I want to start off by saying that I am not looking for pity or for others to help me. I have moved past this and it no longer hurts me, however the insecurities remain. I am hoping that sharing this story will help others, and that it will help me to move past my insecurities. With that out of the way, I feel I should also state that I have been cheated on many times, and now it is hard to trust anyone I date. I am a 20 year old male, and I have become a jealous person who feels this pestering need to know what my other is doing. I have been single for the over two years, but before that I was cheated quite a bit. I never had much self confidence and had difficulty finding women I liked, because of this, I found myself attracted to long distance dating. It never really worked out though, one ex who I wasn't too close to, luckily, cheated on me and then swore up and down that it wasn't her fault, that it was only because she had been cheated on. The big one was this one girl, she lived an hour away by car, we both lived in small towns, so it's not like there is any other way but by car. Keep in mind I was young at the time and didn't have a driver's license. Her name was Allison, I really felt like I loved her. We only dated a couple months, but I guess I was a real sucker back then. We had met through a friend of mine who had introduced us, he was dating her friend. We hit it off fast, looking back at it I should have seen many warning signs that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship, but then hindsight is 20/20 and all, plus I am just really cynical now. I feel like this is irrelevant, but I was, and still am, a virgin. We met a few times and kissed and held hands, but it was difficult getting there since neither of us could drive. So mostly we just texted, we traded dirty pictures and talked, it felt amazing, thinking back on it I realize I was really just yearning for someone to trust (I had a lot of family issues going on). To make a long story short, she started seeing another man, had sex with him too. Remember that friend I mentioned? No, he wasn't the one who fucked her :P. He and his girlfriend (her friend) were in the same boat we were in, it was hard to see the other person because of the distance and not being old enough to drive. Her friend found out that she wanted to leave me, and convinced her to stay with me so that our friends could meet up on valentine's day as I had planned to go there to be with my girlfriend. I ended up realizing things were going down when she texted me and said something like "we can be together on Valentine's day, but we cant show that we are dating, and there will be another guy hanging out with us." Yeah, you're probably thinking 'wtf?'. After a little prodding, I got her to tell the truth, and ended up being heartbroken on Valentine's day, to make it worse, she dumped me so she could be with the other guy. I've had trust issues for a long time as a result, they are slowly getting better, but it is still an issue for me. I read stories online and if there is a couple involved and issues with the relationship, my first assumption is cheating. my friend has issues with his/her relationship? I immediately assume the other is cheating. I am willing to admit that I am a loser, a typical gaming nerd (though I think I am attractive), so to curb some of my loneliness, I occassionally do roleplays. Messaging one or more people online and we use text paragraphs to make it seem like we are in a relationship. it's stupid, I know. In one of these roleplays, I ended up getting cheating on, my reaction made me realize how fucked up I am. I started feeling really hot, my heart was beating so fast and hard, and then my hole body started shaking, it was like an anxiety attack, all over a bunch of text online. I want to find someone to love, though I am in no rush, but I am worried about how I will act. If my girlfriend stays out too late, will I think she is cheating? Will I demand she show me all her texts, like some kind of psycho? The thought of getting cheated on again terrifies me, even just typing this brings me close to tears as I imagine someone cheating on me again. It's fucked up and it terrifies me, I just want to be able to trust. I know that not everyone cheats, but it's an insecurity of mine, and it causes other insecurities, like for a while I thought it was my fault I always got cheated on, like I was too ugly and would need to make a lot of money in order to keep any woman. Recently I was looking into what career I want to go into, as I am thinking about post secondary school (after I finished highschool I just started working at a fast food place and haven't done much else.), and these insecurities popped up again, I began thinking if I didn't decide to do something that payed very well, I wouldn't be able to get a girlfriend. When I realized it, it scared me. I thought I was past a lot of these insecutrities, but they still haunt me. I feel like I have no one to talk to about anything, because I have issues trusting people, so I am constantly pushing others away, which is why I am writing this. It's anonymous and lets me get my feelings out without worry of people judging me. I just want to move forward, I'd get a counselor, but with working full time and all, I just cant see myself having the time. My insecurities and fears feel like chains that are holding me underwater, where no one can hear me scream for help. I've tried for so long to get them off, but I kind of feel like I will never get them off alone, like I need someone to notice and help me. I remember when I was younger, I would hint at suicide to my friends and family to see if anyone noticed, if anyone tried to help me. Telling the truth of how I felt was out of the question, even today it is a struggle, but back then it was impossible. I wanted someone to understand me and help me, without me letting them in. Anyways, I have probably ranted more than enough, and I am sure that I will get comments telling me to man up and not be a bitch. Regardless, I'd like to thank anyone who read my pitiful story through to the end.