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Infidelity destroys lives

My husband cheated on me

Friday, April 29, 2016 12:14 AM by Guest Rating: +15|-2

April 19, started off like any other day and in one split second my life would go from wonderfully perfect to completely destroyed, that’s really all it took was one split second to destroy over 30 years. I had come home from taking care of my granddaughter on Friday night and had caught a glimpse of a strange email account that my husband was using to converse with a co-worker so I asked him about it. At the time he was running for public office so he had lots of interactions and correspondences with people, he told me that she was helping him gain voters from the community she had grow-up in. The department he works for is very small and everyone knows everyone, he’s worked there for many years. Something just felt a little off so after he left for work Monday morning I went searching for the strange email account he had been using it really wasn’t that difficult to locate and open it. It took more time fighting with my conscience then it did to find it. I had never had reason to not trust or believe in him, even after all the years and all the late nights and interactions with women (his job required being on call 24/7 and for all types of cases). I had complete faith and trust in him and I had never had a reason to doubt either one. There was no way to prepare myself for what I was going to find in those 178 emails between the two of them. It had been going on for longer than I could have even imagined. I read things the two of them had done with one another to one another the places and days they’d been with one another. s*** they’d even screwed around while on duty in the supply closet of his office and on lunch at her house.

This crap had been going on for months. I sat there trying to believe and make some kind of sense out of what I was reading. It’s so hard to explain how it feels for your whole world to be turned upside down. Being betrayed by the one person in life that’s suppose to stand by you, protect you and always be there for you no matter what. Those are the vows you swear to one another. She knew he was married and pursued him anyway she had been married to one of his co-workers but it had ended badly I can’t believe I felt bad for her if I’d only known she was going to turn to my husband for a shoulder to cry on and end up with him in her bed. How, how does this happen, I know it happens all the time but how does a previously married woman justify to herself and others that it’s ok to destroy another woman’s marriage?  It wasn’t just my marriage it was my life, it was my family. You see she didn’t only rip me apart she ripped my children and their lives apart. We were a close knit family or so we thought we were (a strong unit together we stood). My husband’s job requires honor, integrity, morals and principles, we always felt he had them all and was very proud of the man he was. We raised our kids to always use your head and do what you know is right (there’s only right and wrong no in between) and never do anything that would embarrass him in the public’s eye. Looks like we should have been the ones demanding his honor instead.

If my husband was unhappy with our marriage he should have come to me before he decided to let this paramour into our bed. If you find yourself in bed with another partner it’s safe to say you are no longer in love with your spouse. Love will always win out no matter who’s chasing you and what they’re offering. The amount of hurt and destruction this causes the people you once loved is unbearable, and once it’s done there is no going back. 30 years, a lifetime gone with just one bad decision. She chased she conquered and he lost everything but so did we. My family and I have learned how to get along with part of our structure missing. I have a 32 year old son with a significant other a 30 year old daughter with a husband and 2 beautiful daughters, without them I would have never made it past the first day. When you’re husband has an affair, this is the worst betrayal you will ever feel and how are you supposed to bounce back from it? You take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time. I lost my partner, my best friend and the love of my life, my home where I raised my children (who could live there knowing he had screwed her in our bed where we had shared so many magical moments) and the future we had planned and worked so hard for. Life is not supposed to be like this. I lost my self respect, my dignity and the way I lived my life. I was a nice person and felt if you did the right thing and treated people right everything else would just fall into place. It really doesn’t matter how good of a person you are or that you have faith in people that they know right from wrong, wrong always seems to win. You know she had enough gall to think if my husband was unhappy enough to go to her then I got just what I deserved? Nobody deserves this I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done nobody deserves this. He must love her more than he ever loved me, he sacrificed everything for her (he never made one sacrifice for us but we never asked him to. This is the worst type of paramour one that’s been married and swore all the same vows that I did and yet they meant absolutely nothing just like the ones he swore to me. She has a teenage son it makes me wonder what kind of values she’s taught him and if he was to do the same thing would she think it was wrong or would she pat him on the back and say way to go you just help destroy another human being. So much for LOVE. Do they even have any idea either one of them just what that one word means. We lost the true meaning of marriage and we wonder why the world is broken. The true meaning of marriage is love. By love I mean not what we feel but what we do. Love as a feeling is very flimsy. It’s an up and down roller coaster. Love is an action! In order for it to become the ultimate force and for us to rediscover the true meaning of marriage, love has to be unconditional. When you love someone you do, not feel. When you do it, it is unconditional. You are not looking for acceptance or validation. You are giving of yourself to another not because of them but because of your values. This is the true meaning of marriage. A death to one’s self so that another may live and benefit from your sacrifice. This is not an easy road to walk. It is the most rewarding road however.

