbers for them (bullshit)
3) She called him, he didn’t call here.
4) This was their very first communication since this mutual friend passed along their numbers the previous night (1 – no way my timing is that good that I walk in on the first time and 2 – he got her number the very same night he went out and sat in his truck talking on the phone for two hours?!)
5) They were only talking for 20 minutes before I came home and yes she does know he's married (no way given how he hung up on her)
6) He isn't sure if she is married with two kids because it never came up (yep). How did it not come up if this is the first time you've talked to her and you say she knows you’re married?!
7) That he didn't do anything wrong and I'm being crazy and taking things too far. Even though per his own words his family and friends think he was flat out wrong.
8) He claims they haven't spoken since he hung up on her. But she called right back within a second of him hanging up, she felt comfortable enough to call right back. There is no way I believe that he didn't talk to her again, I think he called her right back as soon as I left.
Once those points were made on the phone yesterday he no longer wanted to discuss it, he won't tell me who she is or who gave them each other's numbers, he swears over and over that he never physically or emotionally cheated on me, that he would never do that to me. He actually said twice as I was questioning him and he was avoiding answering me that "the two things I can tell you, that I can swear to you are that I never cheated on you physically or emotionally with anyone and that I never would do that to you." .... so what does that mean, that I can believe those two statements but just not anything else out of his mouth?! He refused to talk to me anymore when I got upset.
Last night was really hard for me, I knew he was lying but having him confirm he was lying, tell me part of the truth but keep lying about the rest really screwed me up. I know this was long, but I really am so confused. I've never in my life thought this would be an issue in our life, we already had so many others. I truly never thought he would cheat on me or plan to cheat or whatever the hell is going on. I never thought he would play the game he is playing with me, that he would be this cruel or cowardly. My friends and family don't think he's slept with her yet, they think he was "playing with fire" and got caught and is just a moron. I just need to know from anyone out there, how bad is this really? If he won't tell me the truth, I know he's lying still....how bad is the truth that he won’t tell me?!?! How much worse is this? I know it sounds like I'm asking for a psychic reading or something but I just want to know, based on others experience.... how much did I miss happening under my own nose? Do you think he cheated or was playing with fire? Do you think this was really their first- and last - communication?! And will I ever get the truth from him or just one lie after another? Is there a way to get the truth from him?
It's eating away at me, I feel so betrayed.So many thoughts are running through my head, so many questions and scenarios - has she been to my house, were they laughing at how stupid I am after I left, how long has this been going on, was he planning to leave me for her, was he pretending to love me?