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I need advice

My girlfriend cheated on me

Monday, September 5, 2016 6:40 PM by Bruton Gaster Rating: +8|-3

I have a pretty great relationship with my girlfriend, and basically everyone of my friends is a little jealous. Before we met, she only had one other boyfriend of 5 years since high school, who cheated on her a bunch of times from what I understand, and she forgave him and they broke up a bunch of times and got back together until she had enough and left him. I only tell that part because I know that someone who gets cheated on tends to do it to other people. I did it to another girl after I was cheated on, and I'm not proud of it, but I wasn't actually dating her.

I met my girlfriend a couple of months after that or so and we hit it off instantly. In fact, I think she liked me a lot more at first, but we have gotten very close. In fact, we got married at a courthouse for health insurance purposes (I'm a freelancer so my insurance can be expensive. This was actually very easy for her, and harder for me to do, so I can be sure that she wants to be with me), and we didn't tell anyone else. We plan on getting married publicly in a couple of years. I am for sure that my girlfriend is one of the best people in the world, but I know that doesn't mean she wouldn't do anything to hurt me, on purpose or not. We have great sex, and we make the same amount of money, and we get along with each others friends and family very well, so there's no real fights ever about stupid stuff. The only thing we have ever fought about is that she talks down to me sometimes when other people are around. It's not too bad, but it really frustrates me and I've talked to her about it and even told her that if she did it again, I would leave her because I don't like it. When she did, I did not keep that promise and let go of my ego a little bit because I do love her, but I understand that I should have really made a point of it if I didn't want to be disrespected.

Since the begnning, she made it very clear that if I ever cheated on her, she would leave me instantly, and she's even made jokes about be-heading the other girl. I've made the same jokes to her at times too, so we have made it clear that cheating is not allowed. We do have a dark sense of humor though, and I love that. For me it's different though, and I've explained my stances on cheating in a relationship to her because I think communication is better than lying or going behind each other's back. I believe that relationships can be anything and some people can be okay with being in a relationship and having sex with other people, but it is only okay if that is communicated to the other person from the beginning. And I told her that I think I would be okay with having sex with other women, but I would never do that because I know where she stands on that. It is more important to me to be with her and to never hurt her, so nothing will come in the way of that. I think it's obvious what we expect of each other.

So to push it forward, she went to a bachellorette party on some island that is all bars and parties. After a couple of weeks, I looked at the time on her phone and saw some text on the home screen from a number that wasn't saved. I saw it and asked her who that was. She put it off, and said "oh, it's no one" and took her phone back. I found it kind of weird, but let it go because I really trust her. This weekend I was working when this wedding was happening, and we planned on me meeting her at the venue after I got done. I was done working late and left right away because we kept texting each other about how much we missed each other and how nice it would be to see each other. I told her exactly what time I would get there (30 minutes), and she said something about how they might leave soon to go to a bar, and asked if I would go as well. I just was like yea maybe, but I will be there soon. I didn't hear anything, and when I got there the GPS led me to some field, and I couldn't find anything. I texted her I was there, and asked what building it was and asked where I needed to go. She texted me back with another address and said we are going here, so I responded with WTF are you serious. She said, sorry we've been trying to get things figured out. So I said, why don't you ride with me then. She said I'm already in a car heading that way. I called, and she ignored it. So I was pissed and said, well have them drop you off at a gas station. Then she said "I'm already there basically. If you don't want to meet us out here I'll just sleep at her place and get a ride back tomorrow" So I said, well I'm already on the way (because even though I was pissed off at this point, I wanted to see her). Then I thought about it a little bit, and I realized that the 2nd address is 30 minutes from the first address, so I asked her how are you already there if you just left when I got to the first place. She said "I think You're basically like right behind us. I'm sorry- if you can meet us there, I'll go back with you. I won't blame you if you can't though." At this point I'm mad because if she wanted to see me so bad like she said, then why is she so okay with me not coming over, mentioning it twice that it's okay if I don't go. When I showed up, it was some neighboorhood, and no houses had any light on or anything. I called her and she came over to my car. She tried to kiss me as if everything was okay, but I did not let her because I was mad and felt weird about the situation. She was drunk from the wedding, so I'll give her that, but it's still upsetting to drive a whole hour more than necessary after working 12 hours that day. I should have gotten out of the car and done some recon, but I was mad and told her to grab her stuff so we could go home. I just felt like she was fucking with me and that's not cool. We didn't talk in the car. She asked if I was mad, and I said yes because she made me drive so far for no reason.

