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Stumbling to death?

I cheated on my husband

Friday, July 28, 2017 3:58 PM by Guest Rating: +18|-10

> My husband asked me to write our story to see
> what some other opinions about it might be, what others
> might do. The story, like other stories about cheating, must
> begin at the beginning of the marriage itself. I was 15 when
> I met my husband, who was 18. We met because he asked his
> sister to invite a friend over to give him some booty.
> Turned out to be me. I swore up and down I would not sleep
> with him. But I did. For over six hours. We bonded during
> that of course and I did not leave his side after that
> except for school hours. My mom did not like it at all, but
> had already made the mistake of letting me go unsupervised
> and having bad friends and so I was a wild child and
> basically uncontrollable. She ended up calling me in as a
> runaway many times, which my husband still has on his record
> and we always joke about how he married a runaway. He
> proposed to me after a year and in another year we were
> pregnant with our first child. Lots of sweet details, but
> I'll just get to the basics that are relevant. I first left
> the specialness of our relationship when he went to jail. It
> was before we married and I was desperately trying to raise
> money for his bail. His sister and mom were also, pawning
> things, borrowing money and everything we could think of. I
> tried to sell a bag of coke for my neighbor to get some
> money. I'm not the best salesperson. So he said if I slept
> with him he'd pay me $100. I was so young and stupid and
> wanted my guy back so bad, so I did it. Very shameful and
> disgusting, but I thought it would be worth it. I didn't
> tell him when he got out. Later he showed me a picture he
> drew in jail of a black man fucking me from behind from a
> dream he had. Needless to say it was exactly what happened
> and I confessed. It was very hard for him, but he held me
> and told me it was ok after venting his anger. He'd rather
> have stayed in jail for years then for that to have
> happened. We went on to get married and pregnant and moved
> out into our own place. We struggled, but love was all we
> needed. I ended up cheating on him with 5 different guys
> over the course of the next 3 years. It wasn't that I was
> unhappy with him, I just had no understanding of the
> seriousness of what I had done. I was a very damaged girl by
> the time he had met me, despite being so young. Daddy
> issues. Many older men had taken advantage of me and I had
> not even processed that til maybe 5-6 years after we had
> been married. I won't go into all the details of the
> 'affairs'. We met the LORD in a very serious and deep way.
> He saved us, me especially. Completely outside the context
> of church or religion. The Holy Spirit showed me I had to
> tell him everything I had done against our marriage. It was
> very difficult. He is a strong man, and very very loving.
> Somehow, with the grace of God we were able to move on and
> actually build a strong, healthy, proper marriage. I
> embraced my role as wife and mother. We had another child.
> God led us to move across the country to West Virginia. It's
> amazing the way God works when you submit to Him. Our whole
> life was completely given to Him and He used us mightily in
> so many ways. We had a daughter. Chapter 2: That was all
> back story. A family that God was using us to witness to had
> a nephew living with them. I had been given by the Holy
> Spirit a guard for my heart. I never ever became friends
> with any man. No hugging men, no texting men. I did not even
> shake hands with men at church. May seem extreme, but it was
> the best thing I have even been led to do. I wasn't
> interested any man ever coming close to me again other than
> my husband. Perhaps making up for all the specialness I had
> given away that should belong only to a husband in a perfect
> world. It helped build our trust back, restored, renewed. We
> both regretted not being able to be each others firsts. It
> made our relations so special, private, unique. Really
> turned a fire on and our sex life was healthy and loving and
> consistent. I don't show my hair in public either, which
> enhances sex also. He is the person who made me into a
> woman. He is my covering, my protector, my husband. I was a
> queen, honored and cherished wife. Something about a person
> seeing the best in you really helps to bring it out. I
> became a wonderful woman. I took care of everything and
> learned so much about caring for my family, treating them
> naturally instead of pharmaceutically. Light, love, trust,
> happiness, purity, wholeness, joy, an ability to help anyone
> who asked almost ever. I taught children's classes three
> times a week on top of homeschooling. And a weekly cleaning
> job which i could take the children to. I was experiencing
> something i never had before. Respect from men, an awe and
> respect when they saw me instead of that certain attention
> that men always had for me before. Everything happened at
> such a strange coincidence next. A nephew, like i said. I
> always took my friend wherever she asked, had her over for
> dinner, gave her money for electric bill and she listened to
> me tell about God's power in our life. Her bf yelled once in
> front of us about her unfaithfulness in vulgar words you can
> imagine. We went to change our babies diapers, which were
> the same age cuz we were pregnant at the same time and i
> told her so quickly "it's ok, i know what that's like, I've
