I met a man online. We were both in unhappy marriages. We clicked immediately. He confided in me that he was bipolar. I didn't know much about this illness but didn't care because I liked him. About two months into our relationship, his wife found out about us and he moved out. She filed for divorce. I supported him emotionally throughout his divorce. I was still married but extremely unhappy. I always worried that he would leave me eventually because he is single now and I am still stuck in this unhappy, unfulfilling marriage. I wanted out but lost my job and couldn't support myself if I left. He always assured me he loved me and didn't care. I was torn. I love him so much but I was married and he was single. It ate at me constantly. I wanted to be single and free. I was tired of lying and making excuses for where I was going or who I was with. He assured me things were good with us.
We were together for almost a year. We had our ups and downs, which I would later find out through educating myself with the illness, a lot stemmed from his bipolar disorder and its symptoms. Despite minor arguments, we were attached at the hip. He called and texted me all day, every day when we weren't physically together. We were one and the same and enjoyed each other's company. We laughed hard and we loved hard. We were exclusive and we labeled ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. I met some of his friends and his parents.
We were deeply and intensely in love, until one day, it all came crashing down. Six weeks ago, he suddenly broke up with me. It came out of nowhere. The day before, he loved me and talked like normal. He was sweet and affectionate. The next morning, he broke it off. He said he couldn't deal with the guilt of how he acted within his marriage. That I was right, because I am married, I am limited with my time. Which, honestly, wasn't true because I was spending almost all my free time with him. I never blew him off. If he wanted to see me, I was there. No matter what. I answered all his calls or immediately returned them if I couldn't answer at the time. He also said I could never meet his young son because he would know I was partly why his parents were divorced. That statement hurt me more than anything. It made me sound like a monster. I am not a bad person. I was and still am an unhappy woman in an unhappy marriage that made a choice to go outside that marriage and met someone who made me happy.
He said he had to close this chapter of his life. So, that is what everything we experienced together talked about, explored intimately was...a chapter in his life that he needed to close and move on from. He claimed he needed this separation to deal with this guilt. I will soon find out, though, that his way of dealing with this guilt of cheating on his wife would be immediately jumping into another relationship after me. In fact, less than a week after our break up, he was posting on Facebook how happy he was and one of his friends asked if it was because of a certain someone. That someone was NOT me. So, he was obviously pursuing this person while he was still with me and professing his love for me. I may be delusional, but wouldn't that mean he was cheating on me?! The very thing he said he couldn't deal with doing during his marriage. Also, I know I was not the first woman he was with when he went looking outside his marriage. Why didn't he feel guilty then? Why did it take him 8 months to finally grow a conscience? If what he is telling me is true. Now, I don't know what to believe.
The worst part about all of this is that immediately after he broke up with me, he blocked my number so I couldn't even defend myself or discuss what happened. He made his decision with no regard for how I felt and then cut me out of his life as if I never existed. I have never had anyone treat me with such disdain in all my life. He went from a sweet, loving, affectionate man to cold and uncaring literally overnight. Was I finally feeling the wrath of his bipolar disorder or am I truly just a piece of shit that can be loved one minute and thrown away the next like trash? Why didn't he tell me how he was feeling BEFORE he made this life altering decision. If he loved me as much as he said he did, how could he give me up so easily? I told my husband everything. He doesn't want to divorce me but I want out. I want to be on my own. I have this unrelenting urge to contact his ex-wife and apologize for my part in their divorce. I can't imagine the hurt she felt after being with this man for almost 10 years and having his child. She is a strong woman. I also would like to ask what it was like to be married to him. Did he have a pattern of doing this? I need to know for the sake of my sanity. I need to know the demise if our relationship was not all my doing. I need to know so I can forgive myself.
I am in therapy now. The first few weeks were brutal. I completely shut down. For the first two weeks, I couldn't leave the house let alone my bed. I lost 10lbs, I hated the sun for shining, the world turned into a dark, cruel place I no longer wanted to be. You see, Although I know now it was a fairy tale, he made me feel things I never thought possible. He made me feel young and carefree again. When I was with him, my problems dissolved and it was just "us." The most mundane tasks seemed magical. He may have been using his gift for his own personal gain, but for the short time we were together, I experienced it too. He touched my heart in a way I fear no one will be able to do again. THAT is what I miss. The escape he gave me. It's not just the loss of the relationship I mourn, it is having to return to the life I was so desperately seeking to leave. I hate myself because I feel I caused all of this. I put my fears in his head and he took those fears, used then as an excuse to leave and ruined my life forever. He took the love he claimed he had for me and is now giving it to someone else. He changed his Facebook status to "in a relationship." It said nothing when we were together. Did he change it now because he found his true soulmate and is finally happy or did he do it because he knew it is what I desperately wanted for us and it was one last knife in my heart? I will never know. I am dead to him.