This all started because of my pornography addiction back when we were dating, about 7 years ago. The first time I looked at porn while we were dating I felt awful, so I confronted her and told her I had a problem. I saught help from my dad, a great man and very devout Christian. I've been told that I have an addictive personality, such as my addiction to tobacco, and my former addiction to porn. Anyway, all was good for a few years.
One day I was an ass and let myself slip. I tried to hide it from her, but she found out while using my phone. I went for help again, and was good for about another year.
We got engaged, and like an ass I was back into porn. Once again I got caught. However, this time was different. I was heading out of town to college almost two hours away, and she said she'd have a hard time trusting me. I never blamed her for that, not ever. She and my older sister helped me unpack into my dorm, and when they had to go she was crying.
About two weeks into classes I'm sitting in my dorm reading up on my homework, and I get a call from her crying. I can barely understand her through her sobbing. Finally, she says "I cheated on you. I'm so sorry." At first I was speechless, I thought I didn't quite hear her correctly. Then it hit me. I asked her "with who?" And she told me it was with a guy from her dance class/club, and they also worked together. After she got home from helping me unpack at my dorm she was upset and went to his place. He then got her high and told her he loved her and would never hurt her. Then she cheated on me. She told me they just got naked and she gave him oral. That first semester at college was hell for me. I hated everything, and everyone. I just hid behind a damn mask and acted happy just to get by. There were several times I could've cheated, but I resented women at that point. There was a pretty girl who offered to drive me back to my place from the mechanic shop, I declined and she gave me her number. I threw that in the trash. Then a very pretty drunk girl on her way back from the club staggered past my dorm and I had the door open. I was just watching TV and drinking (did I mention I was a drunk that entire semester?). She poked her head in the door and invited me to a small party with her and her girlfriends, I just said thank you but I can't. And told her to have fun. For a period of time I also hated her for cheating on me, but I can't blame her for the entirety of it all. I do feel it's partially my fault.
During that time frame I was on and off about wanting to get married, but I loved her and married her anyways. We moved back down and lived on campus at the college. We met some other students who lived in the same campus apartments, and we'd have poker night once a week with them. One night my wife and I were getting ready for sex, she had to use the bathroom and left her phone on the pillow. A text came in and I saw it was one of the guys we played poker with. They had been sending text messages back and forth about giving each other oral and other sexual things. Soon as she came out of the bathroom I asked her what was going on. She tried stealing the phone out of my hands in desperation, but I was too quick. Then she started crying and said he was really charming. I didn't get it. After a few days she said nothing ever came of them, just the texting. Then she told me she felt terrible for what happened before, and that she actually had sex with the first guy she cheated on me with. For about a month I couldn't look at her. Eventually I came around and forgave her. Life together went pretty well. Every now and then we'd get drunk at a friends and I'd flip. We'd argue and I'd always bring up her cheating on me, she'd cry and say she was sorry, then we'd make up.
A few years later (about two months ago) she went out with her cousins fiance and a girlfriend. They went out for drinks, came back to their house, and drank some more. I got a text message at 2am from my wife telling me I'm not gonna believe what happened to her. She got home the next day and proceeded to tell me she had sex with her cousin's fiance's girlffriend. I knew she meant it to be kinky and that she told me because my wife and I have gotten drunk and actually talked about having a threesome with another girl in bed. It just never happened, which is fine by me. After hearing this I didn't know what to think. Sure it was sexy, but I still felt as though she just cheated on me again.
Nowadays it seems like I'm always angry. There's plenty of times when I'm with her that I'm genuinely happy, but when I'm alone I just can't help but feel wronged. There's times when I wonder what would've happened had I called our wedding off after she cheated on me that first time. Ivs found myself on looking at that bastards facebook page, seeing him now happily married with a child, and I just wish I would've met with him somewhere and made him bleed for what he did to my relationship. I'd have no problem kicking his ass and then some. I know my wife probably feels the same about my former porn addiction.
I don't know if I can keep this bundled up anymore. How do I talk to her about this? How do I rid myself of these thoughts and anger that just stirs up out of what seems like nowhere? I don't know how many more times I can say "I'm fine" when she asks and knows that somethings up because I'm being short with her and acting like she's a problem.