About three years ago, my boyfriend and I started to hit a rough patch. We were working minimum wage jobs and barely scraping by. We lived with his dad at the time due to us not being able to afford a place of our own. I finally applied for a better job that eventually hired me a month later. I was making much better money, and I felt that things were starting to look up. He did not like his current job, which was at a gas station, and the stress from his job started to cause arguments. We started to fight over nothing, and the stress from his dad and job effected us as a couple. Things were getting rough. 

We moved out of that old apartment, and into a town home with his dad to help his health. I was making much better money and my boyfriend was still at the gas station. The stress became too much and he eventually quit. I told him that I would be able to handle everything financially while he looked for a better job. I was doing fine handling the bills. As time went on, he started to hang out at home. He was looking for jobs and applying, but he wasn't getting hired. I started working more and more to support us. He started to become distant from me. I was never home because of work, and he was becoming frustrated because of the zero responses he was getting from potential jobs. He started blaming me for everything that had been going on. I tried to push him to go to school, to help him find jobs. Every time ended in an argument. He became so mean. I loved him with all my heart. I was so hurt that he wasn't here for me. When I needed him the most, he wasn't there. I needed his support emotionally. I needed him to be here for me, and he chose not to. When we made plans for a date or just to get out together, he would make plans with our friends instead. Almost every time. I felt like I wasn't enough. I felt like I was nothing. I thought I lost my other half. I realize I lost my worth completely.

I had become good friends with one of my co-workers. We had many conversations about almost anything. He was there when I needed someone to talk to. He had been a great friend to me. Everything was so refreshing. We went for a hike one day and everything was fine. We talked and just enjoyed each other's company. I invited my boyfriend to go with us, but he declined and stayed home with a couple friends. When my friend dropped me off at home, he gave me a hug that lasted just a bit too long. I said good bye and that was it. Over time he and I grew closer. The tension at home became worse, and I felt like I needed to vent. He drove me home one night and I cried and told him everything going on. He kissed me and I pushed back. I told him that I couldn't do it, but he kissed me again. I never wanted to, but I found myself kissing him back. I felt that warmth that I was looking for in my boyfriend that had been missing. 

Fast forward to a few months later. My co-worker and I started dating. We were getting along so great and even when I tried to end things, I would come home and my boyfriend wouldnt want me around. That pain was so unbearable. I lied to him and told him that I was going to a resort with a few girlfriends when in truth I was going with the other man. We went to that resort and only spent one night. I was going to end things there, and I felt that it was best to get away from everyone and everything that distracted us. I talked with the other man and let him know that I loved my boyfriend and wanted to work things out. He drove me home the next day only to find out that my boyfriend found out and followed us to that resort. I let him know that I was ending things and that I was coming home early regardless if he followed me or not. I told him that I wanted to work things out with him.

We picked up the pieces and he forgave me. Though it took some time, he had agreed to work things out. I stayed with my dad for two weeks to give us time to think. I didn't talk to this other man for almost a month. We worked together, and avoiding each other was hard. So, to end the tension, I wanted to talk to him. We went for dinner and I tried to explain what was going on. I developed feelings for him too, and it was difficult to permanently part ways because we had been so close before. It took me almost nine months to finally end it. I even transferred departments because that situation was getting to be difficult. Nothing had happened since the first time my boyfriend found out. However, I was telling this other man that I loved him too. My boyfriend went through my messages and found messages that were exchanged back and forth between this man and i. Though I did not physically cheat on him again, it was the fact that I was still talking to this other man. I wanted nothing more than to work things out with my boyfriend. He kicked me out of our town home and now I am back at my dad's house. I miss him every day he isn't with me. It kills me knowing I caused so much pain. I am so hurt from everything I worked so hard to build for us. I feel like it was all ripped from me... i know i deserve it. That doesnt lessen the pain i feel... We are currently working things out. I know that cheating is cheating, no matter what form it is. I live him so much and I invested almost six year of my life into this relationship. I want it more than anything. I guess I am here to vent, and hopefully help those who feel that they are alone just like I do. I am also looking for advise.