An old saying goes like this, “I want peace, If you take your ego (I) and your desires (want) out of the equation i.e. the self, you will have only peace left. The true meaning of marriage is expressing love unconditionally to another. It is an unstoppable force that can endure anything. How do you find it? Within yourself, you have to draw strength from you. Neither seeking validation nor acceptance. Just seeking the opportunity to show love.”

This is the best description I can give you on what it’s like to learn that the one person you loved and trusted more than anyone else in your life has betrayed you.

The world suddenly seems extraordinarily unsafe. You wonder, if you could be so wrong about your husband, what other things are you wrong about. Can your friends be trusted, how about your parents, can anyone be trusted including yourself? You can’t sleep without images flooding your brain of your husband and the Other Woman. You imagine their sex is like the steamiest, most sexy movie ever. You imagine she’s more beautiful, more exciting, more interesting – no matter that reality (and often your husband) reveal otherwise. You feel invisible, useless, of no value. You might need to take anti-depressants. You might consider suicide. Betrayal takes you to the lowest point of your life. You feel a rage you never knew you were capable of. You could kill him and her, with your bare hands. If only you had the energy to get out of bed.

You can’t eat. You feel constantly sick to your stomach. Indeed, many betrayed wives are physically sick when they find out. You can’t think about anything BUT your spouse’s affair. Your children fade into the background. Your work suffers. You take no pleasure in anything and wonder if you’ll ever feel joy again. You have no idea whether to stay or go. You have no idea whether what he’s telling you about the affair is the whole truth, partial truth, or simply more lies based on what he thinks he can get away with. You wonder what happened to the man who promised to cherish you above all others, ’til death do you part’. Was he lying then, too? Has your entire married life been a waste? Has this happened before and you just never found out about it. You trust nothing and want back the years you feel cheated out of. It’s been over 4 years and I still feel this way. My grown children felt betrayed even and that their lives have been nothing but a lie.

My wish to all the women who have an affair with a married man is that just once you feel as much pain in your life as you have caused. And try to explain to your family just what a low life paramour you really are. Honestly, just what the f&$k were you thinking? You knew he was married. You knew he had children. You knew he slept beside me every night. And you knew that I knew nothing. Is that what made it so delicious? So tempting? That I appeared by his side at various events, utterly clueless to what was going on behind my back? Did you feel triumphant? That you’d beat me at something? Okay, so I looked stupid, at least to you. Is the satisfaction of that worth sacrificing your own dignity? Because, really, how can you have any dignity when you’re pulling on your panties as he races out the door to be home with me? And frankly, though I might have looked stupid, and perhaps pitiful, to you…and some less-than-compassionate others, I’ll take stupid over sleazy and low and cruel any day of the week. No matter how awful it felt when I found out, I’d still take that over being you. No matter that my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying, I can still look myself square in the mirror without shame. Did you think it was simply a matter of time? That you would be appealing enough for him to walk away from the life he’d built? (well you were right he loved you more than he loved us) Did you think all those fantasies you’d convinced yourself of – that I nagged, that I was lousy in bed, that I was boring and bitchy – were actually true? Did you really believe that any relationship based on deception would deliver you from your unhappiness? My guess is, yes, you did. My guess is that very few Other Women honestly admit their role as an accomplice in the intentional hurting and deception of another human being. Often another human being you don’t really know much about other than what he’s told you. Instead, you sell yourselves clichés. Something along the lines of “we’re soul mates”, “we couldn’t help ourselves”, “the chemistry was too powerful” or “you can’t stop love.” All of which, I suspect you recognize on some level, is total bullshit. All of which allows you to divorce your abhorrent actions from your intent. “We didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” you wail. “Oh Yes You Did”. Because you knew, You knew that I was being hurt, even if I didn’t yet know it. You knew I was being lied to. And betrayed, and you participated in that. “Knowingly, Willingly, Perhaps even happily.” What’s more, my children and grandchildren were being hurt. And though I don’t expect you to take total responsibility for that (after all, HE was their father and grandfather), you nonetheless contributed to the potential dissolution of this entire family. And for what? You took a lifetime from me and almost my life. I would have tried anything to make the pain go away. I hope one day that you feel the betrayal the hurt and the pain you have caused. And then let’s see if you still feel the same.

The two of you work in a profession of dignity, integrity and honor and wear a badge and uniform to represent this, HOW? You fooled around while being dressed in this uniform, HOW? My children and grandchildren will never be part of his life again, HOW can you live with yourself? One day we’ll be able to put this behind us and move on (at least I hope we can) but you’ll always be the one that destroyed an entire family.

