Friday, February 26, 2016 2:21 PM by Guest
I cheated on my husband last night. I've been attracted to this man for months. There's something about him that I never felt with my husband, this crackling connection, and it's impossible to ignore. Now that I have done the worst, I realize that no amount of therapy or talking would ever create this chemistry that I have with this man between me and my husband. I fell in love with my husband, don't get me wrong, and he is one of the best people I have ever met. I would do anything for him. But here's the thing: life is a long time and no one can be someone's everything. Our sex life is good, our finances are good, our social life is good. But when I met this guy....there was just something ELSE. A kind of crackling electricity that I have only ever had once before, where you feel like there's a soul connection with another human. I know it comes along once in a blue moon. Maybe never again after this.
When I fell in love with my husband, we got to know each other as friends, dated, realized we wanted the same things and had the same values and that we loved each other. But this attraction to this man is like a lightening bolt. It was hard for me to accept that I can never have sex with another person for the rest of my life, but I know that our marriage is worth forgoing hot mystery cock. I made the choice, and I was living with it happily. But this isn't just sex; it's a visceral attraction that is mental and physical. This man's into me in a way that no one ever has been before. He wants to know what makes me tick - all the weird stuff. With my husband, I feel like he denies my feelings quite often - not out of meanness, there's just this coolness to him, this space around him that everyone in his life finds hard to bridge. Messy and unpleasant feelings often go unacknowledged by my husband, but not to this man. I feel like he will find every weird thing about me interesting and he would love to hear it.
There's a word for this phenomenon: Intimacy. And I didn't realize how much I longed for contact of this kind. I am acclimated to my husband's slightly chilly personality - I get it, I don't take it personally, and I was sure I could cope with it for the long haul. I'm sure not perfect either. It's not something he does on purpose and even if he learned how to do it, he's not going to ever enjoy. No one can be another person's everything - I get a lot of emotional fulfillment from other people. I have full emotional intimacy with friends.
It's funny how getting a taste of that warmth, that longing to know everything about another person that I long for my husband to feel, it's like an opiate. I want more, more, more. I spent the whole night awake with this man, entangled, looking deeply into each other's eyes and talking. To me, it was like food for a starving man. I won't have the opportunity to see my lover again for a long time, and we aren't planning to meet up or anything - but I think something that I didn't even know was missing has been given to me and I have some soul searching to do about wether I can do without for the rest of my future.