One year to the day that I lost my mom, I wanted to take one of the saddest days of my life and just add one good thing to it. I am married 25 years to a man who stopped the world the first time I saw him. I was and always will be very in love with him. I had spent some time living in NY and made a few good friends in the music business, one of who went on to achieve great success on Broadway and film. 30 years ago watching the band play was so much fun. It just so happened he was doing a show and I asked my husband, and my girlfriend if they would go see him with me. I booked a suite, and though I had told my friend to bring someone along, she didn't. The suite was nothing but a room with a tiny couch. We started with dinner and drinks and I am saying that I drank vodka, while they enjoyed their whiskey. By the time we got to the show we were already feeling great, and as I walked in the door my old friend rushed over and hugged me and put us at a table right in front of him. I was so happy and surprised he even remembered me. And it was just like being 20 again! I was so happy! I was singing and clapping and laughing! Just thrilled. When my husband went up to the bar for more drinks my friend leaned over and said "you need to stop flirting with him right now, and pay attention to your husband, how could you bring him here?" I looked at her like she was crazy and told her I was in no way flirting. I should have known then but I was still too stupid. My husband sat in the middle of us with his back to me for the rest of the night you know what, I felt happy for the first time in a very long time and I was not going to let them spoil it. Near the end of the show I leaned over to ask my friend a question about playing in an old place, and he said "were we making out then?" And I reminded him that we never made out that I was close to his old girlfriend. Well my husband heard him ask that question and went into a fit of jealous rage, I just was so embarrassed and it was so uncalled for. But as we walked back to the suite and my joy had been stolen away, they both were yelling at me. I fought back, but when we got into the room I went directly into the bed and laid down. I heard my husband tell my friend to go in and sleep with me he was sleeping out on the couch. She did, I told her I thought it was totally wrong of her to put my husband before me, and just then the door opens and there is my husband smiling with a blanket wrapped around him, like nothing happened. Right then I knew what was happening and I said it, look, he thinks he is going to have sex with both of us, and his reply was, why not I have two beautiful women in here? Then he and my friend started talking about ambien sex and he plopped down in between us on the bed. I shook my head and turned and faced the wall and turned off the light. A minute later he was reaching around me touching me and I said stop it, I am not doing this. He stopped and another minute he was doing it again. I told him again I was not doing this. The third time I said why not go do ...and an excited little noise came out of his mouth and he turned over so fast I was in shock. She resisted at first and he said no it us ok she said we could, now what happens next most people won't understand and will chastise me for. I was in such shock I rolled over and started feeling around in the middle of them to see what they were doing, I just couldn't even comprehend it was happening. I laid behind my husband pressed up to him and he reached around for me, I tried to touch him but I couldn't so I laid back down. Then he stopped whatever he was doing with her and started to approach me, I guided him back to her as there was no way I was going to share sex or have sex with another woman. So he rolled back facing her and now everyone is wondering why I am not screaming or running out the door saying f both of you. 25 years is a long time, kids, one disabled, that would have been a permanent ending right then. I was not going to do that then. Anyway I reached around once more to see if I could tell what they were doing, and I felt her breast, and I felt sick to my stomach. Somehow I was now pinned under my husbands shoulder and laid there as they brought each other to climax using their hands on each other, I listened to their means of pleasure. Which still wake me in nightmares: I once again turned to face the wall, and I guess after I fell asleep I felt my husband put his arm around me again, now I am not sure whether it was to thank me, or ask for more but I shot out of the bed and he followed asking what was wrong. I told him what a scum I thought he was and told him to go back into the room with the woman he just had to have. And when he started to say no I told him I would destroy everything in that room if he did not. He did and I laid on that little couch. She came out to use the bathroom and asked why I was out there, can't sleep I told her, as she went back into the room with my husband. On the ride home not one word, no one said one thing about what had happened, and after we dropped her off he pulled to the side of the road asking me what he did? That I told him to, he said you were right there, I was doing it to. I nearly lost my mind, I had never felt pain like that before . I had been manipulated, and used. Then blamed. And told that I Needed to forgive myself. Three consenting adults were all a part of it. And I just don't feel like that at all, I feel betrayed by him, the friend who I never spoke to again. I was told this needed to be forgotten and never talked about again. I think I had a nervous break down, there were many fights that followed. Then one day a few months after it happened I found her name in his search on his phone. I almost died. Then I really lost it, I learned about his phone and checked his location history. For a few months before that horrible night there were time stops at her house, and different places she worked. All denied, told I was crazy, same story, I was there, I told him to do it. Over and over and over, it got bad. I even bought a recorder and put it in his car, which like an idiot confessed to doing. She sent him e mails he never told her to stop. Everything now is that I am a crazy person who just can't let things go, he said her name in his sleep the other night, actually a few times now in a short period, this is now two years later. I typed her first name into his Google search and there iwas her name with a globe next to it, a few times for face book. When I asked him it turned into me never being at peace and always wanting and looking for ways to hurt him. In a month I am accompanying my disabled son on the other side of the country while he attends a program that will help him get a job, while he stays here alone . He refused to ever go talk to anyone about it, if I ask he gets enraged, he thinks my fears are well thought out plans to hurt him. Please help me, I feel so alone, and afraid. Am I crazy and cruel? I don't even know any more. Why won't he talk about it? Is it my fault? I don't trust him, can this ever be mended?