How can you allow  a women to disrespect  you  in such a way. Honesty  is  one thing but to yell at you and hurt you in this matter is pathetic. How is it your fAult she didn't  communicated this to you before. She never gave you a chance to be the great lover. To better yourself and to express  it how much you love her. Fuck  the sex she chose to lie to you easily  with no remorse and only came clean when you pushed. Your mind is constantly  tormenting because logic is telling you the 95% of your happy marriage  is a scam. I don't  want to be a percentage  in my wifes eyes. She needs to be my all like am her all. How many other times has she done this and with out guilt lived life like this is ok. People will tell you  not to destroy  your marriage  because  it's just sex. If it was just sex you wouldn't  have felt the way you do. Sex is intimate  and very personal  and she gave her self to someone  else because you where not " good enough " to ha e a fighting chance. Why stay? Your daughter  needs  a loving father to grow. You don't need to be the husband  of her mother to raise  her right. Go do better for yourself, you deserve  repeat. FUCK YOUR WIFE.

I've been there buddy but in a much different way. I've been married for nearly fifty years and my wife's affair occurred in our first year of marriage, while I was in Germany. For many years, the secret was kept from me by my wife, by the man with whom she was involved, and by some family members. This secrecy was made possible, in large part, by my so obtuse as to not read the signs. I didn't see the truth because, to paraphrase, "I couldn't handle the truth". She even sent me a Dear John letter ("I've met someone. He's real good to talk to and we have a lot of fun together"), for crying out loud, and I managed to convince myself it didn't mean what it seemed to mean. It was a few months later that she joined me in Germany and it was, in my mind, as if there had never been any other relationship in her life. Things were a little strange when she first arrived in Germany because she didn't even want me to touch her and spent a lot of her time staring off itno space. I attributed this to us having been apart for several months and maybe a little homesickness. I now realize she was missing her boyfriend. So, why did she even come over to Germany? Because he had, just like me, been drafted. Uncle Sam broke up the affair. I figured this out, years later when I finally caught on to the fact that the affair had occurred. When I first became aware that the relationship had existed, I thought she had simply ended the affair and chosen to be with me. The realization that he was drafted out from under her changed my perspective a little because it wasn't until he was gone that she decided she wanted to join me in Germany.

Anyway, at the time, I just blundered along, clueless. By the time a couple of years had passed, we were parents and life was pretty idyllic. There was one incident which offered up another clue, which should have enabled anyone with half-a-brain to connect the dots. We were out at a local tavern when my wife was accosted by another woman who accused her of having had sex with her husband, a couple of years previous to this. My wife, denied that any such thing had taken place and I was able to push this information down into my sub-conscience, along with the rest of it. I realize now that I chose to believe the lie because, to paraphrase Jack Nicholson, "I couldn't handle the truth". Think of it; I had now been given the letter, the strange behavior, and verification by a third party. I even now finally had the name of the man who had been screwing my wife while I was gone but I didn't even acknowledge the occurence. It's pretty pitiful when you think about it.

    Things became even more complicated when I had an affair of my own, with a co-worker. This was a brief sexual affair which occurred because I was morally weak at the time. My wife and I were under some strain and I stepped outside the marriage. I have been beating myself up over this for years and, for years, was convinced I was a low life son-of-a-bitch who had cheated on his ever-faithful wife. I still knew no different. I stopped this affair almost as soon as it started and put it behind me although I was ashamed of myself and convinced I deserved any punishment which came my way; and there was plenty of it! I soaked up any abuse which came my way because I deserved it.

The marriage survived though and we had another child. The years passed and life went by until, forty-five years after the fact, I had an epiphany. Holy shit! My wife had been involved with this guy and I had been so stupid that I had never seen it for what it was. She admitted to the affair although she claimed intercourse never took place (although some sort of sexual act did), a claim which is, quite frankly, not credible. She even claimed they were only alone together one time. This claim is even less credible, of course.

     The thing is, none of this should matter. After all, many, many, years have passed and the boyfriend (whom I never did meet) is even dead! To me though, because the realization came so late. it is as if it happened yesterday and I can't shake it. My young wife betrayed me then lied about it for years. Our early marriage was all based on a lie. Her sisters probably knew. One brother-in-law certainly knew (he was the asshole's best friend). I never even met the guy and no one was anxious for me to meet him and he was certainly not interested in meeting me. I have always had a reputaion as a fighter and I think he was simply afraid of what might happen. His wife, (the one who made the accusation against my wife) kept him away from me. The truth is, I was so stupid, I probably wouldn't have cought on anyway so their fears were groundless.

     The ramifications of an affair can be far-reaching. When I think back to our first couple of years, after returning from Germany, I used to think of that time as being pretty idyllic. Now, the knowledge that I was married to a cheater who had been lying to me for the past two years, makes me feel physically ill and I am filled with anger. This in spite of the knowledge that, given my own affair, I haveno right. I belong to a boxing club where I can spar with, and beat on, younger men as a bit of a release. I know my feelings are unreasonable and, intellectually, I know there is no good reason for my anger. Emotionally though, I feel I've been a complete fool and a laughingstock. I struggle to hide my anger and to keep from bringing the affair up to my wife. I'll never know what really happened and am really only rouble the little things. Did she ride around with him in my car? Did she remove her rings when she was screwing around with him? Did they correspond while he was in the Army? Did they ever meet after we returned from Germany?  These are questions for which I'll never have the answers. If I mentioned her affair, she gets very defensive and is able to counter with mine (no secret there. That affair, though very brief, was out in the open; to my real shame.).

    I'm probably going to suffer with this for the rest of my life. I suffer from depression anyway and this is part of it. I feel betrayed and, at the same time, feel as if betrayal is all I deserve. My advice? Find a way to get past it. If your marriage is worth saving, to you, both of you need to work at it. Take care of yourself and work on building your own self exteem and respect. If you have respect for yourself, you will not feel as threatened by the past. In other words, do as I say, not as I do!  HW