I never get jealous or crazy. I'm very trusting, and I'm always afraid that is going to screw me over again like it did in another relationship. Now I'm not proud of it, but I looked through her phone and her facebook. I just would rather know instead of wasting my time so I don't care if you think I shouldn't have done that. It happened.

On her text messages, I read the text from the number I saw that I mentioned above. It was harmless really, but it seemed like something I should have known about. It was just a text from a guy that said: Plz, can I see you b4 Nov in (shithole town that doesn't matter)? My girlfriend wrote back: Um I'm not sure- I have to wait until I get my work schedule before I can make any plans. He said: Sounds good. I just was checking. That is all I can say. How is your parent doing? I texted him back because I was mad and said: I have a boyfriend so why don't you just screw off.

So I looked the guy up on her facebook. I know all her passwords because she has told me, and I looked at their messages. It seemed like he tried to do that a lot, and my girlfriend nicely turned him down every time. He had tried even before we were dating, and she did the same thing. He actually seemed a little special, so I think she was just being nice, which goes along with the story she told me when I confronted her the next day.

After that though, I looked through some more of her messages and found one that was questionable from the time she was at the bachellorette party. Here is how it went.

The day her and this other guy added each other my gf wrote this:
"So not to be totally creppy but on behalf of the whole bachelorette party my number is 2498675309 if you or any of your friends ever want to hang out!"

15 days later, the guy wrote:"Hey! Idk how I just saw this

A little late lol"

She wrote:
"Yea haha it's ok though!"

I want two pieces of advice from everyone after reading everything. Seperately: What do you think about this message above, and if they think my gf cheated on me or planned on cheating on me at any point.

So I questioned her the next day. I'm not the gretest at holding in my anger, but I have gotten better so I think I was fairly calm after I blurted out that I thought she was cheating on me after she asked why I was so mad.

She asked me why I thought that. And I told her I felt like she has been acting differently, she was avoiding me, and she totally fucked me over two nights ago after that wedding. I told her that there only one good reason for her to give me the run-around like she did, and it's if she was cheating one, unless she is an asshole. I know, I'm very blunt, and not the nicest at saying stuff but she knows that. But I truly do believe you either do that to your bf if you are cheating or if you are an asshole. There is no other good reason. So she apologized again, and so on we talked and I told her about her acting weird, and the phone thing. She said she didn't remember the phone thing, so I told her that I saw part of the message and it was asking her to visit someone in Pittsburgh. She looked down and got a little awkward but at the end of that conversation she came out and said that he was a deaf guy who she felt bad for and was nice to because he didn't have many friends. She has a lot of deaf people in her family, so I understand her empathy, and I truly believe that because she ignored him every time he tried to ask her out. When I asked her why she got weird, she said she just didn't want to think it was something else. Which is stupid, because I would have believed her at that point. I understand that she may have liked the attention and that's fine, and I told her that, but I find it worse that she lied to me and didn't just come out and tell me from the beginning that some guy kept asking her out. I have always been very confident in our relationship, and shes an amazing and beautiful person so I know other guys are interested, but I've always trusted her. I just don't like the hiding of it but whatever, I can get past that.

So then I asked her why she's been acting weird, ever since a month ago at the bachellorette party. She said she didn't think she was acting weird, and maybe she wasn't and it was in my head, but I wanted to see if she would tell me the truth. So I asked her what really happenned there. She said not much, we went out had drinks and at dinner. I asked her if they met any people while there. She said yea a lot of people talked to us, so I asked if they hung out with any other people and she said no. I asked her if they tried to hang out with anyone else outside of the bachellorette party. She said no. I asked her, are you sure. She said yea, we didn't and I think she might have actually been confused. A little dramatic I know, but I told her that she has to really tell me the truth before I point it out. And she kind of just sat there, so I read the message back to her on my phone. She didn't say anything for a while, and I asked her what she was thinking about and why she couldn't think of anything to say.

