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While Traveling for Work

I cheated on my husband

Friday, February 24, 2017 7:19 AM by Mich Rating: +123|-37

I'm not proud of what happened, but it happened. I was at a conference for work, I don't travel often and when I got back to the hotel I didn't know what to do. It was only 4:30 and I didn't want to watch TV all night. I didn't plan on meeting anyone but I did want to get out of the hotel room. I went to the hotel bar to sit at the table, read a bit and have a drink. There weren't many people there and I didn't expect to talk to anyone. That said, a man did come up to me and started a conversation. He was well dressed and maybe not traditionally good looking but he had a certain charm. He asked if he could sit, and I realized that we were flirting but it wasn't something I didn't think I could control. We talked and eventually agreed to have something to eat, we ordered some wine and had desert. We talked about all sorts of things, from home life and kids to work and whatever. He was a little older than me, probably in his mid 40s, I'm 39. I have been with my husband for 16 years and married 14 of those years. I never thought I would be unfaithful and it's not like men have never flirted with me before. I'm not sure exactly what was different this time, I know that the feeling he was giving me was more like I was a different and younger person. I do love my family and my husband, but this made me feel like I was free. After dinner he walked me to my room, I kept telling myself not to let him in. We got to the door and I told him I had a lovely evening but I was married and I couldn't. He didn't argue with words, he just gave me a look like he knew I was defeated here. Before long we were kissing and the kissing move inside the room. Soon we were on the bed and he was fucking me; fucking me really hard. The explosion of emotions are still hard for me to put into context. The taboo nature of the act was making my lust burn hotter. When it was done I felt so ashamed of myself. In the morning I got up to get dressed, I had lots of time before my flight but I did want to get out of there. I felt so corrupted and still do. I feel like I need to tell my husband but I can't bring myself to. I know that he has the right to know and then decide if he still wants me, but I am really just too afraid that he won't. Still I know he deserves the right to decide.

Thank you for voting.

Comments

Wednesday, March 1, 2017 6:24 AM
Jo

Do you have kid(s)?  That'll complicate the issue...

Let's talk about protecting yourself first: I take it you're having birth control?  And maybe you want to test any STI?

To tell or not to tell, it is a question.  I'm wondering though: in your opinion, how likely he will find out if you don't tell him?

 
Wednesday, March 1, 2017 8:41 PM
Guest

Well you need to first get checked for an STD. It sounds like this wasn't that guys first time doing this. He charmed his way into you, if you catch my drift.

 
Wednesday, March 1, 2017 11:27 PM
Guest

First of all, get checked for an STD ...

Never tell to your husband, it`s just one night stand, in a few time you forget, if you tell him, he will never forget

 
Friday, March 3, 2017 11:33 PM
Guest

You should tell him and be ready for really bad blowback. Its not fair to him to withhold this. As you said he sjould get to decide where your marriage goes from here. Wont lie i dont think i could forgive it myself but the chances are better that 8 could if i wasnt lied to or someone hid it. If they did and i found out there would be no chance at all. 

 
Sunday, March 5, 2017 7:14 AM
Mich

I have gone for both tests. I'm not that irressponsible. I was fine on both accounts, I know I got lucky.

I still don't know if I will say anything. I do have a lot of guilt though. I tend to agree that it's not fair to withhold it. But I can't seem to find the right words.

 
Sunday, March 5, 2017 7:17 AM
Mich

We do have kids and there is no way he would find out if I don't say anything.

 
Sunday, March 5, 2017 8:43 PM
Guest

Glad you got checked and nothing came up. Honesty is almost never easy, but it's the only way to make a relationship work in the long run. Things left unsaid and emotions unexpressed will inevitably bubble to the surface, and the longer it takes the more unpleasant it is to deal with them. Be strong, be true to your values, and put the truth out there. The bond between two people who genuinely care for one another is surprisingly fierce.a123

 
Monday, March 6, 2017 4:01 AM
Guest

Indeed it's such a difficult decision.  If you don't tell, it seems everything will be ok if nobody knows.  On the other hand though, even if he never finds out, your guilt might potentially harm the relationship, and still you risk the danger that in some way he or someone else finds out.  If that happens, the damage can be irreversable.  

