Tuesday, January 26, 2016 9:59 AM by Amanda
ive been with my husband for 15 years and im 30 so ya half my life ive been with him. i dont regret one second of it....i know hes my best friend thays why i dont understand know matter how bad i thought things were why i cheated on him. i feel like my husband never wanted me until i was ready to leave.....he used to talk down to me everyday and ive made that worse because of what i did now he really has some mean things to say. i didnt know he still loved me when i cheated he told me for years that he was just with me for the kids and eventually i started to believe it i guess. i didnt want a divorce and the pain of listening to his demeaning and hateful comments were getting overwhelming and i just lost it....and it doesnt matter what i do he will never see it that way. now i feel like if there was ever a chance for us to be happy well ive certainly ruined it now. its all confusing. sometimes i feel 100% responsible for cheating and then sometimes i wish my husband could see that his mental and emotional abuse played a big role in all of this. i didnt just cheat on him i went absolutely insane for a few days. i cant live without my husband but i convinced my self he no longer wanted me and i left and did drugs and ended up in a hospital for 30 days. now were back together and i feel like the cycle is starting over.....i will listen to his hatred fueled tantrums for as many years possible then when i absolutely cant take anymore i will do something completely dumb and wreckless......then and only then does my husband show me he loves me and is their for me and appreciates me. its fucking stupid on both ends. i feel like a whiny ass pathetic idiot.....im just hurting myself and if this is the way things are going to be im not doing my husband any favors by allowing our relationship to be like this....talk about dysfunction. it makes ne feeo weak and pathetic. any chance we had a good marriage i probably ruined but i have faith in him....i know he can be the man i need him to.....maybe im kot the woman he needs. but im trying god knows i love him and i hate myself for cheating on him. i wish i could say all this to him but it just leads to a fight.