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Is there hope?

My wife cheated on me

Thursday, January 7, 2016 4:39 AM by Jay Rating: +23|-7

I am writing this because I am truly interested and in need of advice from all angles.

This is a very complex situation. Its a bit of a read. I'll try to make it brief, but if your truly interested in helping, I ask you please bear with me.

 

My wife of two years recently cheated on me. Here is some background She is 21, I am 24. I knew her as a neighbor friend since she was 15. Eventually we started dating 4 years after meeting her when she was 15. We dated for 6 months (yes it was rushed). We both got married young despite some of our family's slight disaproval and desire to move out of our conservative homes. We were both raised pretty sheltered. We were each others first love, I was her first everything. Our bond was strong, mostly due to the fact that we have gone through so much shit together through our marriage. She came from a pretty dysfunctional home which resulted in a lot of insecurities, as I began to discover when we were married.

Things were (seemingly) OK until a few months ago. We are both college students and had a pretty solid goal together. However, during this time we both grew distant. I would get so focused on my school that we stopped making date nights, or spending quality time together. Sex became just sex, rather than intamacy. We both stopped communicating like we used to. It seems we lost the focus of our marriage and felt almost like room mates. Asides from this, I was not insecure about our love for each other at the time.

Anyways... My wife was a very shy person, mostly due to the lack of socializing with other people (I used to suffer the same thing). I recommended that she hang out at school and make friends by opening up and by small-talk. Well, she met a friend in one of her classes, we will call this guy "Dave". My wife and "Dave" were class partners for a lot of stuff and I noticed they began to hang out a lot more, and as you probably can already tell. "Dave" and her became friends.

My wife asked me if it was OK if she became friends with a "guy friend". I was not insecure about our relationship, so I said yes. I began noticing they would hang out more frequently. My wife, who used to hang out with me during our school breaks would be found talking to "Dave" or hanging with him. These breaks would turn into going downtown to get coffee with friends, or "Dave" buying her food or coffee. I began to get jealous and began to resent saying it was OK to hang out with him. I got angry at her one time for not letting me know she was going out to get coffee with "Dave" and his friends because I got worried when she wasn't at school when I was done with my classes. Normally my wife and I stay in constant communication, so this unusual behavior made me uncomfortable.

Now, at this point I told her I was not ok with her doing that. She said she was sorry and would stay in communication with me and that I needed to "Trust her". So after that I realized I really did need to trust her and did so.

To make a long story short, a few weeks later my wife asked if it was OK to go to his house to help him with homework. This is where it happened. She told me she would be home at 9pm, yet didnt come home until 4 am in the morning. I want to believe my wife went over there with pure intentions, and her texts to me (before 9pm) assured me she did and she was coming home.

Anyways, she cheated on me there and I suspected she did when she came home. She didnt admit it to me, but I knew something was up. I later found out through online messages by reading conversations between them. At this point I lost it and became very angry and told her she needed to come home and pack her stuff, and leave. She left to go stay with her family and eventually with her friends (not live with "Dave")

I don't want to go into irrevalent details but between this time of me telling her to leave and to the point of this writing, we had very little to no contact. I didn't want to see her, I felt extremely betrayed and her cheating and lying destroyed the very core of my being that made me strong. I filed divorce papers and felt like this was the end. I wanted nothing to do with her. As time progressed, I began to look at our marriage and what mistakes were made. After nearly 2 months of no contact and me really trying to move on, she reached out to me. She wanted to talk to me and I wanted to talk to her. We tried talking over social media sites. I wanted her to know the pain I was going through, so I would bring up her cheating and tried to understand why she did it. It mostly ended up where we both argued or played the blame game. We both decided it would be best to meet up in person.

We just recently met up in person and decided it was best to meet in a public place to have a civil discussion. We decided to be honest with each other and talk about what happened. We talked about things, we actually had a good time. We walked around the park, railroad tracks, and just enjoyed ourselves like we used to. It was like we were dating again.

As angry as I am about my wife cheating on me, and how deep of a scar it left, I still Love her. I never stopped loving her and she admitted she never stopped loving me. She saw how much pain she put me through and the reason she cheated on me was because of a drunken mistake and naive decisions. But at the same time she admitted she developed feelings for this guy. She says this guy does not mean as much to her as I do, especially now that she realizes he isnt the person she thought he was. I think she feels kind of used. I am not defending her actions for cheating on me, or justifying them, but I failed as a husband in many ways. Most of them were due to BOTH of us losing focus on each other and not respecting each other. We are both young and didnt treat our marriage like should have been treated. We didn't nurture it like it should have been. I asked her "How can you love me if you were willing to do that to me?". She said she has no words, but that she is very sorry and she wants to make things right. I told her that there are going to be conditions if she wants to come back and restore things with me. (1) Cut "Dave" out of our lives. He cannot be in it AT ALL. Even on her social media. She said she is willing to do what it takes to fix this. She told me she fucked up really bad and she hates her self.

 

These past few days, she keeps wanting to meet up with me and spend time with me. They have been bittersweet. I love it, but it also brings me great pain as it reminds me of what we had and what we lost due to one selfish event.

My friends tell me "Once a cheater, always a cheater". But I'm not so sure. I want to believe that instead of destroying our marriage, it could give us a chance to start over and do things the right way and to realize the mistakes we both made. Our divorce papers are signed, they are not finalized yet, but will default soon. She told me she wants to let it go through, so we can start over. A part of me believes her. I want to believe her and give her another chance. I would be willing to start over with her. My heart tells me to do this.