If you do tell, the marriage might suffer.  On the other hand though, you're being honest, and no more secret (which is a huge relief).  But I'll strongly suggest you and your husband go to marriage counseling straight away.  This can be a big storm and you have to be well-prepared.

Also, I'm just thinking that the fact that you had this one night stand might indicate that your marriage already have some issues?  Should you and your husband work on the issues?

So now it's up to you to weigh all the options and choices.  What is your altimate goal?

No matter what you decide, hope all is well with you and your family.

 
Wednesday, March 8, 2017 4:45 AM
Mich

I guess I'm going to come clean. I couldn't go to work today because I felt like I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I don't think our marriage had any serious issues until this, I think I have some of my own with anxiety about aging but my husband has been supportive, which makes it even worse. I am very remorseful, I just hope that he understands that I'm sorry for what I did and couldn't be more. I keep reading these horrible things online that basically say, "if you were sorry you wouldn't have done it." How can anyone be sorry for something they didn't do?

I really don't know how I'm supposed to start so I suppose the worst part first. After that, I just don't know. Like how much I need to say. I doubt he will just let me off with just "it happened". The truth is that I don't even know why it happened or how to answer that when he asks. I've been trying to think of why and I'm not sure there is a good answer. I never thought I would be a cheater and even almost two weeks after it feels like it wasn't me on that bed even if I know it was.

I don't know what to say if he asks other stuff too. How much is full disclosure and at what point is it cruelty? Or is it worse if he doesn't ask anything? I'm not really looking for answers here more just putting my thoughts out there to organize some form of courage.

 
Wednesday, March 8, 2017 9:51 AM
Jo

My heart goes out to you.  I guess I know a little bit how you feel... like midlife crisis.  I sort of had that... luckily I didn't have the charm at all and the girl wasn't attracted to me in a million years.  Yes, it is wrong, but I understand it can be much tougher than it looks to resist the impulsivity.  Still, we have to bridle our passion.

May you have the courage to do what you think is right.  Again, if you do tell, you must go to marriage counseling together.  The questions you ask (how much disclosure) I believe your husband wouldn't know either.  You need a professional to help you both sort out the emotional impact.

Will you please keep us updated?  No matter what you do--tell or no tell, let us know how you're holding up.  Best wishes to you.

 
Wednesday, March 8, 2017 7:25 PM
Guest

How would you feel if your husband did the same. You do know why u did it. Only YOU KNOW WHY.  I mean come on drinks at a hotel bar LOL.  Telling the guy  im staying at this hotel, ALONE. He took the chance and you took it. Simple as that. You wanted to cheat the second he was in the room. Marriage doest mean shiiit if you CHEAT fucking PERIOD. Ik youre not going to tell your husband what happened.  Most likely youll keep it to yourself and do it again .Smh. Even when men cares for their women etc etc (In Vice versa ) Its never enough.  

 
Thursday, March 9, 2017 5:20 AM
Jo

Don't care about the negative comments right now.  Focus on what you think you should do.

 
Thursday, March 9, 2017 9:17 AM
Jodie

Do not tell him. If you do, he would have wished you hadn't. Trust me on this. It was a mistake on your part, and you have learned a lesson about your own boundaries. It really doesn't have much to do with him, so do him a favor and leave him out of it. The fact that you regret this, and agonize over it, feeling guilty toward your husband means that you in fact are a loving, caring wife with a conscience. Now please stop punishing yourself and let it go. You are a good person. This one action doesn't define who you are. 

 
Sunday, March 12, 2017 8:08 AM
Jo

Hi Mich, any update?  Is everything ok?

