Confessions of the Mistress
“Life has taught me that you can’t control someone’s loyalty. No matter how good you are to them it doesn’t mean that they will treat you the same way.”
It seemed as though my life was spinning out of control. Too many, it seemed I had it together. Others knew I was just barely hanging on. And I was. I was fighting depression alone, now raising children alone, hiding from the embarrassment of being separated from my husband and trying to figure out this thing called life. My children were my driving force behind keeping me stable. They were and are my strength, my eyes, my everything.
When I started out in my journey, it included my husband and my children. My ultimate goal in life was to make them better. It was to be the best mother and wife that I could be. No marriage is a fairy tale and ours was very far from it. We’ve dealt with infidelity, verbal and physical abuse and abandonment. But we seemed to always fight through. Or at least I did. But I had grown too tired. As we spent time separated, I learned that I was fighting alone. I realized my husband left a long time ago. I realized I tolerated more than I should have. Of course I still wanted my marriage. But I wanted a marriage that my husband would want as well. It was during this separation, where I was forced to work two jobs, that I met Him.
My intentions were never to fall in love. In fact, they were far from that. Despite the smile I wore daily, I was very depressed. I lost my faith in love and hope. I turned away every man that wanted my attention. Every man lied and only wanted one thing in my eyes. Every man would eventually use me. But not Him. I really don’t know why but He was special the moment I looked at Him. He was very honest from the very beginning and it made it so much easier. I remember one day talking to Him and noticing his eyes. They drew me in and I had to interrupt Him speaking to compliment them. But in my mind I saw his soul, his thoughts, his desires, and potential love. Up until this point I had refused to get attached to this man that I knew could never be mines. But it was at that very moment, I felt victim to His charm. I forgot all the previous warnings, the truth and reality, and who I really was; a woman that was hurt by her own husband’s infidelity. His eyes grabbed me and held me close and told me everything would be ok.
He managed to captivate my very well being with his attention, silliness, care and observations. He picked up on my bad days or when I was bothered by something. He knew how to say the right things to get my mind right. He gave me hope again. He gave me back my faith. He made me believe that better days were coming and they were coming with Him included. He considered us a team. It was something that I had always believed in order to have a successful relationship. He always spoke of our future. And I had begun to see it so clearly.
Of course there were many times, I felt so guilty. I would try to pull away from Him but for some reason I couldn’t. He told me I loved Him and He was right. The more I fought it, the more I loved Him. He loved me so well until I forgot He had a wife. When He would be with her, He would make sure I still felt like I was a valuable part of His life. I was for sure that this man I was falling in love with was going to make everything right at some point.
Many will hate me for my actions but I actually don’t regret it anymore. People come into your life for seasons and reasons. And when He did, I was down and out. I was depressed and still wanting a marriage with a man that left the marriage long before he left our home. I was making sure the family that he left survived. And I was doing this alone. I was going home alone every night. I was spending my days alone. But when He came into my life, He awoke the spirit of happiness again. He awoke my dreams again. And for that I will always respect and love Him for. But I also loved Him enough to let Him go when the time came. I went back into a depression for awhile, but I saw his happiness. And through that, I saw mines again. It may not be with the man that I wanted but it reminded me that I had found myself once before and I could do it again.
I am relieved that their marriage was salvageable. I wanted Him happy and it didn’t matter what it took for that to happen; even if that meant excepting my loss. Many will think of me as a home wrecker or a whore. But that’s not what I was. Truth is it was not my job to respect his marriage. It was His. I do believe He was unhappy. I do believe that He really wanted to be with me. I do believe He wanted a future with me, but I, as well as He, also knew He already had a family and obligations. I learned from my own failed marriage that you can’t force love. You can only respect obligations. I knew the pain all too well which is why I spared her the details and the truth. She would never leave Him anyways so why give her the same memories of torture that I had dealt with for years.
Mistresses are often misinterpreted and it’s always assumed we are the aggressor. Unfortunately, sometimes our mind can’t control our hearts. Sometimes, it takes the spouse to say and do the right things to make us yearn for them. I know that another married man would never have a chance with me, but He made things so different. When it’s all said and done, the mistress is the bad person. But her story is never known, never told. She wants love as well. She craves that attention. Sometimes, it comes from the wrong person. She actually has feelings as well. And while she loves unconditionally and is being loved, she still feels guilty for hurting another woman. Sometimes he’s just that manipulating. Whatever the reason, her heart takes over. Us, mistresses are not all the same. Sometimes we really do just love the same man. It’s not a competition or a race for us. There are 3 hearts involved. I regret loving her man and wish to apologize to her, but I do love Him enough to keep our secret. So on behalf of all the mistresses that really do love him, WE ARE SORRY.