Tuesday, December 20, 2016 8:25 AM by Remorseful cheater
This story may be long so please bear with me. I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for close to 10 years. Halfway throughout our marriage I was diagnosed with an illness which decreased my sex drive. I also have no kids due to my illness. Because of my low sex drive I would mostly say no to my husband if he wanted to have sex. Sex would occur maybe once a month of maybe every few months. One day while watching TV I grabbed my husband's phone to look at some pictures that he took and he immediately took back his phone and started acting suspicious. My husband is a very bad liar so I knew instantly that he was hiding something. He confessed and showed me all the porn that he had been watching. I was so upset at him and cried because I felt betrayed. If he told me he was into porn I would have been okay with it and watched as well, I guess it was the sneaking behind my back that made me upset the most. Months went by and I could feel my hormones starting to change. I was always horny. This time when I wanted to have sex my husband never had the time (he works 2 jobs and gets exhausted). 1 night we made the plan to have sex when he got home, but it never happened. When he left for work I started watching porn but it did nothing for me. I then began to masturbate, but again nothing. I decided to go online and sex chat with strangers to see how it would make me feel. I chatted with a few guys and the feeling was incredible. Made me feel so bad. I would take sexy pictures and rejoice every time I received a compliment on my hott body. I felt wanted, which is the exact feeling I was longing for. I then began chatting with this new guy. He was different. He was funny and cute and also married and feeling lonely in his marriage. With him it wasn't about the sex it was more emotional. For me, I have an amazing relationship for my husband so i was purely looking for something sexual. I spoke to this guy for a month and finally decided that we should meet. I would wake up in the morning and my husband would tell me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me. A week before meeting the other guy I started feeling knots in my stomach knowing that I couldn't betray my husband. I ended up coming clean to my husband one night after dinner. I told my husband about how I was going to meet a stranger to make out and told him it was because I was feeling unwanted from him. My husband was so graciously understanding and did not get upset at me. More than anything he was trying to understand where all of this was coming from. He kissed me and told me he was glad I came clean and that he would never be able to tolerate it if I actually cheated because he has too much self respect to stay with me. He said "if you ever cheat on me, I never want to know. If I know, I will leave you, and I never want to leave you". I stopped chatting with the other guy at this point and started to work on my marriage. Things were starting to get really good, but in the back of my mind I couldn't forget that rush I felt from talking to a strange man and have him admire my body. A few weeks after confessing to my husband I was back online. I started talking to this guy who was also married but with kids. He was looking for an NSA relationship just like me. He was so smooth with his words and somehow convinced me to meet him a week after we started chatting. I was at my friends bachelorette party and planned on meeting him in a McDonald's parking lot for a quick make out session before heading home. I get into his car and kept hearing him tell me how hott I was. He made out for 10 minutes, he even offered to lick me down south but I refused. As soon as I got home I was so turned on and ended up having the best sex imaginable with my husband. I continued talking to this guy and he turned out to be a decent human being. We would talk daily for 4 weeks and met up 3 times just to make out. One day after much thinking I decided to end things and told him I had to work on my marriage. He asked if we could meet one last time and i agreed that we could meet on his birthday. This guy had a way with his words and it was so hard to say no. So yesterday I went to see him, but this time it was in a hotel. I bought the sexiest outfit and lingerie I could find. He was so passionate. He kissed every part of my body and even did things I wouldn't allow my husband to do. I gave him a bj and made him cum within a matter of seconds. He called to check up on his kids and they weren't well so he wasn't able to get hard in time for us to actually have sex. But what we did enjoy was 3 hours of passion and I can't get it out of my mind. I am ashamed to say that i woke up this morning feeling no regret. I love my husband and will spend the rest of my life making it up to him. I will also take this secret with me to the grave. I guess the reason for my confession is to know how I could move forward. How can I make things better? A million thoughts and emotions have been running through my mind all day and I know in my heart that my husband deserves better. I know I'm a cheater, but that's not the only label that defines me. I love my husband more than I love my own mother. I always think about all the years I deprived him of sex, yet he still never cheated on me...and here I was after a few months of neglect going off and having an affair. He is my best friend and i could never imagine my life without him. I know he deserves better. How can I make myself better and worthy of him? I no longer speak to the other guy, but how can I stop myself from getting tempted again? I would appreciate some honest advice.