 
Monday, March 13, 2017 10:29 PM
Mich

Things are ok I guess. I confessed to the whole thing on Saturday. Saying he got a little upset would be an understatement. I think he called me every name there is for whore, I didn't like it but I didn't really fight back either, I knew he would be upset. At least I took the kids to my mom's before I said anything. I was very emotional and had a hard time expressing myself which made the whole thing worse. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I do feel like I had to so I don't regret that. I really don't know what will happen. We slept in different rooms on Saturday but he joined me in the guest room late on Sunday night and woke up there. We haven't said much of anything to each other since the fight and I don't want to bring it up but I also don't want to just keep going on like everything got resolved. All the anxiety and guilt that I had seems to be more just sadness now. I didn't expect it to be easy so it's just day by day now. 

 
Thursday, March 16, 2017 2:38 AM
Jo

I'm proud of you for your courage.  

Now, of course he's upset, and it's hard to win his trust back.  But don't give up because I believe it's possible to save this marriage.  You care about this marriage so much you're willing to risk everything and to be honest.  That's a good sign.  

Again, I strongly suggest you together go to marriage counseling.  

If you don't mind I ask, how old are your kids?

 
Thursday, March 16, 2017 7:33 AM
Jo

More importantly, do you think your husband will be willing to go to marriage counseling with you?

 
Thursday, March 16, 2017 8:45 AM
Guest

How about the courage not to cheat on her husband and possibly destroy her kids future????

 
Thursday, March 16, 2017 3:16 PM
Guest

If I was your husband, "it just happened" certainly would not be an acceptable answer. If you cannot figure out, or honestly tell your husban, why you cheated, how can he have any confidence that you will not do it again? You flirted with someone who is not your husband. That, to me, crosses a line. I don't feel comfortable doing anything with another woman that I would not do in front of my wife. Once it was clear that his intentions were sexual, you should have shut it down. The main point, however, is that the sex did not "just happen". At some point, you made a decision to sleep with the guy. Why you made that choice, when you say you love your husband and family, is what you need to figure out, possibly with the help of a counselor. Yes, the taboo of cheating is exciting, but you resisted the urge on previous occasions, so why not on this one? You said that the fling made you feel "free." I suspect this is closer to the truth that you are hiding from yourself. You have responsibilities as a mother and wife that may weigh on you more than you are willing to admit. You knew you were married. From the way you described it, the guy knew you would sleep with him even before you got to your hotel room, so you probably made the decision to cheat before that point. What was going through your head? If you told your husband that you want to go to counseling to try to figure out why you made the decision to cheat that might give him more confidence that you will not do it again the next time you are out of town and bored. As it is, I would not trust you enough not to worry that you will tempted by the next charming guy who comes across your path.

 
Sunday, March 19, 2017 2:41 AM
Jo

How's everything?  Has your husband talked more to you?  How are kids?

 
Tuesday, March 21, 2017 6:22 AM
Guest

God bless us people. If you love someone just love that person everyday more and more. Its not childish its just love people. Read the bible and praise the lord. Live in harmony and it all will be good!

Proud of you mommy. Next time dont fuck a stranger, I hope you realize that you did just destroy your tons of year of love aura. Since now welcome to the second life. Watch out there folks. Love your loved ones and live the life!

peace out!

God protect all the children

Dios Bendishona tur hende! Dushi -xxx-

 
Wednesday, March 22, 2017 6:29 AM
Jo

Goodness, self-righterous trolls...

 
Thursday, March 23, 2017 1:10 AM
Mich

Things have setttled down a bit I guess. He doesn't want to talk about it much, but things feel sort of normal. He said he would go to therapy, but then he wouldn't go if the therapist is a woman and then he wouldn't go if it's a man; seems like it has to be a woman over 60 or he won't go. This sort of limits the options. I don't really get it, I'm the one who cheated I should be embarrassed. It's not that I'm not embarraased but a therapist is a professional, they see this all the time. In any case he has nothing to be embarrassed about. But I feel like I'm inviting a fight if I bring it up and he seems content not to bring it up but I can see it being something worse if we don't find a way to communicate about it and really leave it behind.

