Sunday, May 29, 2016 3:10 AM by Guest
Hi..well I am 19. I have been in a relationship for a year now and I have cheated on him every step of the way. I was on here looking for someone of my situation but no one has done what I have done I guess.
From the ages 14-18 I was in an online relationship. I know people tell about love but this one something stronger than that. I loved this person so much my heart literally beat for them. I loved this person so much that I put them before God.
In the beginning of that relationship I cheated. I was 16 and I don't know, I didn't take the relationship seriously. After I fell completely in love with that person the guilt was eating at me. Every single day. Day and night. I am a Christian and we believe the truth is the only way to go(no longer believe that) but I told them the truth after a year. After I told the truth that person began to verbally abuse me. Call me names. Tell me I was a who're and I let them. I took every single punch that was thrown my way because I deserved it. I kept thinking if I just allow them to hurt me then they will love me like they used to. Every day that person called me a cheater. Told me that I was unclean and just a horrible human being. I took that abuse for a year before that person left me.
I believed everything that they called me.
I got into another relationship a couple months after and I know it was too soon but something sparked between that me and him. The day that we started dating I has phone sex with the ex. And so on.
I have cheated on my boyfriend so many times. Some I have kissed and some I have had sex with. Bottom line is I became the person my ex said I was. He told me "Once a cheated, always a cheater. You will ALWAYS be a cheater." And I believe it. It's to the point I don't even know what it is.
I love my boyfriend. I love him so much. I am home from college right now and I look into his eyes and all I see is beauty. All I see is good. I will never tell him what I have done. I will never do that to myself and if that makes me a selfish whore then I guess. The guilt isn't as strong because I know I am not in love with my man but I wanna marry him and have his babies. The reason why I won't break up with him is because I wanna be with him. I don't want to hurt him because I know I am all he has.
I don't even know why I am wrting all this. I will mostly get hate and have people who just won't understand. I know I am going to hell. I know I am a worthless human being. I know that he will leave me one day. I don't know who I am. I don't know if it's lust or self esteem. I don't know.
I guess I am just venting. I am the person my ex said I would be. I don't blame him because he was right. He was right all a long and I don't really know what to do about it besides just accept it I guess.