> been there before and done those things." Which was shocking
> and unbelievable to anyone who knew me there and then. I was
> very modest and godly. And i asked her if she had been
> abused and she had. God saved me from that. I once gave a
> ride to that nephew. We talked and i felt this intense pain
> that was so familiar to me. I wanted so badly to reach out
> and share my healing with him. I gave him my number to call
> me when he was done to get picked up. I didn't realize it or
> write my name on it or think about it again. I started
> praying for him. Never saw him or anything. I didn't hang
> out with my friend  because i was so very busy and we
> lived different lifestyles. I cried for him once while
> praying intensely. Somehow i believe that formed a bond in
> the spirit. He texted me weeks later to ask whose number it
> was that he found in his wallet. I really was so joyful to
> think God had opened this line of communication. I texted
> with him, but he said it had to be a secret because of his
> reputation with my friend and her bf, and because his
> situation was precarious as it was with them. I told him i
> didn't keep secrets and my husband would know, but i
> wouldn't tell his people. Once i came over and said loudly
> in front of his uncle "Remember when i gave you my number to
> pick you back up? Text me sometime and I'll send you such
> and such YouTube video about the giants and the bible". Then
> at least it wouldn't be a secret. Unfortunately, the uncle
> was playing video games and didn't hear. Secrets are bad for
> me, for any child of God. Which i am in a way ashamed of
> saying. Because of what comes next. I became divided in my
> heart. I texted with this"boy" every day for awhile. I told
> him why i do not become friends with men(my history) and i
> told him my testimony. We texted good morning and good night
> every day. Once when i came over i got to sit with him and
> see him, which i never did before because he had always been in
> his room during my short visits. Apparently i "looked" at
> him in a special way. Which maybe i did because i was thrilled in
> the most innocent way to be able to connect more. However, I didnt mean anything inappropriate by it. I love all
> people because they are created by God. I really showed that
> in my life and practiced loving people on a high level. I
> loved him. I shouldn't have texted with a man because i had
> that guard over my heart for a good reason. He noticed my
> look to me almost immediately after i left. Said "what did i
> get myself into, what are you going after?" Apparently i
> looked at him like a girlfriend would. I didn't mean to, I
> didn't realize it. I showed my husband the text messages
> when he got home and we talked about it. He told me the guy
> was probably wanting that and trying to make me think that.
> The text messages showed he was shocked that I would tell my
> husband I "looked" at another man. I texted that he knew my
> heart and I could never hide anything from him. He said he'd
> never do it and is not a home wrecker and if I had been
> trying to move on him he would have felt like telling my
> husband himself. Probably because he was afraid he really
> would see them. After showing my husband I wasn't sure if I
> should continue taking to him. Something wicked happened in
> me that night. I chose to keep taking to him despite my
> tugging in my heart that Knew better. I kept talking to him
> and in fact became intrigued with him. Started to be more
> playful and funny instead of just loving and trying to
> witness as the opportunities came. I began to delete certain
> messages and I responded to his hinting of sexual
> frustration with questions. Questions that were none of my
> business. And when it came up that maybe my husband wouldn't
> like us talking about that we swore to secrecy. He said he
> wouldn't pursue me, and he would only respond to my
> questions. And he would never touch me(not that we would
> ever ever have a chance to between my kids and his
> situation). We weren't even really taking dirty to each
> other at that point, just talking about inappropriate
> things. It slowly grew into more inappropriate and I was
> soon deleting most of the messages, leaving only a few
> innocent ones to carry the pretense of friendship. I got
> distracted to say the least.  Distracted from my duties
> and role of mother, teacher, and wife. My sex life with my
> husband was still wonderful, I didn't feel lacking. I did
> feel lonely at times and hadn't realized it because of my
> husband working and the way life can become a grind. I was
> stuck in a routine rut. I can see so many things now that
> built up to this. I was responsible for so many things and
> people and I didn't take time for myself. I was pregnant
> again also. I didn't realize the pressure I was feeling. Not
> justifying my actions, just reflecting on what possibly
> could have led to such an extreme as adultery. I got to the
> point of meeting him at his work and we had sex in my car. I
> had sex with him again about a week later when my friend
> asked me to help her take her boys to school because they
> missed the bus and they're wasn't enough room in the car for
> all our kids, so I waited at the house and my kids played
> outside. We had not planned that. He pretty much stopped
> texting me after that day. I had gotten to this point over
> time and wearing away of the guard that was on my heart. I
> wanted to reach out and love this person with godly love,
> but it turned into lust and I disregarded my moral compass.