 
Thursday, March 23, 2017 5:22 AM
Jo

It's quite normal he constantly changes his mind, but I feel it's very positive that he's willing to go to therapy.  I think you're absolutely right to not bring up different opinion about it; just let him sort things out.  Give him some space while let him know you'll always be there.

And that's important: you have to try to understand how he feels (for example, suppose he were the one who cheated, how would you have felt?  What would he have to do for you to trust him again?), and try to help him gradually understand that you are trustable.  It hurts him really deep; he feels he's inferior, he's not good enough, you don't love him...  to win the trust back is a very long process.

Are there any specific things you think you would do?

 
Friday, March 24, 2017 3:00 AM
Mich

Not sure what I can do. It's not really something that can be taken back.

 
Friday, March 24, 2017 8:04 AM
Jo

Of course it can't be taken back, just like you can't undone the wound if you cut someone with a knife.  But you can clean it up, care for it, help it heal.  It might heal funny, might not look perfect, but if you're sincere and careful, the damaged part should have a good chance to function well again.  It depends on how much you're willing to make it work.  

Actually, when you confessed, was it because you loved your husband, wanted to save this marriage, or simply out of guilt?  I think they're all related, but might have some slight differences..

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 12:13 PM
man

forgiveness is very hard, revenge is easier, you will experience his innate character of as a result of this crisis but only time will tell which direction it chooses

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 12:17 PM
man

cuckoldry is embarrassing for men

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 6:44 PM
Guest

Listen, promiscuity is fine. If you and your husband are the type that talk about fantasies, tell him. If you don't speakof these things, then don't tell him and DO NOT feel guilty. It's difficult to keep faithful to just one person your whole life IF you have opportunities when apart from your significant other for more than a day or more. The daily grind is one thing, but when you go away for a few days for whatever reason, if it happens it happens. ENJOY the experience. You don't say if protection was used. THAT could be a disaster in more than a pregnancy.

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 7:56 PM
Jo

Men has a point...

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:04 PM
Jo

I can't post comments properly

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:19 PM
Jo

Your husband, I imagine, is struggling with forgive vs revenge, knowing nothing vs learning every detail

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:21 PM
Jo

e.g., I don't want to know and I don't care vs. is he better at sex?  Is he bigger?  Last longer?  You climax?  How many times? All the painful comparisons

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:23 PM
Jo

"So I'm not good enough?  What did I do wrong or not enough?  Is it my fault?  I'm not a man?"

 
Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:24 PM
Jo

Does your husband has anything to do with the fact that you cheated?  If not, you have to let him know that.  Did you let him know that?

 
Sunday, March 26, 2017 7:18 AM
Mich

I'm don't think he will get vindictive over it. If he does I think that's worse than anything I did. What happened was a weakness of character but I didn't feel malice. I get the insecurity stuff to a degree, but I also don't think one night wipes out 16 years. I don't think I need to get into all the details of that night with him, the important part is that I'm sorry about it. I have let him know that this wasn't about him, but I'm not sure how many different ways I need to say that. It was impulsive. Obviously it didn't happen in a moment and there were plenty of chances for me to stop it but I didn't. Yes, during the course of the evening I started thinking about what it would be like to be with another man sexually after being with only my husband for the past 16 years. But I wasn't thinking about it from a point of view of comparision. Like I wasn't trying to judge who was better or any of that nonsense. While it was happening I honestly was not thinking about my husband, I understand that is part of the problem, but until the morning I was sort of transported outside myself. That doesn't mean I hate my life and marriage, or my husband or any thing like that. I don't know why he has to ask me about the sex that's the last thing i'd want to know about if the role were reversed. I'd be hurt but I don't think i'd want to subject myself to more pain and really come off as so insecure. Doesnt the fact that I wanted to marry him and still want to be married to him say that I like what we do in bed? I don't even think that's an issue but I don't know how many different ways I can say that. I am willing to do what I can to make it better but I don't see dwelling on one thing as the way to make that happen. I know that I caused all this so I am mostly upset with myself right now.

