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Fucked up by accident and I can't forgive myself

I cheated on my boyfriend

Wednesday, April 20, 2016 8:25 AM by Guest Rating: +7|-7

i met my boyfriend my freshman year in college i had just turned 19 3 days prior to meeting him. i had a huge crush on him, but he didn't approach me or ask for my number. he had flirted with me on social media, but that was about it. i asked a mutual friend of ours if she thought he would like someone like me and she said yes and kept encouraging me to give him my number so eventually (i defeated my fear of rejection and initial shyness) i did. i used to have a serious alcohol problem after my grandfather (he raised me) started getting sick and was basically on his death bed. i'd rather be completely drunk and out of it than to even think about him dying. we started texting after that but sometimes he wouldn't even text back and overall he just seemed uninterested in me. i tried to call him one night (within the first 2 weeks of us talking) and he rushed me off the phone, and never called back... a little hurt by (what i felt it was) the rejection i started going out to parties again with my friends and texting other guys because i thought he wasn't interested. one night after a party my bestfriend (she is a lesbian) kept flirting with me (she had been hitting on me for a while now) and i figured well while im young and in college, and single (like i said he showed me no interest) that this was the time for me to experiment with a female. so i did.. out of no where he started acting extremely interested in me after that. he would call me and text me everyday. i would go to his dorm and we would hang out every single day. (me being me) i can't keep a big secret from someone i really care about so i told him what i did with my bestfriend a week after me and him started getting more serious. . i had only kept it a secret from anyone really because she asked me to. he got mad, and started becoming more clingy and overprotective over me. he started telling me i wasn't allowed to drink, or have male friends, or lesbian friends, or go out to parties. i felt so bad for making him insecure (even though we weren't dating when it happened, i had only known him for two weeks at that time and he seemed really uninterested) that i went along with those "rules" for about two years (are relationship span). i would ask his permission to do anything or hang out with anyone. we'd stay on the phone all day everyday from the moment i woke up to the moment i fell asleep, and eventually i started to grow fond of the closeness of our relationship. my friends called it controlling and "crazy" but i just figured it meant he really loved me. during those almost two years though he had a bad side. he transferred to a different school so we would have to call each other just to feel close. he would have mood swings or get mad at me for just asking questions. it would get to the point where i could say "so how was your day?" and he would started asking me why or telling me its none of my business, and if i said anything other than ok (like "why are you talking to me like that?" or "whats wrong with you") he would curse me out and or yell at me. he would also always make small passive comments on my weight and me needing to workout more.. i started to develop even lower self esteem than i already had.. the beginning of our junior year he just started terating me differently. he didn't want to talk on the phone like that anymore. i'd have to beg him to talk to me. our every week (sometimes more than once a week) visits turned into maybe once a month.. i would ask could i come see him or could he come see me and he'd get mad at me and tell me he was too busy. then he broke up with me because we got in an argument. he left for the whole first semester. he talked to other girls, he even took this girl to (what was supposed to be our fair date) i cried and begged him to stay witih me. (i didn't talk to any guys during this whole time because i couldn't get my mind off of hi) i felt like my whole world had coming crashing down on me. he told me he would only stay if we could go back to talking and not be in a relationship. i didn't want to do that though. after almost two years who wants to just "talk" to the person theyre in love with.. so i would say no and he would leave again. he would literally call me every week/every other week, and tell me he missed me and that he wanted me back in his life, and then when i wouldn't agree to the deal he wanted he would argue with me and curse me out and leave again. i wanted to kill myself (i know that's dramatic) but i had never felt so low and bad about myself before. finally his birthday came around and he called me the week before that and said he was ready to come back. i forgave him for everything and even let him come to my apartment for his birthday where i cooked a big meal for him gave him a card and we even had sex...i thought we were back together after that (thats what he told me) we talked on the phone every morning and night ...and then he went to a party that he lied about going to...his best friends gf that i was an acquaintence of called me the next day and told me that he was telling everyone at the party that we weren't together and that i was crazy and he only was associating with me because i begged him to stay around.. humiliated i started talking to other guys finally..he started begging me to stay. he cried, he even told me he wish he wouldve seen what he had in front of him and that he wouldve married me if he knew i was the one..all kinds of lies..but after a few weeks i gave in and gave him another chance. . . thinking things would get better. . he started lying again about who he was with or where he was.. i had to literally start making appointments to talk to him on the phone. he told me that i could only call him past 10:00 at night.. i didn't want to go along with it but i did. one time we even went 3 days without talking...so i started hanging out with my friends again, and drinking again (not alot but like once a month). i started hanging out with my other friend for 3 years who was married and had helped me get through the semester of hell that he caused me, and her roommate (who was bisexual). My friend had asked me on other occassions to have a three sum with her and he husband and i declined both times. the week before our spring break i slipped up and told her that me and my bestfriend had experimented freshman year and she seemed extremely intrigued about it and even asked me if i found any girls sexually attractive.. i told her no and paid no mind to it) one night when the three of us were drinking (we were supposed to have one margarita but it turned into the circle of death) her roommate kept bringing up us having sex and my friend kept saying only if i'd have a three sum with them and i declined, we started playing the game again, but i was the only one really taking the shots and i was getting serioulsy drunk. they brought the 3 sum up again, and i said no. i was so drunk i couldn't drive home, and my bf was ignoring my calls so i had no excuse to ignore them so i just kept playing the game to avoid the question and the awkwardness. i became so drunk i was falling all over the place, nodding in and out. i couldn't think straight. they started kissing me and the 3 sum happened. . i tried to call my bf crying afterwards to tell him what happened and they took my phone and told me not to tell him. he called back and they promised they would take care of me he told them to make sure i got to my class on time, and sobered up. they put me to bed and told me that it was "ok" everyone cheats.. i woke up the next morning on my own and still drunk, i drove home drunk, and could not even go to my class. i kept throwing up alcohol.. i thought i had alcohol poisoning. ashamed and confused i went to the counselor on campus i told her i cheated and told her the story from the beginning to the end, and she told me it seems like they set that up and that i had been taken advantage of. she wanted me to go through with pressing charges against them. i wanted to get my mind straight first so i went to the health department to get tested, and afterwards i called my bf and told him he called me every name in the book a whore.. he told me i had nothing to offer him anymore, and that i was a piece of shit. . he said that i wanted it, and he told everyone what happened. all of his friends/family told him to leave me, and i don't want to beg him to stay again because i don't want to feel like hes only with me because he feels bad for me. .i'm humiliated, i feel like i dont ever want to be touched for a very long time, and i just really hate myself. . I can't believe I cheated, and I can't believe that I may lose the person I tried so hard to keep.. I know it's long, but I wanted to include the full story.. (side notes:i've never cheated on anyone prior to this..i'm normally the faithful one)

