Thursday, August 11, 2016 5:18 PM by out of luck
I met this boy that seemed fairly nice, despite me meeting him in a club for a second time unintentionally. He told our mutual friend that he admired the way I looked, so i took this as a sign. Mind you this wasn't my boyfriend, my boyfriend was at home. My boyfriend at the time was a nice guy but I knew he wasn't the one for me. He was the one for someone else and when I walked up to this random guy, my boyfriend disappeared from my mind. The conversation went on without mentioning the man that was waiting for me at home. The man I met that night asked me to lunch, and i went on to accept the offer. The next day at my job I texted my boyfriend at the time, lets call him asshole and told asshole that I needed him to either move out or to put his stuff in the basement until the next month came, he was gone by the time I arrived home. I did this because ending my relationship between asshole and I had been in the works for sometime considering the past we shared; it was either coming home everyday unhappy or leaving this man to be single and see where things end up for me, all in all I knew i'd be happier on my own. So I went on that lunch date and it was so amazing that we'll fast forward six months down the road where things in my mind are all over the place. We'll call this other guy Lover, we had went through birthdays, christmas, valentines and all with flying colors. But something was missing, we'd talk but there was some sort of hollowness between us that I was picking up on. I had doubts and was confused, and at the time I wasnt sober. I was taking a drug called xanex which if your not framiliar with is something that basically makes you feel woosy and almost drunk without the alcohol involved. I was also friends with a women that would do it with me and being bestfriends and girls we thought doing this was okay and that it wouldnt effect our daily lives. So one night with this girl that we'll call selfish and I went out popping some xanex and going where ever the nightwould takes us. Lets give you guys some background on selfish because from the beginning of lover and I's relationship she was very negitive and never really supported us. She didnt think our relationship was going to go anywhere, she also has a boyfriend and would always compare and contrast our relationships. So stopping me for the sake of someone else wasnt the first thing on her mind, she would've rather me not be with my lover. But Back to the story, so were having a good time and i become so out of it that I start texting a guy that i use to talk to back in the summer before I met lover, he hits me back all flirty and being in thst state I was i asked him why we've never hung out without any thought of my boyfriend. Before I knew it I was on his couch talking, laughing and thinking everything is okay. We go upstairs and he tells me to talk off all my clothes and I obey, and things esclate to obviously sex. The emotions I felt at that very moment were sickening because I realized I was ruining a awesome relationship for no reason and that i was going to hurt someone that had only given me their all. So at this point I get my shit, I leave and go home. I realize that I have to tell him, because the guilt was eating me from the inside out, so I told him within the next few days. He had dropped me off at work and at work I gave him a call and said I would like to talk to you after work, can you please come over. He was like ofcourse babe i'll see you soon. I get home after work and hes at my home waiting for me, so I walk up to the car and ask him to get out so we can take a walk. He gets out the car and we continue to walk and I start to say I slept with someone else, at that moment he stops in his tracks and starts just flipping out. Yelling at me asking me how could I do this to him and why would I do this and at that point I really couldnt give him answer. I was lost, and he ended up getting in his car and driving away from me. I didnt see him for about a week until he asked to speak to me in person, in that week I learned why I cheated on the man I love. I believe I cheated because I didn't want to take responsibilities of being in a real relationship, I was scared. I was scared of commitment and I'm not talking about just any commitment, I am talking about connecting with someone on a mind body and soul level. And by doing what I did it really put things into perspective of what I wanted and who i wanted in my life. I didnt want a one night stand with someone who pretended to care about my wellbeing, but with someone who did actually crave my well-being and wanted the best in my life. I wanted him and it took me cheating on him to realize that and that may sound selfish and cleche but who the fuck cares its my life man and if I want to mess up and fix it then so be it. So during this talk I told lover I know what I did was wrong and by telling you what i did i no longer have a feeling of gult from hiding it from you. We didnt build our relationship on lies and I wasnt about to start now. I told him I was okay with not being with him because I knew what I did may have changed his feelings about me or whatever he was going through, but i was okay with this because i knew i had to take responsibility for my actions and if that meant losing him well than all i can do is accept that. I knew i would never cheat on another soul again and doing that to someone is a a huge step in the wrong direction. I knew if he could not forgive me for something that i was truly sorry about and could trust me when i say I wouldnt do it again I knew he wasnt the man for me. Only because when you love someone and if their intentions are pure than putting in the effort to fix the relationship would seem worth it. I knew either way I was going to learn from this. Things ended up going the opposite way than expected and that was him forgiving me for those mistakes and willing to fix our relationship. I have not cheated since and i will never hurt someone like that again, now i am still with my lover and we communicate as much as possible. It took a lot of time and work to continue to make the relationship move forward. But five months after the incident we are now very happy together and I will be moving in september with him. I love him and he loves me for who i am and all my mistakes, I fully trust him and thats very hard to find now a days so i wont ever let go. I cant believe how far we've come and how far we're going to go but it is a true saying that the truth is the best policy.