A Letter to My Ex Gf
"I Know Your Afraid To Face Me, So Here’s What I’ve Always Wanted to Say (Our Safe - Cleansed - Friendly - Understanding - Conversation), Without Being Selfish"
"I know you're afraid to face me, so here's what I've always wanted to say without being selfish, and hopefully we can fix all this misunderstanding - that's been taking place these past 3 years between us. It would finally be nice to make amends (not pushing for any friendship) but again, to try to make amends between one another. Now if a friendship comes out of it later on down the line, then that's something that will deal with if it ever happens. Clearly, that's a decision that you have to make alone, not me but otherwise like I said I just want to try to make things right between us."
You Know... What a long confused journey it's been these past 3 years. It's crazy how a lot of concerns have been brought up, have been said, & done, basically taken place... Whether we know it or not, I know we both took our separations, two different ways and in levels that's sometimes people couldn't or would not understand. Truth be told, I had to be very cautious when it came to you, and not saying this in a bad way. I couldn't understand at times, but in the long run I think it was the safest, plus you have to admit, a very smart & safe way.
You know, before, I've had so many things to tell you - to ask you, but now.... it's funny, I really don't know what to say? I can't seem to find the right words to ask.... how crazy huh... wow, the right words? and don't seem to want to come out - just speak out, dam it... but I have to admit, I'm totally shocked! I'm telling you, there was a time where I had so much to say to you, so much to ask, but now... I don't know what to ask you? So basically, I'm speechless. Absolutely nothing is popping, or jumping out from this brain of mine... nothing in anyway to at least complete a sentence. Maybe - just maybe, I'm afraid to ask a question, or the fact that maybe.... I might end up asking the wrong kind of question? I know I tend to be very blunt (for me that is), which doesn't help, but only tends to confuse me, more and more, especially when dealing with you. When writing this letter, (at times), something seems to distract me, when writing about you. So, I promise to try and write this out - as best as one can, and of course... I'll also promise to complete this letter for you!
Now what's crazy, is the fact that we had no choice but to cope with some unnecessary obstacles, that I'm kind of glad it's over and done with. Personally, if you don't mind I like to keep it that way and i'm not trying to be rude, by saying this. Now, I think to assure this won't happen again, please listen. You need to understand and realize, that I would never do anything that would upset you, in any way whatsoever. So please, from now on lets try not to jump to any conclusions (or think bad or crazy thoughts), in anyway, PERIOD! So that being said, I don't want what happened before to repeat itself, just in case we do happened to run into eachother, in the near future. I just want to make sure that we're crystal clear when it comes to this, ok? and I'm not trying to be sarcastic about it. I just want to make sure the you understand that I'm being very upfront (when it comes to you), that way situations don't get out of hand once again. I'm being very sincere and for real... I definitely wasn't happy with the situation I was placed in, the last time when people jump to conclusions. To be honest, it was not nice and I'm pretty sure you understand! But I know misunderstandings can sometimes happen at times, but hopefully history won't repeat itself again, that is, as long as one can stop it.
Thank you for taking my feelings (about this subject), under consideration, and also understanding on what I loss (that I can't get back), that was taken from me when that whole ordeal took place in the beginning. Look. I'm not trying to place any guilt on you, my only purpose is for you to understand, that something like that, shouldn't happen to any innocent party at all. Situations like that can really get out of hand, and you never know what the outcome can come of it, and can even get worse! Then what happens to the innocent parties all involved, tell me? There's always a time to take things serious, I have a famous saying (and I know you've heard me say this before), "Always make sure you pick the right battles, especially when it comes to one's life in general." Also, i'm more then willing to forget about what took place and I much rather leave it... all alone, buried & dead in the past, period. IS THAT OK.... DEAL? It's not something that I want to bring up 4 any online, upcoming live chat debate (hello), that's for sure.
Now, as for me (life has been very good & of course - kind as well), but I have to admit, writing has been so therapeutic, but in a helpful, self-healing way. Especially over these past 3 years, thank God for that!
It has also been (for me - that is), one of the best ways of handling, but strangely (in a calm way), helps me cope with any kind of situations dealing with one's (people in general), crazy, out-of-the-blue, unpredictable-feisty, shity attitudes, in other words their silly emotions. So far it helps me when feeling frustrated, when in fact, I start feeling angry, hurt, of course guilty, or just plain sad at times, and writing helps me express, helps me lash out, some build-up feelings. Writing has always helped me in a positive, self-healing way... big-time! Especially, when dealing with some selfish, horrible people that are so quickly to judge others, and this without giving them the benefit of the doubt... because that's how people are over here in my area.
I've learned to isolate myself from everybody especially the nosy ones (you know i'm a very private person), and I do tend to tell people to mind their own business. People need to worry about their own lives instead of worrying about others. The way I live my life these days, is my choice, whether I'm happy or not, but I will say, it's definitely a temporary situation at this time. Which sucks because, I'm not one to complain, when it comes to where I live. Believe it or not I've been in worse situations, and that's the cold hearted truth! Can you believe that, but seriously - I have? Come on, I'm not going to sit here, especially over these past 3 years. In which frankly, i've learn how to isolate certain individuals (that really never did care, or been there for me), during the time when needed, but like I said, I really don't care about keeping those friendships. I've learned to write-off a majority of them, which is no loss to me.
Now... I do have one thing to say - to you. Ok, now listen. "You were so right back then. Always... so right (in fact - I SHOULD OF LISTEN - but didn't), especially when it came to some of our mutual friends (which was my bad), so I would like to apologize to you at this time. You were right about some of our so-call, close friends. They always took advantage of me, and you were the only one that spoke up about it. How was I so naive? They always took advantage when it came to borrowing money (I felt - so used), they basically freeloaded (and never once paid me back), but I always gave them the benefit of the doubt, which ended up backfiring... but you know what? I love the fact that you saw right through them, and I have to admit you tried to warn me. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you back then." Which at that time, I took it as no big deal, but I should have listened otherwise - so once again, "I'm sorry".
People these days (mostly old friends), that complain about they're disappointments, their jobs (their family problems - smh), which is funny to me... But with a surprising, shocked look on my face, I quickly remind them... that they are lucky (a quick reality check), really lucky to still have an income, and learn to not take things for granted. Also be glad that their marriage, is still holding up. I have to be honest, have to admit, that now-these-days... I really don't care, or in fact trust none of them (I have my reasons), but how sad. I promise myself, to never again let myself be put in a situation, where people will try once again to manipulate, try to use me, steal from me and eventually betrayed me (I'm way too good - for people like that), and that's a fact! So guess what? I finally learn how to say... no, and this is because of you. So once again, "Thank You."