A little over a year ago I was introduced to a guy from a friend for a reason I can't discuss. We met, locked eyes and talked, laughed, flirted for almost n hr...we instantly connected and kept innocently touching each other 'by accident '. I hadn't felt this instant attraction to anyone at all in about 10 yrs, and haven't been in love since about 3 yrs ago...which actually has to do with this story and will shortly explain the connection at the end. ...I rarely ever make th first move because guys are always chasing me, I'm unfortunately not attracted to them (of course personality is way more important may I add). When I got home from meeting this guy, I decided to text him asking what his situation was, he did tell me he was in a crappy situation with someone. ...from what I've heard on some of their phone calls, well , she can be a B....whenever I'd meet him and she was in the car she was ALWAYS so rude or distant, and he was always so irritated, until he saw me, if we'd talk and she was still nearby but in her own world on phone, he'd light up once we lock eyes. Anyways, I wish I could go back to the first evening we met and say noooo when we were texting sexy Msgs and he wanted to come over, I was super tired and told him that, but I allowed it, I wanted to see him, and this is so out of my norm, because I never sleep with someone that quick!!! I thought it might happen a few times, but no, it's still going on...starting to slow down a little bit. I would get sexy Msgs alllll the time, and for awhile I backed off and only saw him for reasons I can't state. He said to me after a some time..I'm sorry if I feel like I'm pressuring you, we can just go to dinner if you'd like. Meanwhile, there were other reasons I was backing off not just because of the gf , but I was just having normal female issues I was uncomfortable about like pH balance being off and dumb stuff like that, plus I was always soo tired from work a lot. I am a master manipulator, but never ever use those tactics unless absolutely needed for something super important and for stuff that doesn't hurt people..hopefully. So I thought it was really sweet what he said, but recognized possible manipulation....thing is, I do have strong needs so after that conversation, things heated up more. About a month later I came in contact randomly came with one of my ex boyfriends, I am friends with all of my exes except for the one who unfortunately died two years ago that I mentioned earlier. I was supposed to go over The guy that I am hooking kup with house for the first time because he always came to my house more otherwise we would just do stuff in the car. I told him I was at my exes house who I jut run into randomly and we we catching up...and oh boy, my ex, was going through a lotttt. So, I didn't leave when I said I as leaving I wasn't hooking up with you ex by the way. My 'guy' was like ...where are u? U said u left like an hr ago. I really was leaving this time, and he was like, so you'd rather hang out with your ex than be with me? I was like of course not he just wouldn't stop talking, his household situation is awful and has absolutely no one to talk to, blah blah,..so I didn't realize his gf was coming home from school so we was like, well I'll meet u somewhere now cuz she's gunna be home soon. (He fails to communicate certain things like I know exactly what's going on, lol, I read his mind a lot so I guess he assumes I know everything...lol, whatever. So we meet and he's not the type to get mad, so we had fun and has to part ways, which always sux. One more thing he said to me after me trying to back off a bit was, and I don't remembe r exact wording..do you not want to be with me anymore or something, i always come to you and you never come over(even tho I wasn't really invited over expect maybe once at that point) I hate the word no...I laughed because I am the same exact way. My mom used to have major problems when I was still at that age living at home, but any situation, I want what I want when I want it. So I told him I'm the same way and I'm sorry I've been backing off but the more I get something the more I want it and that's just not possible with us. He does have a kid who he's trying to get custody of cuz the mother is an idiot..son was sick the other week and she called a million times saying she can't figure this and that out. So it is attractive he's such a good father, his goal is to buy a house eventually for him and just his son. I promised him I'd come over his house more..we used to live 15 mins apart, now it's 40, so it's only fair to switch. I am now catching deep feelings for him even tho I know there's no future, plus...he cheated, with me..so what's to say he wouldn't cheat on me. I feel like I m in love..but here's the thing, my ex that died was the first by that broke up with me,he became addicted to working out and I could tel things were fading but instead of breaking up with him, I stayed till he broke up with me right before our one year anniversary. After breaking up, he called me more than ever after a month, then we hung out and hooked up alllll the time. Them he got a gf, I didn't know but after not hearing from him for 2 months I was like whatever. Then he came to me because he wasn't getting what he wanted from his gf..I felt like he was still mine, so I felt bad but not as bad as I should've felt. We hooked up for about 10 months, then I decided I wanted to distance myself a bit. Almost a week before he died at 31 ...he said he missed our sleepovers and he missed me and remembered why he fell in love with me, cuz I'm real, independent, smart, funny, fun, silly etc..he just during his obsessive workout period he wanted someone who was obsessed too...I am built well ..but I'm not a freaking body builder with huge muscles who loves working out. He had said something like, you don't want me anymore do u? I told him he still had a girlfriend, and after 2 yrs I don't remember the exact convo, but we never finished the discussion because he had a subarachnoid hemorrhage...along with relapsing on meds he used to beon and overdosed. So.....in a way i feel like I'm using my guy now for closure orssomething...he hasn't been sending as many sexy Msgs once I asked if I could come over....I want to be intimate with him at least once more because I just finally learned to squirt after years of trying and I have gotten off plenty but it that huge one yet were I just can't stop once I start . I know sound soooooo messed up, but I the most kind hearted person who's eels what others feel, I'm a people pleaser but I never do anything I don't want to. I feel awful being the girl on the side, just awful I just haven't found anyone who turns me on yet...sonim about to just end this nonsense, because.....one last time? Ummm, until I achieve my ultimate goal that last time may be awhile because the stress and pressure I'm putting on myself. Plus, my guy is busier now with a real job which is sexy too because he has more goals but last week he asked if I wanted to come take this b**h***c***, then he fell asleep, is what he told me the next day.which does happen..,to both of us, especially waking up at 430 am. But I had this weirdn intuition he maybe texted the wrong person. I keep saying to myself,whyyyy are u doing this to yourself???? What's wrong with me. I crave him and on,y him in me , or ya know...i love doing things some girls don't, but I wanna say no disrespect to anyone who's been cheated on. He almost got caught cuz I left my jewelry there once and his girl did look thru his phone a few weeks later
just tell me how stupid being.
inwant to be the one to spend any time on the weekends with his soni wanna show him how a real woman is like to be Ina relationship with but, like I said I don't wanna be his gf.
ugh, thanks for letting me share I know it's long and confusing and I could go on and on..but I won't. I'm ready for the constructive criticism