After a little bit, she said she forgot about that. She said it was just some guys they met at the bar, so they got bored at their place so they were looking for something else to do. I don't understand what that means. She said they thought that guy was really nice and the all added him. When I asked her why she sent that message, she said well I was the only one on Facebook. Which contradicts alot about 20 some yearold girls and the fact that they all added him. I told her that in no time in history has there been a guy so nice that women just invited him and his friend over because they were nice. Maybe I think that because that shit has never happened to me because I'm not that nice, but my best friend is the nicest guy in the world and that shit has never happened to him. Also, there is no way a group of ten or some girls are so bored they invited some guys over just cause. That doesn't sound right to me. She said that it was completely innocent, and she doesn't think it's so wrong for her to try to form genuine platonic relationship with guys and that's all it was. I think it would be okay, but that's not how that seemed to me. So I said to her, then why wasn't I invited in the first place if guys were allowed over, or why wasn't the bachelor there and his friends. I always thought a bachellorette party was some kind of girls only shit just doing stupid semi-slutty thing with ballon penises not iviting groups of other guys over. It just bothers me also because she is the one who has told me before that every guy friend she has had has evertually tried to get with her, so she doesn't believe that it is possible herself. I personally don't think she is dull enough to not realize that any guy who reads that will think that this girl is trying to get with me. There is no guy that I know who reads that text and thinks, oh yea a bachellorette party wants to hang out with us and nothing else.

Sorry this was long, but maybe I needed to get it off my chest. I ask for two things, if you guys think my gf has or would ever cheat on me? I do love her a lot and she really is a great and caring human being, but I know how humans work. I have high expectations of the people in my life. The other thing I ask for is if you got that message from a girl, would you think it's an invite to just hang out as friends or to have sex? In my personal opinion, that kind of message has always meant that the girl wants to have sex. Please let me know what you think.

Tags: Dating; Friend; GPS;

Thank you for voting.


Wednesday, September 7, 2016 3:29 PM

She is cheating or best case scenario about to. Leave her she already proved that you can't trust her if you stay it won't work out. Good luck

Saturday, September 10, 2016 1:52 AM

It seems like you two talk without fighting...very hard to do when there is suspicion. Instead of asking for other people's opinions which can vary from each different person, tell her that you think she cheated on you. If she continues to say that she didn't as she has offered with little explanation, let her know that you trust her answer but her lack of good judgement for inviting a guy to a Bachelorette event, especially in such a way that seem like something else was taking place is unacceptable..  You have the right to think the way you did with the given circumstance. But you should give her the benefit of the doubt as well. Don't even bring it up again. Chances are, if she did cheat on you, you may never know as women do go to their graves with secrets. Just continue trusting her and working with her in trying to find a way to keep each other happy.  Let her conscience be her judge-not us. Remember that you can always find bad stuff on a person if you're looking to find one.

Saturday, September 10, 2016 4:32 AM

WOW, like so many of the cheaters on this site, your girlfriend is likely a narcissist.  She is displaying all of the classic characteristics.  First, you hit it off instantly.  These people use the idealization/devaluation/discard cycle to make you emotionally unstable and insecure.  They treat you like a king, you feel like this is the perfect partner, she compliments you and you can do no wrong.  Then, all of a sudden she insults you in a very hurtful way, and always in front of others.  You become the butt of the group's jokes.  They ask a question of you.  It will be about something you have great knowledge of, and they will say that you wrong about something you know is right.  They will then ask someone with you that has no knowledge of the subject, and then take their word over yours.  You are hurt and confused. You express your anger and she says that you are too sensitive or can not take a joke.  Again, this is meant to make you second guess yourself.  You know that something is wrong with the way you have been treated, but because the narcissist goes back to the flattery and validation, you think to yourself, how could someone who treats me so well have bad intentions when they joke with me in public?  This is the sweet/mean cycle at its best.  The cycle will continue until you are so addicted to the sweet part of the cycle that you will allow yourself to be abused during the mean phase.

She also used a classic narcissist's tool called "gaslighting."  This is where the narcissist acts in ways tha makes you question your memory, perception and knowledge.  They will move things in your house and deny doing it.  They will say certain things and then deny saying it, or they will send you, or someone whom they are trying to emtionally distance from you, to a wrong address or venue where a group of you are planning to meet.  When the go after a friend of their target, they try to make it look like the target intentionally sent the friend to the wrong place in order to keep the friend from attending the event, thus damaging the relationship between the friend and the target.  Classic!  In this case, she gaslighted you to buy time with her lover.