Tags: Alcohol; Dating; Friend; Lesbian;

Thank you for voting.

Comments

Wednesday, April 20, 2016 2:10 PM
B

Don't beat yourself up too much over this. You seem decent enough to have remorse. It might help if you have someone to talk to about this like a best friend or maybe a counselor. Don't struggle with this alone. I think you need to reevaluate what type of people you want to hang around with. I wouldn't surround myself with people who encourage me to do activities I feel uncomfortable in partaking (like how dont want to drink, but were pressured into it). Although I don't know your boyfriend and did not hear his side to this story, I don't think he's generally a nice person. Have standards for yourself, self-respect, and have confidence. Don't settle for somone because you think you can't find someone else. You're fairly young. You will learn and grow from this. Take care of yourself.

 
Wednesday, April 27, 2016 11:48 AM
Guest

Don't feel bad at all, this sounds like one of the most toxic relationships I've ever heard of. That guy is manipulative, controlling, hypocritically and emotionally abusive... Fucking leave that shit, focus on yourself and never look back. I know it's tough because it's probably your first love. and you thought you guy would get married or whatever but the truth is that won't happen and the longer you draw the relationship out the more you will hurt. Cheating isn't that bad get over it, life is tough, people screw people over nobody's perfect, you don't owe anybody shit and you seem like a decent person so you don't deserve to get treated like that so either leave or stfu and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have control in this situation decide what you wanna do

 
Wednesday, May 4, 2016 6:38 AM
Guest

I must agree with the others that you really seem like a decent person. Yet, I think your self-esteem is dangerously low which gives that guy the opportunity to treat you shittely. I personally dont think that there was a relationship at all. At least for him. Get rid of the idea that you can not get over him, you can. Because you are more important than him. We find ourselves in relationships because we do want to be loved, cared and accepted. Please get some help about loving yourself, forgiving yourself. Change your point of view, because from my point of view this unfortunate incident happened to save you from an unhealthy relationship. 

 
Wednesday, May 4, 2016 9:46 PM
Guest

I personally think two females together is freaking hott but three is fulfilled fantasy... I'm a female too and being with other females I don't consider cheating. Now fucking other men is cheating. I think you should just forget about that fucker and try a relationship with a female 😉 

 
Sunday, September 18, 2016 2:43 PM
TheBestAdvice

I am sorry for your pain. You did not cause this to happen and you were taken advantage of, but you did put yourself in the position where this was likely to happen. You should have left this guy a long time ago. When you try to keep a bad relationship together, bad things are likely to happen to you.  Secondly, your "friends" raped you. They did things to you when you couldn't consent.

you probably need help for your drinking a and you need help with understanding relationships better. I wish you the very best of luck. You sound like a great person and I know you can find someone. 

 

 

 

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