Sunday, June 5, 2016 11:02 PM by Guest
I cheated on my wife. I have loved and supported her for over 5 years at the expense of many things in my life. My wife is a survivor of childhood incestuous abuse. This fact has created unimaginable difficulties in our relationship. Trust, emotional and physical intimacy, you name it.. it has always been a tremendous struggle. But she's my love and life.. how do you connect and maintain a healthy marriage with someone who may not be able to give what you need? How do you live knowing that all your time and energy will always be used to help her with her struggles, while you remain in the dark without any reciprocal support? It's sad, it's infuriating, it's mind numbing. I was a very good husband, I always respected her need for physical space without getting pouty or mad. I always respected her for her devotion and conviction to her career. I was a stay at home husband for 2 years. I cleaned, cooked, organized and took care of our two dogs to maintain a stress free environment as best I could, but it was never enough. I could never give her back that feeling of trust and safety that was taken from her so many years ago. If all that wasn't hard enough, I also had to interact and build a father son relationship with the man that did these horrible things to my wife!!! I know what your thinking..how could you stomach having to sit and politely converse with a man who robbed your wife of her innocence? How can sit down to a meal and push out all the horrible stories and images from your mind? The answer is you just do. She forgave him, so what right did I have resenting him. It has nearly killed me. Our relationship had begun to weaken. Like a bleeding deer struggling to maintain its breath, as the life slowly flows out, one heartbeat at a time. I tried talking about my feelings, I tried talking about my insecurities. It was met with hostility and impatients. So I had no choice but to sink into a dark world of loneliness where I could bury my feelings without them being an inconvenience to anyone. I started a new job almost a year ago where I met a beautiful kind woman who for the first time in years made this old broken carnival ride spin and twirl like new again. She listened to me, she hugged me, she loved me. We had an instant connection unlike anything I've ever felt, but we were both married. We both were terrified at the thought of betraying our spouses. We could not hide our feelings for long, so we each left our partners to begin a life where we mattered. We decided to not be together for a while until we each healed from the separation, which I agreed to. Even though we were separated, my wife still lived with me because she could not afford her own place yet. I told her that I had developed feelings for this woman at work. I told her that this was not the only reason I left her, but it did play a part. It didn't matter.. I was still a cheater, I was still a lying jerk who viciously betrayed her. A slime ball just looking to get layed. To be completely honest, sex was the last thing on both our minds. We were attracted to each other, but we just needed a connection, a connection where our feelings and thoughts mattered. Regardless it has been nearly three months and I'm still loving and supporting my ex despite the intense level of emotional and sometimes physical abuse..hourly, daily, weekly. The woman I fell in love with went back to her husband because she couldn't afford to divorce him. We are no longer speaking cause she felt I was a horrible mistake that she will keep hidden the rest of her life. Sounds like an aweful way to live. I don't honestly know which is worse.. living a lie everyday? Or being punished everyday for needing love. I take responsibility for what I've done, but I will never apologize following my heart.