> My heart deceived me, it is deceitful above all things. Thus
> the pain I felt when he cut it off so abruptly. I was
> devastated, crushed, hurt. Then the guilt in top of that. I
> betrayed the one person who gave me dignity. I betrayed my
> children. I betrayed my king. I am a fallen woman. The
> consequences of my stumbling are still playing out, the
> crumbling bricks of the family and home we built still
> tumbling. I told my husband. I was waiting to tell him,
> looking for a good time and opportunity. There never is a
> good time for that. I looked on the internet for how to
> tell. Wait til you have time, do out in absolute privacy,
> ect. He rhetorically asked me "when's the last time either
> of us went outside our relationship for that (sex)?" I broke
> down right there and told him, we were alone at home in the
> evening. Kids in bed. He knew who it was of course before
> the name even left my lips. We have been suffering the
> consequences. He has obviously suffered alot from me
> breaking his heart again, and we are realizing that we never
> addressed these things before, we buried them under the
> foundation of our "new" marriage since meeting the LORD. Our
> life is falling apart, people who looked up to us don't know
> what to think. He may divorce me, but is very unsure. I told
> him I will follow him in whatever decision he makes. I
> stumbled and have not made this into my lifestyle. We lost
> his job, have taken on 6 family members into our 2 bedroom
> while they look for a place here in WV. They moved from CO
> because of us, to be with us because we are so strong and
> godly and stable. I ruined a lot. Let alot of people down.
> It hurts way more than I ever thought I could bear. I
> confessed to the pastors wife at the church I was teaching
> at and have resigned there and at the co op I was teaching
> at. Many people know this time, and before we buried it all
> and no one knew. Now everyone knows because I can't bear the
> deceit to people who believed how godly I was. It's almost
> like the devil is laughing that I never really changed. But
> I know I did because  I am not the same person. I can't
> keep in that sin. I don't know how I could do it. The only
> thing that ever freed me before was compete honesty and
> that's a thing you cannot fake. I got scabies, poison ivy,
> razor burn all at the same time. Consequences. He said I should go to CO
> for awhile to help the family that moved with us to drive in
> and give us a break and time to think. My punishment is so
> great. So heavy and I know I deserve it. He cannot be close
> to me right now, which I understand. But we haven't been
> apart since we began and I feel like a child alone and
> scared and really really wish I had a time machine. My baby
> is due soon. I don't know how to keep our family together
> when I was the foolish woman who tore it apart with her very
> own hands. He isn't sure if we should continue being married
> since this is the one thing the bible excuses divorce for.
> It's awful for both of us. The aftermath is devastating.
> Lost everything (maybe) for nothing. Not only did I not
> witness to this boy, I showed him the opposite of God. I
> demonstrated the power of sin, not the power of holiness and
> righteousness. So now if he burns in hell, it's possibly
> because I was a hypocrite. I've become the worst thing:
> adulteress. And our beautiful marriage will be over. The
> work we were doing for the LORD will be over. Everything
> beautiful and redeeming about our story is smashed. Our
> children.... Will be broken. I didn't think through how very
> shattered everything would become when I selfishly pursued
> my own lust with another lost and hurting person. I wanted
> to heal him and make him feel better, but only God can do
> that. Not a woman. And I have no power to heal my own
> husband because I am the one who hurt him. I have tried so
> hard to be the perfect wife and love him and respond to his
> every need. To make up for the wrong I did before. To
> perfect my skills at everything in the house, and to grow
> and love our children. To become valuable as a woman, an
> asset, a jewel. I have broken my crown and came tumbling
> down. No way to recover. He doesn't know what to do because
> he never wanted to experience this again, and he also sees
> the value in our family. He loves me so much that he is more
> hurt by me being gone than by what I did. It's really hard
> for him to make a decision. So I'm just being patient, even
> though it's awful to wait and expect a divorce or an effort
> to rebuild. With the family living with us, and our rented
> home about to be sold to someone else, and his job closing,
> and the  house we bought that needs a lot of work to be
> livable, there is to much going on for us to be able to
> reasonably split. So maybe he will divorce me at tax season
> when he has enough money. Until then I will try to be
> valuable and serve him in any way I can right now. Focus
> again on my children and my home. Try to heal the brokenness
> in my heart and fix whatever led to that terrible judgement
> call. I will never let the guard on my heart down again.
> Even if he divorces me. I don't want that life ever again
> that I lived before. I know I am still a child of God, thus
> all the chastisement in my body. A righteous man stumbles
> seven time but each time gets back up. I hope somehow our
> story can be used by Him, although I don't see how right
> now. So here we hang in the balance of time, the decision
> resting on his shoulders and so many lives waiting on
> it.

