I have been married for almost 10 years and here is my story.
My husband (Let's address him as 'Vic'.) and I got married because I got pregnant when we were 18. I loved him a lot and look forward to spending all my life with him. After the birth of our son, i took on the full responsibility of caring for our son. Vic was addicted to a PC game at that point of time and hardly spend time with me and our child although he was always at home. I was upset that he was always on his computer but still, i try my best to spend time with him by staying up late on many nights just to sit beside him and watch him play his game. At 19 years old, i thought he was probably still young and needs more time to grasp the reality of having a child. After all, the changes are borned by women during and after pregnancies and some men may not even feel any differences; probably just another new member in the family.
Deep down, i was always upset that Vic was not helping out with the household chores nor spending time with us. I was breastfeeding then (till my son was 3 years old) and enjoys caring for my son so much that i took care of everything related to my baby. Vic was basically on his PC for about 18 hours a day, Monday to Sunday inclusive.
Shortly after, due to some unhappiness in me, we quarrelled and i left home with my son when my son was 6 months old. I moved back to my parent's place and sad to say, Vic did not come after me nor appear ever again till 6 months later when my birthday is nearing. He did not once drop by to even look at our son nor transfer any funds for our child.
During the few months that he totally disregard the fact that i had left, i was thoroughly messed up emotionally. I felt unwanted. I felt like it is the end and that i will be growing old all alone. I felt that i will never ever find a man whom i can grow old with. Partly, i told myself that my son will be my main reason to live and stay unmarried as I do not want him to grow up in a complex family background. However, another part of me was devastated that I will be facing everything alone. I need (till today) someone whom i can rely on and who will share my burden happily with me. If it wasn't Vic, then I don't know who else will it be.
I started working to earn for a living while my mother helped to take care of my son.
I chose to wreck myself by thinking that i am worthless and can no longer find a man whom will love me and my son. And when the chance came, i did not stop myself. I had a few different nights with a riding instructor whom i got to know while i am learning how to ride a bike. It wasn't fantastic but emotionally, it made me feel better to numb myself and enjoy the attention from another man. It ended few times later because i realized that the enjoyment of the attention does not last.
A while later, i started hanging out with a colleague. I know he is interested but i wasn't willing to commit, mainly because i don't think he will shower my son with love. We went on many dates as companions and i trusted him.
My sleeping hours was all messed up at that point of time due to work and many sleepless nights and i can go without sleep for 48hrs on some days. On one of these particular situations, i went out with this colleague after work. We ended up at his home because he needed to take something which he has to pass to another friend later. At his place, i fell asleep really deeply and he took advantage of me. I was so tired and weak from the lack of sleep but told him no and tried to push him away. But his advancement did not stop. I know it was my own mistake for trusting him and allowing the chance for it to happen. But after this incident, i stopped hanging out with this colleague. Neither did i kick up any fuss because i blamed myself for allowing it to happen.
All these happened within the 6 months Vic and i separated. And when he returned. I still chose to accept him wholeheartedly again but did not tell him about the 2 men i had slept with.
After 9 years, Vic found out about them. I do not know how.
He laid his hands on me and insisted on a divorce. To me, a marriage is just a piece of paper. And i know it is my fault for allowing all these to happen when i am emotionally wrecked. But did i really cheat? I honestly do not know anymore.
Throughout these years, we have been having a lot of trust issues and also because he neglects my feelings a lot. Divorce had been initiated by me many times because i could not stand the thoughts of being with a man whom does not care for me. I had tried letting him know my thoughts but he wasn't listening. My texts messages went unreplied many many times when he is out drinking to drown his issues with me. I know he loves me. And i love him too. But love does not seem to matter anymore with so many issues between us. I am helpless to our situation.
I apologize for the long post. But i do not know whom i can talk to.