Tags: Daughter; Divorce; Friend; Kids;

Thank you for voting.

Comments

Friday, April 29, 2016 8:53 PM
Guest

To:  betrayed wife

I wanted to share something with you.  For starters, thank you for sharing your story with me.  Your story just brings back memories (horrible ones), that I'm still going through.  It's funny, one would say that I'm mental (5150), but that's not the case. I'm just heartbroken, To me, it seems like you're very intelligent woman that likes to read, so your story impressed me, and that's why I wanted to share (5 part story), this with you.  I wrote up a mini book.  Just like you, I had questions that were never  answered, not even some kind of closure.... but what I did was.... I ended up writing a mini story.   I had to come up with my own answers, because no one wanted to give them to me, or even be involved. It help.....  so I wanted to share it with you. Please, enjoy reading it, on my behalf.   Hopefully it's sheds some light, into both our lives, for the near future that's waiting for us.  Good luck to you and your family.

From:  betrayed husband

"The True After Effects, When Dealing with Infidelity, Why Does It Hurt, and Remain Haunting, the Significant Other, After a Divorce, or Separation"

Part 1 of 5

Here's what I've learn when reading on all these topics, this past year, about this unbelievable, devastating, heart breaking word, CALLED INFIDELITY. 

Why do we cheat? Why do happy people cheat? And when we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy, but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy? And is an affair always the end of one's relationship? For many years there have been couples who have been shattered by infidelity. There is one simple of transgression that can  rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness and their very identity, an AFFAIR! And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood. So I decided to explain the after effects, that infidelity truly hurts our inner souls, and also haunts our powerful minds with guilt and regret, for a long, long time. Some would even say, that this kind of shame, that loving partners, would even take this (lies), to the grave (6 feet under), with them. To be completely honest, I'm also addressing it, for anybody that has ever been in love at one time, then, out of the blue, gets blindsided, with a shocking and never-ending, heart-wrenching AFFAIR!  Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the taboo against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So much so, that this is one horrific devastated and shocking, way to really crush a significant other, that everyone was convince, you once loved. By doing so, by breaking, his or hers loving huge, heart. So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden? Yet universally practiced? Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories that justified the need to roam or to stray, so the double standard is as old as adultery itself. But who knows what is really going on, under the sheets of one's  marriage, right? Because when it comes to sex, the pressure for men it's to boost and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women is to hide this affair, to minimize it and to convince themselves to always deny the affair ever happened and strongly convince everyone you wouldn't ever involved yourself in an affair. Which isn't surprising, when you consider that there are still 9 countries that I know of, where women can still be killed for straying. Now, monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is considered and practice with one person at a time. We used to marry, and had sex for the first time, but now we marry, and we stop having sex with others. The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love. Men rely on women's fidelity in order to know whose children these are. Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat? But who really knows, right? 

"The True After Effects, When Dealing with Infidelity, Why Does It Hurt, and Remain Haunting, the Significant Other, After a Divorce, or Separation"

Part 2 of 5

It would surprise you that the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding, with sexing, watching porn, straying, secretly active on and hiding on date apps from your other half. So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition of what ever constitutes the meaning of infidelity. Now, I came up with my version, my definition of a true "AFFAIR" taking place - it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the court structure of an affair. An emotional connection to one degree or another, and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic friction that occurs, is such as strong as a lovers, intimate, passion and never ending 1st kiss. You can only imagine getting that kind of emotional, sexual, erotic pleasure and it can be as powerful, as enchanting, and possibly it can add hours of actual non-stop lovemaking. It's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person. So it's never been easier to cheat, and never been, more difficult to keep a secret, but never has infidelity extracted such a psychological toll. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened our economic security. But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery - that was the space where we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it! 

"The True After Effects, When Dealing with Infidelity, Why Does It Hurt, and Remain Haunting, the Significant Other, After a Divorce, or Separation"

Part 3 of 5

Now, there are 3 ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic idea, in which we turn to one person, to fulfill an endless list of needs:  to be my greatest, my best lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confident, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal. And look, I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique, I am indispensable, I'm irreplaceable, DAM IT! I am the one! And infidelity tells me, that I'm not. Why? Because it is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love. Throughout history, infidelity has always been very painful, but in todays society, it is transmatic, because it threatens our sense of self. And now, infidelity has us questioning everything about our relationship. Infidelity is now a big violation of trust, a huge crisis of identity. "Can I ever trust you again? Can I trust anyone again?" When a significant other is aware that an affair is taking place within their relationship. He or she, now, becomes a detective. They end up finding lots of photos, now hundreds of emails are discovered, you find yourself and are now reading about their exotic desires, vivid details of their sneakiness and of course everything is now out in the open. Questions will be asked within our circle of friends, and rumors are now flowing within your family members, but lastly, this ultimate betrayal, to your spouse, will also have an effect, eventually he or she becomes fixated how long, did this affair been taking place? It all unfolds right in front of them! The ultimate betrayal to a love one. 

