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An illsuion

I cheated on my husband

Thursday, June 9, 2016 7:39 PM by Guest Rating: +5|-12

Lets be honest here. I found this site by typing "i cheated on my wife" on google. Who am i kidding, I'm a female! I was just bored i guess. Lets move on to my story. Something I am not proud of in any way. But i cheated on my husband numerous times in the past. We got married young. I knew what i was getting into when i got married. I don't think he really knew. He grew up in a kind of broken home. He never knew his father and his mother walked out his life his first years of his life. She came back when he was 5. She was a young mom. As was I. When i was 19 I found out i was pregnant with my now 4 year old. My parents found out and told me to get married ASAP! I was engaged to him but we always fought. He was excited to get married, me not so much.

The big day came we went to the court house to get married and i swear i wanted to say NO! I should have looking back. Instantly i felt regret about the decison. Honestly at the that moment i thought "ill just marry for sex". Stupid right? I was young and dumb Still am if you ask me. My husband had enlisted to go into the army so I was very fortunate to have all the benefits I got from the military. 2 weeks after we married he went off to basic training. Something I had been dreading for a long time. I dealt with the second half of my pregnancy all alone. A lot of females go through it. I just thought my husband would have wanted to be a part of it. I always took pictures and sent them to him. I was excited to receive letters, i was so sure he was gonna be a great dad! I couldn't wait for him to hold his daughter and for him to be a father. And just for us to finally be together.

He wasn't around when the baby was born. He came for 2 days and i was still in the hospital since she was premature. 2 weeks passed and he came back to visit. I was sooo tired from being a new mom and always being up literally all night. My childs sleeping schedule was sleep all day and be up all night. Literally all night. I didnt sleep at all. I thought my husband would help. Boy was I wrong. He wouldn't even touch her. His friends helped me more than he did. I thought maybe he was just tired. I gave him some slack. We moved in together a couple months later. The nightmare begins. I noticed him distant. He never wanted to talk. He was always gone. He wouldn't look at me. Never helped with the baby. He always slept if he was home. He didn't even touch me. He was always on his phone. ALWAYS on his phone. Still is, its like an addiction. Anyways, i felt so alone even though i was right next to him. He even would go grocery shopping without me. What kind of husband does that? I tried my best to be the best wife possible. I cleaned, cooked, did his laundry, took care of the baby, ironed his unifom and much more. I even tried to look my best for him. Everything i did went unnoticed. I didn't know this person. Eveything i thought he was was no longer there. I tried talking to him to fix things. I tried showing him i cared. I did so much to try and see why he was the was he until i finally snapped! We got into into a huge fight. He said he didn't care about anything i did around the house, that i didnt do anything all day but lay there. So of course to show him what i did. I didn't do nothing. For 2 days until things got nasty because he didn't clean it. Of course he didnt budge when he saw the house clean. We never talked like we used to. We never joked. We never went out. We never made love. Nothing. We just lived with each other and slept in the same bed. I was so desperate to be apprecited and loved. I felt ugly and depressed. Even though i still had guys trying to talk to me I didn't feel worthy. I just wanted my husband. 

One day I went through his phone when he walked out the room. A ton of messages on there but i went to the one that caught my eye. Ex girlfriend. I never liked her. Not because she was his ex, but simply because she was annoying. Anyway i found him talking to her somewhat inappropriately. When he walked in the room all hell broke lose. The look on his face when i told him what i read was priceless. This would give me another reason to feel more alone and even more hearbroken. 

A couple months passed and started talking to a mutual friend of my husbands and I. Everything was still the same. Being married and living with him was like being alone. We just lived together that's all. I spent all my time with my daughter. I was just a mom and took care of my husbands needs even when he didn't deserve anything. I started talking to the guy which we eventually caught feelings for each other. I was happy but i had to tell my husband. So i did. Don't quite remember how it went down but we moved passed it.

