My husband of 17 years, is a professor at a local college, and I work as a PA. The "spark" in our marriage started dwindling, as the stress began to pile up from work, the in-laws, and managing our children. (Three beautiful girls, 11, 14, and 16.) I love them to death but sometimes they drive me to the brink of insanity. I felt overwelhmed. The sex in our marriage wasnt where it used to be, it used to be crazy hot kinky. now, sadly its just boring and feels forced. My husband is so busy with work and tutoring and hosting an engineering club for students, i didnt feel wanted. He used to comment on how lucky he was to have me, or how beautiful i was. I just wasnt feeling the affection. My sex drive was going crazy for about six months, yet he only had time for me once a day if i was lucky. I started lashing out at him. I felt as if i wasnt worth his attention anymore. I starting getting attention from one of my co-workers. Tall, handsome man, 34 with a hell of a body. He was married, with two kids. Our flirting started out playful, but the more and more he gave me attention the more it turned me on. The thrill of it was overwelhming. I knew where this was leading but it was becoming addictive. I knew it was wrong, but that was part of the rush. We ended up hooking up all the way, seven or eight times. sometimes at my house, or his, twice in a motel "visiting friends" downstate. each time we fucked, we fucked like animals. hours of fucking. I've never cum so much in my life. He ate me out until i was shaking. He really knew how to please me. I let him do anything he wanted to me. I swallowed his cum and begged him to cum inside me. which he always did. somehow it even tasted better than my husbands. I wanted to do everything i wasnt supposed to. I felt a rush breaking every rule i established. I let him do things i didnt let my husband do. It was so exciting! it was freeing and intoxicating. I gave him blowjobs during breaks at work, in the car after work. as often as i could.... and i enjoyed it. I told myself i loved it, and i needed it. but the truth was, it wasnt just my sex drive that was brining me to cheat on my loving husband. It was a misguided feeling of wrothlessness. Of becoming insecure in my age. Of feeling i was losing my sex appeal, some form of value. It wasnt sex drive that forced this, it was me. if it was my sex drive, toys wouldve fixed it. I was longing connection. a connection i feared i lost with my husband. I tricked myself into believeing this was what i needed. I told my co-worker we needed to stop, and we stopped fucking. but i still gave him blowjobs and swallowed his cum around the workplace. I felt guilty when everytime i went down on my husband i was dissapointed for his cum not tasting as good. I felt guilty when I we fucked i wished he would make me cum as much as my secret lover. It wasnt my husband. It was my sexual excitment at the cheat, the sneaking around, the bad thing that i knew what i was doing that made me cum so much. I did everything with this man, because i felt "If i cheat i might as well make the most of it" kinda thought process. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. I could of spiced up the bedroom with my husband. Instead I could still smell cum on my breath when i kissed my husband when i cam home. The guilt was driving me crazy. but i was too far in to stop. Finally another co-worker caught us. I begged him not to tell my husband, he told me that if i didnt, he would. He told the same to "Evan". Evan and the co-worker that caught us "Gabe" had a screaming fight in the parking lot, the cops were called. I ran home, knowing that if i didnt tell him. he would find out through someone else. I ran home sat him down and told him ive been having an affair. He asked how far it had gone. I lied. He pressured and pressured and i told him the extent of it, i told him everything. I thought the truth would be freeing, it wasnt for me at all, and it condemned my husband to hear it. He never cheated, he never so much as looked in another woman's direction and this is how i repayed him. The guilt came to a climax after seeing my husband react to the news. He listened to the story, tears forming in his eyes, at the end, he sat for a moment looking in my crying eyes, he got up and stumbled out of the living room. It was as if he couldnt walk briefly. seeing my husband, my bestfriend like this, made me sick to my stomach knowing was the fucking cause. I think he was in shock. I followed and and tried to comfort him, he simply pushed me away. He went into the bedroom and he stayed in there for a half hour or so. I waited with the worse feeling crying alone in the living room. The kids were sleeping, and he went it to go check on them, one by one. I watched crying as he ignored me and kissed the kids heads as they slept. He walked into the living room where i was, his face sullen. He sat down and looked me in the eyes. His eyes were red from his tears. His words that he spoke killed my soul. He looked at me and he said "I have loved you from the moment i met you, I loved you when i married you, I loved you as I made my vows, and I loved you as I kept them. I know I will love you until the day that I die. But I want you to know, I will no longer be your husband. I will never again be by your side. You have made it clear, other things are more important to you." after that he told me that he didnt want the kids knowing until the paperwork was finalized. The kids were beyond heartbroken. Court was a nightmare. I feel as if this is all my fault. It IS all my fault. It wasnt worth it. I died losing my husband. Its been eight months without him and i feel worse than ive ever felt in my life. He is a great father and was a caring husabnd but was getting caught up in work but was only working to be able to provide for our children.... I feel defeated in every sense of the word. He doesnt even bother to say anything to me. He ignores all my calls, my texts. my "how are you's". he just gives me a fake half smile when i tell him the kids had a good day, he only talks to them, they laugh together have fun. my two daughters now hate me. they know what i did. My youngest son doesnt really know the depth of it. I feel a million miles away from them. I cut myself out of my own life. I fucking cant stand it! i feel trapped by my own mistakes. my family was dissapointed in me, my father tried to be a good father and talk to me. I just cant stand everyone knowing my mistakes. The day i made my vows, i did it before my family, my closest friends and before God. I failed them all. That is what kills me the most. The guilt consumed me until my mistakes saw the light of day and consumed the rest of my life. I cannot forgive myself. I ruined my one earth bound life. It will never be the same. I threw it all away for some measly sex i could have had with my husband had I been honest and open about all my wants and insecurities.