It's like there is a hole in chest....I'm numb and dumb. It started when we were 15 years old. He was the first guy to show interest in me. It was an instant connection. We moved really fast.. we talked for 2 days and become boyfriend and girlfriend. I was INLOVE with him. All I wanted was to be with literally 24/7. I was a freshman and he was a sophomore when we started to date both 15. Well everything was perfect until my junior year when I found out he had been talking to another girl and did stuff with her. I dont know but I couldn't help but to forgive him and take him back. Now I loved him but when we would agrue he would tell me now guys will ever want me..and that was hoe,slut, ect. I dont know why but I still just couldn't let him go......fast forward my senior year I get pregnant. We are 18. So I decide this is it. we are going to have to be adults and grow up and commit. I grew up without a father so I was determinded to make this work. Well maybe a month before the baby is born we get our own place and have a house warming party. at the party my boyfriend kept talking to this girl and I thought it seemed a little weird they were talking so much, they also left to the gas station together. Later during the week I found out he did stuff with her. Again I forgave him because of the baby. I thought I needed him to survive. After the baby is born a week later I find out he got dirty pictures from another girl and hung out with her. I honestly just kind of blew it off. Like it was no big deal... I confronted him but it wasn't a huge arguement. I was exhuasted from the baby. He was working hard to provide for us. well maybe 6 months later I met this guy and idk why but he just made me feel something I hadn't before...I ended up snapchatting him but thats it until my boyfriend found out and broke my phone and the closest. Then maybe a month later I found out he was posting craigslist ads to hook up with someone.. well a few months later we decide to call quits. I was devasted. I thought no guy will ever love me like him. I lost the love of my life so of course I fought for him back and we did get back together. We moved to a different city with his parents where I started school and work.. thats when I hit rock bottom. I met a guy at work and it was a connection I missed I guess....I ended up sleeping with him and my boyfriend found out and I just can't stand what I did...what kind of person does that to someone they love? a really shitty one. Im in a hole right now..just far in it and I don't know how to think or feel. I screwed up and I wish I could take it all back. I hate myself for it. I didn't believe I could hurt someone like that... I want him to hurt me like I did him. He told me if were to get back together it would be for our son and he would never love me again bc of my stretch marks. I can't have a phone and I have to cut all my social media and friends off. I cant go visit my family for awhile and he wants full custody if I do leave. I can't eat, I can't focus.