I stopped talking to the guy. Nothing had changed between us. I cried myself to sleep basically every night. Or morning i should say. I didn't go bed at a normal time. Still i woke up early. I dont know how i did it. I decided I wanted to go back home and stay there. I was done with the way things were. I didn't tell my parents what was going on. I just told them i was staying for a while. He had "training" to do. And i got talking to his best friend not in a bad way at first. Until one day he invited me over. Things happened but not sex. I didnt want to have sex. I just wanted to talk which we did. But thats not what was on his mind. I felt terrible. Then i start thinking what kind of friend was that? I didnt tell my husband what happened. I was mad at him but i still felt guilty. I missed him in a way i couldn't understand. Who did i miss? He wasn't the same person anymore. Everyday he would tell me to come back home. Things were going to be different and nothing was gonna be the same. I went back like a dummy. I started missing my home in Texas. So i went back. The first day i was there we had sex. At the end of it all i told him about his friend and I. You would think he would have been mad or something. Nope. He said it was fine and that he told his friend he could. What!? Who does that!? I felt so violated.! What kind of person does that. 

Not long after that i found out he was talking to so many other females other than just his ex. And the time he did it was terrible. Before we got marrried and After? The stuff he said. Pictures had been exchanged. People I thought were my friends betrayed me all because they "looked good" . I talked to these people to get more info and basically he was trying to get them in bed. He met up with some and others the guilt got to them before they made the desicion. To make matters worse he was STILL talking to other females. My heart shattered into a million picese. The man i thought I loved wasn't real. Time after time i kept seeing the guy i fell in love with dissapear. He was completely different. But for some reason I still tried to make it work. One day I came to the conclusion i was in love with the idea of being in love. Not that i was. That's when i realized i wasn't in love. I just loved him. More stuff happened. I just plain didn't love him anymore. He was a couple months away from being deployed and i remember thinking i didn't care if he came back or not. Its a terrible thing to say. But when you dont care for someone and see them as a monster its idealistic.

Before he deployed we started to get along and not fight all the time. Not that it was any better. The guy hadn't heard me say i love you in months. What kind of marriage was this? A year into it and it was already ruined. Wow is all i can say. He deployed and i still felt alone. But this time it was better. I didn't have him next to me. He wasnt creating a mess. I could sleep all day if wanted. It was just me I had to watch for. And my daughter of course. But she was to little to even create a mess like his. I hung out with friends went out did and did what i had to do. I was pretty happy With myself. It had been a long time since i felt that way. 

A night came along i went to my friends house her husband was also deployed. She was taking care of some kids that had been taken away from there mother. The girls husband came back from deployment because of this. He was there with the kids when i got there. His wife and him had problems. She was engaged and married at the same time. Weird girl i thought. This girl went all out when her husband deployed. I couldn't believe it. She was younger than I and i thought she was such an unfit mother. My friend had recently told me that that particular girl was talking to my husband. No shocker there. Deployed and still doing things behind my back. When i asked to see the messages he had deleted them so i couldn't see them. He had done this before. It was whatever at this point in life.

Back to my friends house. The girls husband comes out and I guess you could tell how he felt by looking at his face. I brushed it off, i didn't care much about it. We talked a little not much to even leave a dececent impression. Well the next day this guy finds me on social media. Creepy but we had mutual friends, so not so much. He invited me over for dinner and so i went. I thought his kids could play with my daughter which they did. His wife was not allowed to be near her house. So she wasn't going to walk in or anything. Lets just say i had a great time with him. He was not my type at all. He was weird and just odd. That night we kissed. I didn't mean for it to happen. But it simply did. And you know what? It felt amazing. I went home that night happy. But in tears. Why wouldn't my husband be better? Why would he ignore me? Why couldnt he see what he had? Now someone else did. Nonetheless i was happy. Truly internally happy. I had not felt like this in what seemed forever. Finally I said those 3 little words. I love you. My life was amazing. But what comes up must come down. I was afraid that it would happen. And one day it did. We were hanging out one day when he got a call from his wife. Saying she was going crazy and she was gonna kill herself. He left and i was alone. He came back silent. I had a feeling things were going to wrong. I soon told him i didn't want to continue the relationship because he was married and more likely to go back to her. Thats what happened. He still tried to see me and act like he hated her but i knew they were together. I was sad. But i was happy for him. As long as he was happy so was i. That's all i wanted for him. Eventually he stopped talking to me. I didn't see him again. The last time time i saw him was the day before thanksgiving. I didn't see him after that. I spiralled into depression. It hurt knowing he was with her. He was happy and i was left alone. Quite frankly i drank a lot. It was the only form i knew to get over him. Not that i did. But it momentarily stopped hurting. Talking to my husband didn't help. I didn't tell him about this affair because I thought I was really in love with the guy. I was trying to protect him. 

