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"The Ripple Effect, From Both Our Guilts, Just Causes Pain"

I cheated on my wife

Thursday, April 28, 2016 2:40 AM by Guest Rating: +1|-5

Writing this story is not an easy thing to do, but to me, I just want to let it all out.  Right now, I don't know what to think.  I feel shocked and paralyzed, I feel betrayed and heartbroken, but I am a forgiving person, as well.  I was once married, to one of the most beautiful, caring, loving, and very athletic woman for the past 10 years. Saying to her, "I love you so much, and I forgive you from the bottom of my heart.  Please, I forgive you"!  Now you know why, it's so hard to write, something like this on the internet.  "You" were my heart and my soul and I would have done anything for her, and she knew this.  I got manipulated somehow to cheat on "you".  Now, I don't know why I would say that.  It sounds stupid, because I never thought that could happen.  I know, it was wrong but I can't go back and change (crying hard right now), on how I felt that day I cheated, but also I was told that same day, that she has been cheating on me for the last couple of years. Whether this is true or not, it still doesn't excuse, what I did, I cheated on "you".  My friend, she told me, "listen, your girlfriend, she has been cheating on you, for the past 4 years, but with a friend of yours.  Listen, she has been cheating on you, and it sounds like she don't care. She don't care about your feelings at all, right now".  So my friend, she ended up leaning toward me and we end up kissing, kissing for a very long time, but then, I started thinking twice and I told her, that I couldn't do this!  I couldn't do this until I found out the truth.  I wanted her, my girl friend to tell me, to open up and just say it.  I know that was selfish of me, but she never did.  A big part of me was afraid to tell her the truth, about my cheating on "you".  But I'd rather find out the truth from my girl friend, rather then hearing it from someone else, like a close friend. Well, still that same day, my friend lean in again, so another long kiss took place.  I wanted it to stop.  I did, I thought twice once again and did stopped in fact. Even though we stopped, I still, still, felt so guilty cuz of this long comfortable kiss. I felt comfortable, Why?  but then, I did it again,  I cheated on "you".  I kept thinkinh and saying to myself, "why didn't you stop her (my friend), during that second kiss"?  I don't know, I didn't have an answer, "I just knew that I cheated on you".  I was a mess, but I was finally done!  I couldn't do it no more!  I don't know what to think or feel (feeling so Heartbroken), during that moment with my friend.  I asked her nicely to leave, she started feeling bad, so she did. I noticed that she felt really bad, but she cared about me, which was nice.  She did turn back around once to say to me (she really felt sad) but still kept saying to me, "are you sure, you want me to leave, I could stay and I promise that i won't try to kiss you no more".  I had to have her leave, so she did.  Still to this day, we're not friends no more. "I cheated on you, and I want to tell you so bad, but didn't want to break your heart"!  I just didn't want to have contact with her (my friend), anymore, which was my decision to do.  I lost my loyalty, which ment so much to me.  Lost my loyalty and really, I didn't know if I would get it back from my girl friend if I confessed.  I was so scared, but loved "you".  How selfish of me.  I still have so much of this guilt hanging from my back. This guilt in me, it's been driving me nuts, it's  hurting me so much, eating me up, especially over these past years without "you".  My intentions were never to do something like that, but I did.  I cheated on her, but with those kisses only, and I felt so guilty.  I wanted to tell "you", so many, so many times, but I couldn't.  I didn't want to break "your" heart. I was so in love with her, I was, I loved her from the bottom of my heart.  So I thought at that time, it was best to not say anything to "you".  I know, I know, that was so selfish of me. But then, come to find out, "you" have been cheating for the past several years. My friend, she was correct, but still didn't excuse, what I did as well, to her.  So she has been cheating for several years.  "You" was having an affair (my heart broke), with another married man, but she didn't want to confessed either.  It seem like to me, "you" didn't want to break my heart either.  I know "you" loved me, and probably still do.  but I don't think I'll ever get the chance to find out again.  I know.  Why didn't we just opened up? About our guilt? Both of our guilts were eating both of us up, BAD!  It was driving both of us crazy.  Both of us mad at each other, all the time.  Why couldn't we tell each other? Why people do this to each other?  We had to separate and it was one of the hardest things we had to do, but I took it the worse.  I messed up, I should of  said something before it got that far.  For us separate? for us to leave each other?  but "you" could have done the same, if she love me, right? But "you" didn't and I didn't either. I'm so sorry that we had to separate, but it was for the best.  I'm so sorry  especially, being together so long and not fighting to get "you" back, but it was for the best.  Then it became a mess, we had to separate, it was horrible. The separation just took a toll on me, I pretty much hit rock bottom, to the lowest.... of the lowest (so, so horrible)...  but I want "you" to know that no matter what, I forgive her,  "I forgive you" and whatever she's doing now in life,  I wish "you" good luck. Don't worry,  everything will turn out alright, in the end. 

Please, always, always remember this, if by chance "you" ever run into me, in the future, do not be afraid of me, or whoever's around me at the time.  Please, this is coming straight from my heart (which is hurting for "you"), never, never ever be afraid to come up to me, even if it's just to say, "hello".  Even if it's just for a quick, "hand wave" which I know means a silly "hello" from "you".  if she ever decides to call or text me again, please think twice.  for the only reason is because "you" know it's taking me a long time, a long time to heal from this separation of ours. So please, please keep that in consideration if "you" do  ever decide to finally, text or call me again.  Please, please on a serious but sad note, always keep in mind that if, "you" ever do decide to place that call or text, I would be one happy camper! It's not like I wouldn't answer or even delay on returning your text, Why? it's simple because "you"probably know I would. Know that, I "will" be one scared puppy, on that other end of the phone.  that's just letting "you" know, that you just made my day, like those times in the past.  I would be one happy fellow, that's for sure.  I hope one day, "you" forgive me because I cheated on "you" and I want this guilt, to really, really (this pain), to really go away!

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