Wednesday, July 27, 2016 11:41 AM by Samantha
I am 21 years old.
We have been together over a year, we recently moved to another town to my mother and we have been planning to get an apartment for ourselves. We never fight but when we don't agree on something we talk about it and it will just eventually go away. I have been in a very bad relationship before where my ex cheated on me all the time, so I was always afraid to fall in love because I might end up getting hurt. I don't know how I really feel about this relationship, but I don't want to lose him.
My bestfriend texted me saying she was feeling loney and I told her that we could hang out. (She had been raped six months ago so I try my best to comfort her and try not to make her feel alone) We met at a cafè around 8, went to a bar so we could play pool, we were bored. We drank one beer very slowly and had fun, and we dicided to sat down to talk about our lives and how it's going with her with therapy and all that. She went out to smoke and I come with her, we went inside and brought another beer and sat down to another table. Across the table there were around five guys and this one guy is a famous singer in my country, he was with his other celebrity friends and they kind of drink all the time, I think.. The singer guy.. (Let's call him Matt) Matt wanted us to sit with them and I kindly turn them down and say that we were having a talk but my bestfriend really wanted to sit with them so I just agreed. We had fun and felt kind of important and Matt invited us to an after party and I didn't really wanted to go because my boyfriend might be worried but my best friend said that I could sleep at her place. We went to the after party, they played music, piano and all kind of things, we drank and I got drunk and drunker. I could feel that Matt was into me but somehow I didn't push him away and tell him that I have a boyfriend. The feeling of being wanted was so in me that I couldn't say stop. I didn't touch anyone while all the people were there. Matt told us that we could sleep in his bed instead and he would sleep in the couch, we agreed. He ended the party and I got ready to sleep and took my clothes off, I used one of his t-shirts and my best friend was getting ready to go to bed. She opened the door to check on him, to see if he was sleeping but he wasn't, he later opened the door and come inside the bedroom and started undressing us on by one. I wasn't clearly thinking, I wasn't even thinking about what was going to happen after that. We had sex, all three of us, but I didn't touch my best friend vajayjay only her boobs... It was weird ._. When it was over I went to the bathroom to take a shower and think about what the hell just happened. My bestfriend was okay with all this (I assume) because she wasn't really freaked out like I am. I realised what just happend and the first thing I could think about was my boyfriends heart and how I am going to break it.. Just like how I felt when my ex cheated on me for the first time. I came to think of it, I always hurt the ones I love. Whenever someone gets emotionally close to me I push them away and hurt them. I don't really remember what I told Matt but it was mean, I stormed out and called my boyfriend. "You are gonna be mad at me, I just had a threesome with my bestfriend and some guy "(I didn't meantion his name). He told me to go home so we could talk abut this. He wasn't mad, he didn't even shout at me or anything. I felt like a slut, I tried to supress my sluttiness but it got me. If I could go back I would slap myself into my senses. My boyrfriend is now going to think about if he is going to leave me or stay with me, dispite how an awful slutty person I am. I wondered if anyone felt like that and I found this website. Do you think our relationship diserves another chance? I don't know what I am going to do. I've had gotten pregnant with him before but I had an abortiona and it mentally put a scar in me. I was gonna get an education so we could affort to get nice future. A child and a house, but I am afraid if this is ever going to work. I don't know if damaged relationship can heal and become stronger.. Or if they just seem like it and is really damaged underneath it.