 
Sunday, March 26, 2017 9:24 AM
ALF

To answer your question about still wanting to be married to your husband:  No, it doesn't say anything about you likiing what you do in bed.  In his mind, if you liked what you were doing in bed you wouldn't have gone elsewhere.  Your husband wants information so he can determine what course of action he wants to take.  Your refusal to give him that information indicates a lack of transparency, which in turn suggests dishonesty.  And dishonesty will certainly kill any chances of salvaging your relationship.  He's probably feeling that he's been conned for the last 16 years, and your refusal to provide the answers he's seeking will suggest that you want to keep the con going.

 

You say that giving him the information will be more hurtful to him.  I think you're worried more about yourself and the discomfort it's going to cause you.  It's not about you anymore.  The ball is in his court now.  You need to start being honest with him if want any hope of staying in the game.

 
Sunday, March 26, 2017 5:37 PM
Jo

Hi Mich, you said "I don't think he will get vindictive over it.  If he does I think that's worse than anything I did." "...but I also don't think one night wipes out 16 years." "I'd be hurt but I don't think I'd want to subject myself to more pain..."

What you said might be "correct" in its own right, but be careful: this is his emotion we're talking about now, and emotion is definitely irrational.  

 
Sunday, March 26, 2017 5:59 PM
Jo

I agree that for your husband, knowing all the details in fact might not be good for himself.  But I don't think you're in a position of judging what he think/do.  You can let him know about your concern (it's for his own good, and you understand his being so hurt), but it's up to him to decide.  

So did he really ask for details?

Also, you can't blame him if he becomes vindictive (unless, of course, he starts to hurt you physically), for example, he asks for a divorce, or he starts his own affair.  It might not be smart, might not be rational, it's damaging to this marriage (AND maybe the kids too), but at the moment you had another man, you lost the right of telling him "you shouldn't do that"

You can say "one night doesn't wipe out 16 years," but from another angle, he can also say "so 16 years isn't enough for you to stop seeking the one night?" Again, it's not a healthy thought, it's irrational, but it's raw emotion and you can't judge him for thinking that way (if that's what he thinks).  Remember: right now you're the one at fault, you have to be prepared for his all kinds of emotions if you want to save this marriage.

 
Sunday, March 26, 2017 6:10 PM
Jo

ALF said if you don't share information your husband is seeking that's dishonesty, that you want to keep it going, and you just worry about yourself.  While I'm not sure that's true, ALF has a point: you have to be 100% honest with your husband now... indeed in your husband's mind, if you liked his "performance" in bed you wouldn't have gone somewhere else.  And again and again, that's probably irrational, but it's his emotion and you can't argue with emotion.

 
Sunday, March 26, 2017 9:10 PM
JP

Hi Mich - I was where your husband is now 15 months ago....My wife of 20 years had a ONS on a business trip under almost the same circumstances. She told me about 1 month after it happen. Very sorry and still loved me. It took me almost 4 months to want to know all the details of that night, until then so also thought things were back to normal - but they were not at all. All thr things Jo said he might be feeling are true and I felt them all - and still do....I wish I can tell you it worked out but it took me 8 months to realize I could not stay with my wife and filed for divorce...She was shocked due to the fact I did say I would forgive her, but did not mean I would stay with her as her husband any longer....We are in  the middle of a divorce and  I can barely look or talk to her anymore. Sorry to say its sounds like you do not know or understand how your husband is feeling.

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 12:50 AM
Jo

JP: sorry to hear that.  I imagine it is painful.  I hope you can find peace in your heart and happiness in your life eventually, and hope you can forgive your ex-wife, even if it takes time.  Do you have kids?  

