Why do men cheat on their wives? Mrs Google says that there are many reasons. Poor self esteem, the classic "my wife doesnt understand me", the "I'm not getting blow jobs on demand" a/holes. My husband has cheated on my multiple times. At first I thought I was being paranoid. Maybe he hadnt cheated? We were newly married and I didnt want to think the worst of him. I wasnt strong enough to confront it at the time. I didnt want to have "failed" at my marriage. So I buried my suspicions and picked up the pieces and tried again. And again. And again. He promised me he would change. That it was because we were having "problems". Or that I wasnt listening to him. Or that he was tired. Or stressed. Or that the sun had come up......think of any excuse or justification you can.
The last person (whore) he slept with I even knew before it became sexual that she was who he was going to cheat on me with. I begged him to cut off contact with her. I pointed out to him that it was inappropriate to be spending so much time with this person - another woman - when he was married. He agreed and said he wouldnt contact her any more.
What a fool I was. Turns out he has been cheating on me with her for 2 years. Yep you heard it right - TWO years. I kept thinking I was being paranoid. I would ask him if everything was ok (yes he was still sleeping with me as well as her). And finally I found a cryptic text message on his phone - I confronted him with it and (as usual) he denied anything was wrong. I could tell from the message that he had been deleting his msg history. That they had arranged to meet. And that she was hiding her cheating from her husband too (I will call you in 5 mins). Lying, cheating, arseholes.
He then fell apart - crying, totally distraught. Says he is depressed (more like stressed, the lying cheating arsehole). He saw a doctor and is on happy pills. (He has the nerve to say he is depressed!) That he is sorry. That he didnt realise what he was risking. That he doesnt love her (he says he has cut off all contact - like I havent heard that one before). That he still wants to be married to me (arent I lucky). That he cant imagine a life without me in it. It makes me sick.
When I am feeling strong and angry I tell myself to go - to walk out - to never deal with the lying cheating arsehole again.
But when I am sliding down the wardrobe wall, sobbing and heartsick - fearful for the future, feeling like I will die alone and unhappy I am not so sure. How can I love someone for 30 years and just switch it off? How can I tell my children their family is no longer. (We still have our youngest at home.) How can I forgive? How can I trust that a serial cheater will ever reform?
I tell him that he shouldnt reform for me. That ultimately it is not me he is cheating on but himself. That he needs to be honest with himself - is he the man he wants to be? I ask him to answer my questions honestly - does he want to be in a loving, committed relationship or does he want to be a lying cheating arsehole? If you want to be a lying cheating arsehole (LCA) at least be honest about that. Go, get a bachelor pad, sleep with as many women as you want as often as you want. Be an honest arsehole. But you have to make a choice. You knew the moment someone flirted with you, that you stepped into her car and continued to see her behind my back what you were doing. You made a conscious and active choice every day for two years to be a LCA. But you cant have it both ways. You cant be in a loving and committed relationship and being a LCA.
He says we havent had sex much lately. I wonder why? Sexuality is a complex, highly sensitive issue. If someone is "gone" in their head - if they are seeing someone else it has to affect how they relate to you. How they touch you. Going through the motions - better keep the old "ball and chain" happy - throw her the odd bone. It makes me sick.
I found the whore's husband's telephone number and I called him. I didnt want to be victimised any more. I didnt want that for me and I would like to think that someone in my position would want to reach out to tell me if the situation was revered. I was in tears on the phone. I said to him how sorry I was to make this call and that as hard as it was to make I am sure it was even harder to receive. I told him that his wife had been having an affair with my husband for 2 years. Little did I know she was sitting right there. He repeated everything I had just told him to her. She didnt miss a beat - didnt hesitate for a second (I could hear her voice). This is not her first rodeo either. She is a practised and consummate liar. "No" she says "but he would like to". He comes back on the phone and says she is denying it. "I heard" I say. What would you expect. So I apologised again, gave him my cell and said it was a lot to process. But if he wanted to call me, or if he wanted dates, times or cellphone records, I would be happy to show him. Later that day he called my husband and asked him for the truth. You know where this is going.....the LCA denied it. Because (wait for it) he was concerned about her welfare - her future. She doesnt have anywhere to go. Like that should even matter at this point. I havent heard from the whore's husband as yet - maybe he doesnt want to know. Maybe he has had his suspicions too? Maybe he believes the LCA and thinks I am a mad, delusional woman? (FYI - who would do that, seriously? If someone calls you, is in tears and obviously upset, and they have never (NEVER) called you before, wouldnt you want to know more?
Having a mind, an intellect is such a gift. The ability to process complex pieces of information and make sense of them really helps. But it doesnt take away the hurt, the pain and the shock. I am still very raw. Processing all of this is hugely confronting. I dont want to rip apart our family - I dont want to hurt my child who is still at school. My friend tells me to try again. She tells me how much she wishes she could have held her family together. I am not super religious (so unfriending God right now) but the bible tells us to forgive 7 x 7 (does that mean 49 infidelities before I finally say no more?)
I have been information gathering. Asking the LCA why he cheats. Why he didnt feel he had a life. Why he couldnt see how lucky he was to have a successful business, a beautiful (he says) wife and family, his dream car in the garage, freedom to pursue (too much as it turns out) his hobbies. Why he couldnt see how he was risking it all every day for the past TWO years. How he could lie to me repeatedly - how he would get angry and defensive and say I was being paranoid.
We are in the middle of a huge tender for our business that could make a real difference to our bottom line. I drove the tender document. I pulled it all together. We have a meeting coming up and there is a part of me that wants to sabotage it. But in the end I am just hurting my share of the business. And if I go, I will need every cent to provide for my future. But the inner child (the one who cries and wants to hurt him as much as he has hurt me) would seriously like to indulge in an act of vengeance.
Everyone has to do what is right for them. Some of these stories illustrate how the victim often wants to take charge, to do to them what they have had done. To themselves cheat - to restore their confidence. But dont you have to look in the mirror at some point? Who do you want to be? A LCA? Or do you want to be in a loving commited relationship?
My friend tells me that in her experience most men cheat. (Surely they arent cheating alone?) That is it more common than you (or I) think. That a lot of women ignore it, or put up with it or turn a blind eye for the lifestyle. To preserve their image, their position and standing in the community. The same friend's fiance tells me I should be looking at myself - a happily married man doesnt cheat. (No but a LCA does!! A sex addict does. A serial cheater does!) Oh, and for my fellow feminists out there - seriously? If a husband cheats, it is automatically the wife's fault? Just in the same way as a woman who is raped "asked for it" or the questions immediately posed are "what was she wearing" and "why was she out alone so late at night"? It makes me sick.
Have I been married to a LCA? Is there no hope for him, for me, for us? Do I (finally) confront this painful truth and leave, risk what it might do our youngest and end our cherished vision of our family? Or do I forgive 7x7 and take a chance on this being the one and final time he will change from a LCA to a loving and committed husband?
I developed the most elegant solution. While I am still information gathering, and before I make my decision, I (slightly tongue in cheek) suggested to him he should put his money where his mouth (or cock) is. That we should enter into a matrimonial property agreement where if he ever cheats again, I get the lot. "Oh" he says "that's a bit harsh". Really? If you are really committed to being faithful from here on out, what's the problem? Or dont you even trust yourself? And if you cant trust yourself, how can I ever trust you? Doesnt that kind of answer the question really?
What do you think?
He tells me that it is not my fault. He tells me that I have done everything I can to make this marriage work. He tells me I am a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother.