My boyfriend of 3 years is an alcoholic. He has always been verbally abusive when drunk, and will go as far as to practice his high school wrestling moves on me. It hurts, i beg him not to. He has urinated on things of mine, verbally devalued me.

He has always made comments about not liking my weight. He's never made them in productive ways... his last drunken outburst was him telling me how unattractive I was on our anniversary.

He apparently feels bad for it. Hes trying to change, he said. He's forcing himself to be involved in my life for once. He gives me compliments stiffly and awkwardly. At least he's trying i guess. He told me i am beautiful, but i gained weight fom my recent bout with depression since my mother's death.

My boyfriend is distant and cold. Our evenings are awkwardly silent, with him fiddling around on his phone and me playing a video game online with his best friend.

His best friend. I want this man so badly. My boyfriend is thin, relatively hairless. He has a mousy voice, and small frame. His best friend, though... i haven't been so physically attracted to someone in so long.

The best friend. Lets call him Ryan. Ryan will take me out to town with him, plan concert dates with me, talk to me about my grief and depression. Hes funny, with fiery emotions that glow in his brown eyes. Passionate. I even like seeing him frustrated and grumbling. His voice deep, skin tanned by working in the sun, a small tummy swirled in dark hair. Italian god.

Ryan calls me sexy jokingly. But he does it more often than my boyfriend... and with more feeling.

I keep having dreams of Ryan... of snuggling my face into his neck and crying. Of him grumbling the way he does when he's content with my touch.

Ryan, why couldnt it be you? 

I would never hurt my boyfriend by pursuing Ryan. But I'm not in love with him anymore. And my heart skips a beat when Ryan grins at me and makes a goofy joke with a twinkle in his eye...