Before these events, I was never a cheater. Cheating never crossed my mind. I thought it was digusting, viel, heartless, and honestly I still do. But during such a low point in my life, where things like getting out of bed, showering and eating were a fight with myself, where I cried for hours at a time in my room, and consently thought of sucide, I cheated. Here's is my story.
I was diagnosed with depression my last days of my freshman year of college. I had been fighting myself for months, hiding away from everyone I loved and cared for, and stopped caring for school, and as a result I was failing my classes. I told myself that it was me being lazy, not working hard enough, and forced my body to do simple things like go to class and study, which always left me physically and emotionally exhusted by mid afternoon. During this time, I met Micheal. Micheal was my neighbor, in which I never really spoke to until I came into his dorm to see his roommate, who I liked at the time. When Micheal and I started talking and getting to know each other, I knew he was the right man for me. We started dating, and this was, and still is the best relationship I have ever been in. I've never been so in love with someone, never clicked so well. He knew about my depression and helped me through the process, but just because he knew, didn't mean he understood.
It was never a true issue until the summer came and the worst bout of depression I had ever had hit me. Think about what I was saying in the beginning of this passage, now double it. Like I said above, I would cry for hours, getting up was twice as hard and now so was sleeping. I look and felt like a sad zombie. I tried reaching for help. My friends, family, calling my therapist from school, and my boyfriend, but I got nothing more than "stop feeling so sad" from friends and family and "if you feel like killing yourself, don't" from my therapist. This hit me very hard, but especially hard hearing that from Micheal. He knew better than any non professional how bad my depression was, yet after I spoke with him about the bout he would never answer his phone(we had a long distnce relationship that summer), and when he did he aways had an excuse that didn't match up with anything he spoke about his day previous to that answer. It came to a point where I felt like I had no sense of happiness. I began searching for things to make me happy. First it was Youtube and anime. When that didn't work it was writing and when that didn't work I gave up and started driking. I was on my wits end, nothing filled the void in my heart, and as my depression got even worse, I started planning how to kill myself. It wasn't until a friend jokingly told me to make a tinder after reaching out to her that I had a hope. Maybe having someone praising me, calling me pretty, wanting to be with me regardless of my disease will help, and that's what I did.
After downloading the app I knew I may be doing something wrong. The ideal of being on the line of cheating felt bad, but happiness became more important, and I didn't plan on having sex with them, so I didn't let it get to me. It wasn't until I met and arranged a meeting with a man named Demetrius this changed.
I didn't want to have sex. I didn't plan on having sex, but after a lot of pressure a bit of forcefulness, I ended up having sex with Demtrius. It was in his car, it wasn't great, but in that ackward sex I felt the happiness that I desperately wanted. I felt happy, something I hadn't felt in a very long time. After that, a wave of numbness came over me. All I wanted, all I craved, was to feel that happiness again, which made cheating on Micheal six more times with Demitrius a lot easier.
It wasn't until I came back to school, got a new therapist and got into an intensive care plan including lots of pills and therapy, that I started becoming myself again. I continued loving Micheal as much as I ever did before, and still do to this day. But now another problem has arised. I have gone back into the pit I once was, but now it is with all the help I have gotten, and as a result I have gone back into searching to fill the void, this time having sex with a coworker name Dexter, and I am in a spiral. Will I always cheat when I dip? I never think about cheating on Micheal until it happens. It never crosses my mind until I dip and I search and I find sex. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I need to break up with Micheal, he doesn't deserve someone so broken that they have to resort to sex in order to not think for killing themselves, but I love him so much, and I never think about these until I dip. Never. And as a result I would be destroyed if I did. I even think I would try to kill myself if I am being totally honest. I am stuck in a weird place, and I honestly don't know what to do All I know is that I will never cheat on him with Dexter again, and I am determined to never cheat on Micheal or anyone again for as long as I live.