I just need some opinions of this matter. Am I thinking rationally? Do you think that she show signs of someone truly sorry? Should I give her another chance? Is there hope?

If your still reading this, I applaud you. I will try to respond and keep you posted if you want to know how it turns out.

 

-Jay

 

 

 

 

Tags: Dating; Divorce; Friend; Neighbor;

Thank you for voting.

Comments

Thursday, January 7, 2016 10:28 AM
Guest

Your both young and human. Many couples make mistakes and find a way to work things out. I believe your wifes insecurities got the best of her. She's young and only has experienced you. At some point something was missing in your marriage and she probably felt lonley and got curious what it would be like being with someone else. She figured out real quick that the grass is not always greener on the other side. If you love her and can live with the fact that she cheated then stay with her and work things out. It will always take two to make it work. Considering your both young and have a big future ahead of you I would continue on with the divorce and finish school, establish your careers,experience going out doing fun things then if you both are still in love I would get married and start a family. In the mean time keep a close eye on her communications with the other guy/guys. Good Luck 

 
Thursday, January 7, 2016 10:43 AM
Guest
I have had a similar experience. I was married and found myself involved in an affair after about two years (it was very brief, two months). My wife admitted it was largely her fault and ask if we could try again. We got back together and several wonderful years together.Then she found herself involved with another man. This was purely a sexual based situation. It lasted about three months. After I found out, we had a very in depth open conversation and I realized I was largely to blaim. We both wanted to get back to where we were before there was any cheating; and with time, we were able to do that. We became very devoted to each other, and were "the envy" of many of our friends for such a devoted relationship. We had three children we both cherished and spent the next 15 years very happy together until she passed from cancer. I still love her very much (it's been 9 years) and miss her even though I have moved on and am in a very good relationship with another lady. So it can work, if both of you have a strong desire and are honest with each other. I suggest, "Go for it".
 
Thursday, January 7, 2016 12:47 PM
Angel

         OK there is no exuse for cheating. I hear all the time the drunken excuse. You decided to drink and know that stupid things can happen while your drunk. Now I am not saying not to forgive  her just don't let an excuse  justify things. If she went to study then why were you drinking. She lied she went to party. maybe she didn't  plan to sleep with him but she lied about the studying. Why would anyone let there wife's be friends with a man and let them go over there house. That was your fault. Fuck modern ways of living. Divorce  rates have gone higher than ever no one takes a vow seriously  anymore no respect for each other. Love has ran cold. Your heart wants her back. Fuck your heart it is deceitful. Use your logic. sit down examine everything  that happen. There is a puzzle you need to put together. Ask question and ask the same  question  again. Look for wholes in her story.  if she say the best way to get through it is to forget it leave her. She cheated not you. If she loves you she is willing to answer any question. She should be fighting for her marriage. Once a cheater always  a cheater I don't believe that. But now there is a possibility she will do it again . My wife and I share a facebook. We have each others phone password  and we both can pick it up and  look through  it. No secret between us. I have been married  for  18 years and we are still madly in love. she was your unicorn  untouched by man. She no longer have that status. No Trust No Relationship . Logic not emotions.

 
Thursday, January 7, 2016 2:28 PM
Guest

go for it but you completly gonna have to trust each other.If you truly love each other it wouldnt be a problem.My parents are first lovers and they have been married for nearly 30 years no one has cheated on each others.

 
Saturday, January 9, 2016 7:51 AM
Guest

Definetly give it another shot. I'm sure you've thought about banging other chicks so the non physical betrayal is the same. Yous are only human and if these keeps communication open you got off not I'd say easy but the devil you know is better than the one you don't. Hell I am pretty sure my wife's had other men's cocks in her mouth since we've been married she will never admit it so I can't be justified in even telling her I'd want to knock boots with another chick or even that she's hot because it will hurt her feelings.

 
Saturday, January 9, 2016 7:38 PM
Guest

move on. If she did it once she will do it again..

 
Saturday, January 9, 2016 7:40 PM
Guest

don't restart because most likely to happen again but this time kids will suffer. Forgive and forget

 
Tuesday, January 12, 2016 7:23 AM
Guestefraim

Sorry man but you may be able to say yes for now and may be she will not do that again but the thoughts of her with the "friend" will be there for ever and the time you will want to leave her will come and it will be to late because you will get use to ger it will not be possiable so sorry you have to leave her it will always be on your mind  and you and her young so not all os lost .. betrayle is  unforgivable sorry

 

 
Sunday, January 31, 2016 3:02 PM
Guest

She wants to go ahead with the divorce so that she can do whatever she wants without the guilt of having a husband. When she has had all of her fun and good times, she'll come back to you hoping to become a wife. Let the divorce go through and then let her go. Don't stay.

 
Thursday, April 7, 2016 3:44 AM
Guest

If you can bring yourself to leave her do it, you are too young to waste too much time with a cheating woman. If you love her and can't live without her, stay with her and hang on to your free pass for a time (it will come) when you get a chance to bang a hot little dish, do it and enjoy every minute of it. And one last thing, guy friends for your girl is a no no, absolutely no guy friends, that situation always ends bad, guys know how to get in a womans head and it's always for the same reason, to get in her pussy. Your a guy, am I wrong? Good luck.

 

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