The fact that she keeps your marriage a secret is a huge red flag.  I am sure that the sex is off the wall.  That is a part of the seduction, but that will dry up soon enough because to a narcissist, sex is just a tool.  isn't a little wierd that she is so inexperienced, but so damn good at sex.  Trust me, she has had many partners and is lying to you to manipulate you.  I am positive that SHE was the cheater in her last relationship.  The always lie about their last partners when the relationship ends.  They lie to the family, friends and associates of their partners.  They claim to have been abused and to have been the one cheated upon, when they were the cheater.

The bachellorette party is a spin on the "girls night out."  She gets dressed up in her sexiest outfit and goes out drinking with men that want to screw her and her friends.  They go to an environment where there are many men, only you are not allowed to go. They get showered with attention and free drinks.  They experience this incredible validation of their sexual desireability.  They get a huge ego boost and many times engage in adulteroius behavior while you sit at home watching the kids or playing video games.  Idiot!  How is it that a club environment allows for girlfriends to interact with one another?  Why is a married person, male or female, hanging out in an environment where people are looking to hook up, and you can not go?  I am all for the girls vacation and all of that, but not in a place where it is just bars and parties.  I would think a good girls vacation, would be like going to NYC or DC or some cosmopolitan city where they can check out a concert, fine dining, theater or some other activity other than meeting people of the opposite sex to be validated.

I could go on and on about your post because this is classic narcissistic abuse from which you are suffering.  There is only one way to save yourself; RUN!  Pack your shit, get in your car, and get the fuck down the raod and don't look back.  RUN!  She is going to continue to cheat and make you think that you are the bad guy for reasonably questioning her behavior.  GET OUT: NOW!  Because you have allowed her to abused you with the demeaning statements, she escalated her behavior to gaslighting you on the wedding thing, the Florida party infidelity, the texting and additional cheating.  She is going to continue because you have allowed her to treat you so badly.  She can't stop because she has no conscious and takes pleasure in hurting you.  There is no cure, you can not help her, but you can help yourself.  LEAVE HER and do not allow her back into your life.  LEAVE NOW!

Saturday, September 10, 2016 6:46 AM

There is no such thing as to hang out to be friends between a guy and a  girl .  It is an invite to go further.

Run from her as fast as you can. She is trouble!

Sunday, September 11, 2016 7:34 AM

Based on your story you do not have a good relationship with her.  Things will never be better than they are now and will quickly go downhill.

Sunday, September 11, 2016 2:54 PM

If she gave you her passwords her self, then there is a pretty decent chance you will never find anything there. I really agree with everything OKB said, if she did care she would have stopped after you complained the first time, and you falling back on leaving her just makes it stronger. She knows you have access so the nicely turning down could be part of the act. 

Sunday, September 11, 2016 4:46 PM

There is no way of knowing the truth.  There are so many danger signs here that you don't need proof.  You are free to leave the relationship without any reason. Just leave. You seem like the kind of guy who won't do that, but instead try to fix her by proving her bad behavior. The real world doesn't work that way. Just leave and keep the drama to a minimum. 



Monday, September 12, 2016 3:14 AM

Ask her one last time to be honest with you. If she refuses, tell her that her story is full of holes and that maintianing flirtatious relationships with other men is not something you want in a girlfriend, unacceptable in a fiance, and impossible in a wife. Kiss her one last time and leave. 

Monday, September 12, 2016 11:43 AM

Tell, her that you found out that she cheated on you but are willing to forgive her if she tells you why she did it. Don't do it in a calm environment, do it somewhere where she won't be expecting such a conversation. If she keeps  denying leave for a period, if she tells you make another story asking for advice.


Mate no matter how much you say you trust her you really don't that's why your suspicious even when she gave an  explanation.  There is no one in the world who would believe that story. Too many holes. You should be disappointed she didn't even cover up well.

CKB guy is on modafinil for sure,

Take care. As hashtags pointed out that phone is useless, but maybe if she doesn't notice you could text the guy your suspicious about "When can we go at it again xx", then delete the message from her side and see the rply. This one is risky has a high chance of her knowing .




Tuesday, September 13, 2016 4:24 AM

Tell her how you feel about her behaviour


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