"The True After Effects, When Dealing with Infidelity, Why Does It Hurt, and Remain Haunting, the Significant Other, After a Divorce, or Separation"

Part 4 of 5

It makes you wonder and realize, that affairs in the digital age, can feel like a death by thousand cuts. I wonder, if they realize the embarrassment, did they truly care, do they realize the effects that will now take into place, the emotions of guilt, question yourself ...why? The ripple effect is now in place because of this affair. Why would they put their partner through something so horrible? Then we have another thing we're dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor. But we also have never been more inclined to stay and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our own desires. We live in a culture where our desires make us happy. If your using divorce because  you both are unhappy. Then in today's society, we can use divorce, because we could be happier. And if divorced carried all the shame in our earlier days, then today, choosing to stay when you can leave, is the new shame! Why? Because you can't talk to your friends. You're afraid they will judge you and now because of this affair, eventually you will seek out for advice from love ones.  But always getting the same advice. "leave him or she". And if the situation were reversed, would you end up doing the same? Staying within the marriage or relationship is the new shame! So if we can divorce, then why do we still have affairs? Is there something wrong within your marriage or is there something wrong with you as an individual? What if there are things, that even a good relationship can never be provided? If even happy people cheat, what makes them do it and do they realize their intentions.

"The True After Effects, When Dealing with Infidelity, Why Does It Hurt, and Remain Haunting, the Significant Other, After a Divorce, or Separation"

Part 5 of 5

Their are couples who have actually been faithful to one another, faithful for decades, but one day they crossed a line, that they never thought they would never cross, and knowing at the very risk of losing everything. Affairs are actually a huge betrayal and they are also an expression of loving and loss. At the heart of an affair you are often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy. An affair is about someone's abolescence that they never have had before. It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self. When starting an affair or maybe this affair is taking place NOW, everyone is so quick and forward with questions and concerns. But Affairs do happened, Why? The people involved in an affair have always expressed these words.... 'WE FEEL ALIVE ONCE AGAIN". It has led me to think that perhaps these questions are the one that protel people to cross the line, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat the black deadness. People in affairs may tell you stories, some are lonely stories, but some are about a specific loss that once occurred in their life, a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, bad news from the doctor. Death and mortality ofen live in the shadows of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think that perhaps, these questions are the ones that propel people to cross the lines, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness. And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex and a lot more about desire. Desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important, desire for protection, plus the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting! That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can't have! This is the true after effects, when dealing with infidelity, and knowing that it could hurt and damage, the mind and soul, of a love one. Now this could possibly, haunt you with guilt, shameful unforgiving regrets, for the rest of your lives, or in fact, you do end up taking these (lies) to the Grave (6 feet under) with you.

Special notes added by the author:

"Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my mini story concerning infidelity. I hope this is very helpful for you, because if I would have known this well I was married, who knows what the outcome would have been.  This was dedicated, to my significant other, who I was so in love with.....  (from the bottom of my heart)..... so in love with, that was once, a part of, my everyday in life". 

"The truth will set you free", is also a lesson that "someone", needs to learn to keep in mind. Sooner or later (all the bad hidden stuff), you've done, in the past and surprisingly now, in the present will come back at you.  I call this".....

"ghost of your past"

"I've learned a lot (over these past years), from my break-up."

 

 
Tuesday, May 3, 2016 12:33 AM
Guest

ok first of all id like to say im a white magic witch and it's a pleasure reading your heartfelt story. your words were like a visual plot displaying rite before my eyes. thank you for that. so if my advice is of any use my visual was like reading between the lines and let me tell you that your husband is not happy with this other woman. yea he has to much pride to let anyone including you and your children that he made the biggest mistake in his life. although like I said he has to much pride to let anyone see his pain in all this. he rather deal with this woman bs then to face his demons of regret. he will not be as strong as he is much more longer because eventually some health news might break him and he knows damn well his mistress will not support him the way his wife will. when this happens it could be a year or so from now but you must stay strong and not accept him with open arms. if you do so he will have the upper hand and temptations will take over once again. 

 

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