I didn't stay lonely long. Honestly I didn't like that i got in a relationship like that so soon. This guy was manipulating and a liar at that. But I didnt see that at the time. He saw i was vulnerable and went for it. I was reluctant to go for it. I still did anyway. Trying to feel anything as strong as I did the first time was difficult. He claimed to really like me evetually love me. I thought I felt something i learned to love him. We spent some good times together. He treated me right and my daughter as well. He wanted to marry me and i considered it. I was starting to see my future with him and thought he would make a good partner i started seeing him different but in a good way. I forgot about the heartbreak i had. It was all going good. My husband was set to come back soon. I had told my husband about this guy and he just said he wanted me back. Im not gonna lie i started to miss my husband. Again not sure what i missed but it was something. Maybe the comfort or just how i was used to him. Or what i remember him being. This other guy was starting to get really controlling when he saw my husband asking how my daughter was doing. I didn't talk to my husband much but when i did it was either him saying how he missed me or about the the plans we had about his homecoming. His family was supposed to come down before he came. The other guy couldn't grasp the concept that i had to be a good house hostess and stay at my house. I was starting to see his true character with all my preparation for my husbands homecoming. Very controlling is all I'll say. I didn't really like that. But he was a nice a guy. 

Lets fast foward a couple weeks after my husband came home. I found out i was pregnant. I had to tell my husband. He took it better than i thought. He was sad but he said he would support me. My husband was dead set and taking me back. Why would he? I was cheating on him after all. Regardless of me being pregnant we came home for vacation the guy was way to controlling telling me not to leave and to stay with him. I was anxious to come back home. So i did. He was mad but quickly got over it. I was getting tired of how controlling he was. While i was back home he was back in texas supposedly trying to commit suicide. I tried talking to him and no answer. He finally reached out to me. But i was so busy that i couldnt answer on time. But guess what. He completely stopped talking me until i got back to Texas. He never talked to me again after i got back and told him off. I was pregnant with his child and he left me. Who does that? A coward I'm assuming. 

Time passed and both guys contacted me. But i wasn't willing to take them back. Things changed with me. I would never take them back. That was tested with me and both times i rejected that. Although i still think I truly did love the first guy. I will never be with him. We met at the wrong time in life. His wife eneded up leaving him for his best friend and they divorced. The second guy got with someone else and had a baby with her. I actually had a miscarriage with his baby. Everything happens for a reason right? I'm still with my husband our relationship is better. Everyone thinks were great together. He even thinks we are. But its been 3 years since I've said i love you to him. What a great marriage. I pretend to be happy and ok. But on the inside im not ok at all. My husband knows i want a divorce. I tell him just about every day. Its become the norm for me to say it jokingly, even though he knows im being serious. He knows i don't love him. Everything i do is just routine now. Like he says we're 2 years sober of cheating. I'm glad we are. But i still live in a marriage I hate. I don't want my daughter's living in a home like this. We get along but we fight a lot. And if we don't fight its because i stopped caring. I really did stop caring a long time ago. I wish things were different. Im trapped. I dont leave due to financial issues. But soon enough ill be free of all this. The happy cute marriage everyone loves is just an illusion. 

Tags: Army; Daughter; Divorce; Friend; Kids; Pictures; Pregnancy;

Thank you for voting.

Comments

Friday, June 10, 2016 5:40 PM
Guest

what changes your situation in th future that prevents cheating?

 
Friday, June 10, 2016 5:41 PM
Guest

rather that lets you get a divorce. what changes to let you get a divorce

 
Friday, June 10, 2016 7:13 PM
Guest

I think you should try being with a female in a relationship.  never know it might be perfect for you 

 
Wednesday, June 15, 2016 10:37 PM
Guest

Both you and your husband screw around on each other, so there's no real issue here.  Other than the both of you are F'd in the head and should have charge or any children.

 
Wednesday, June 15, 2016 10:39 PM
Guest

Correction:  shouldn't have charge of any children

 

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