 

Thank you for voting.

Comments

Saturday, August 26, 2017 12:38 AM
Guest

In your story I count an enormous amount of sentences starting with I. I think you are a rather selfish person thinking the whole world only revolves around you. It is all about you isn't it. You have cheated on your husband no less than 7 times. This makes me think that you have issues. How on earth can you ask your husband to trust you when you have betrayed his trust seven times. If I were your husband I would not put up with this. He deserves better. About your story, lady you are full of it.

 
Tuesday, September 5, 2017 12:16 AM
Guest

I would drop your ass like a bad penny. You have proven time and again you can not be trusted. There should be no 8th fucking chance for you. you shouldnt even have gotten the second chance you were given. Despite all you bullshit godliness your a cheap slut. To your husband; drop this bitch and stop being such a pathetic cuck, she will never be faithful she has proven that, you cant trust her she has proven that, she doesnt love you she has proven that too. 

 
Thursday, September 7, 2017 7:58 AM
Guest

testing

 
Thursday, September 7, 2017 8:14 AM
Guest

Hi, I read your story last night and have thought about it often today.  I feel for you, and please feel free to dismiss my comments if you don't feel that they apply.

You are a wonderful person, and obviously you want to do the right thing.  You've fallen, and it hurts.  We all have, and it is supposed to hurt.  So many of us find ways to avoid the pain that is necessary for healing to begin, that it never does.  The very fact that you feel pain--I think--indicates that you sincerely value what's right.

Next: You care about your Lord--you mention him many times.  Recall his purpose--which is precisely for moments like these.  True faith is to give yourself to him--and you have tried.  Perhaps truer still is to sincerely believe him--that his atonement was for you too.  For this moment.  You've fallen and will fall again--still he will forgive you.  Follow his lead and forgive yourself!

I hope you and your husband find a way to heal.  If you both choose to do so, I'm certain your relationship can grow to become even stronger than before.  If not, sadly he will lose a partner that cares so much about her marriage that she is willing to humble herself during the hardest times and seek forgiveness rather than grow bitter.

I apologize if I'm way off base.  I don't know you from Adam, my understanding is only obscure, and my words can't possibly be a salve.  But a salve exists, and is well within your grasp.  You were built to be happy!

 

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