But Mich, don't give up.  There are also cases that work out too.  

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 2:00 AM
Mich

I'm really sorry that this happened to you JP. I'm not trying to defend myself or anyone's behavoir. It was a very selfish thing to do. Would you have rather she just didn't say anything and pretended nothing happened?

It's hard position for me to be in right now too. If I do just say everything there are still stigmas about women enjoying sex. If he has cheated it would be assumed that he enjoyed at least the sexual aspect. For me, I'm supposed to say it felt awful and that he is the only one that can do that in a way that feels good to me. If I do say that he may not believe me and with good reason it would be a lie. But it's not a lie that I am truly sorry about what I did it's not a lie that I love him. I don't know what he could gain by knowing. I had sex with someone and I feel awful about it. Is he looking to punish me by making me confess more? He asked if there was oral and a few other things but that upset me and I haven't said anything yet.

And I know that I am in the wrong but I'm not about to wear a letter my whole life at some point we need to get past it or get a divorce. Although neither of us have used that word or anything close to yet. He still tells me that he loves me and we both know how much we love the kids. I don't think there is any one way to get through anything like this and I don't think everyone does or that everyone fails to.

JP I am really sorry for the pain that people like me inflict and I hope that new doors open to you.

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 6:35 AM
ALF

I see divorce coming.

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 7:39 AM
Guest

Mich, 

You need to talk to a professional. Even if your husband will not go it can help you to understand what you can do to save your marriage. 

 

T

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 8:11 AM
Jo

Actually, if you go to counseling, you MUST go with your husband together--if you want this marriage.  Only one goes usually ends up a divorce counseling.  This is from a counseling professor I heard.

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 8:35 AM
Jo

And I see your point, Mich; if you tell your husband the sex is awful you're lying; if you tell him it's good it hurts more.  You don't want to lie, but you don't want to hurt him either.  I think that's why you have to go to counseling together asap.  In a safe and non judgmental environment with counselor's skills, hopefully you together can sort it out.

But don't judge him when he asks.  It's very natural.  I think he'll keep asking for a long time--even if he's not asking you.

Indeed this world has double standard on women--men who play around are studs, women who play around are sluts.  People might be even more forgiving to men who cheat: "Oh, he's just being a man."  "It's just sex."  On the other hand, however, in your case you probably don't want to bring this up.  Cheating, no matter done by men or women, is still perceived as wrong.  You said you're not wearing a letter for your whole life, actually... unfortunately it'll always be there.  I hate to say that, but from now on, in your bed there are 3 people: your husband, you, and the ghost of the man you had the affair with.  But don't be despair; right now you both should start learning to cope and deal with it, if love is still there.  With counseling I believe the hope is there.  It'll take a while, but I know some do overcome.  

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 9:07 AM
Guest

Mich,

I was cheated by my wife. It was 23 years ago and while we are still together I am past it I am not over it. We all know that there are more attractive people and that our spouses notice them. We know intellectually that they would enjoy it if they did have sex with someone else. But It is hard for a man to deal with the reality if it happens. It feels like a rejection. It strikes at your self worth. When you please your wife sexually it is an affirmation of your desirability and of her desire for you. By sleeping with that guy and telling your husband he has to deal not just with trusting you but also with the feeling of inadequacy that knowledge brings.  

I have read one of the biggest reasons marriages fail after this is that the cheating spouse loses patience with the betrayed spouse not being able to "get past it" My wive would be like that at times. It didn't help and almost finished us. You said you don't want to be wear a letter for the rest of your life and you shouldn't have to. However, this will probably take a long time to fix. It did for me. The trust it would not happen again was easy as the circumstances were unlikely to repeat and I knew she was sorry. But the hurt takes a long time and lingers still.  

Your husband has lost something something precious. He has lost his confidence in his desireability as a man. You wanted to screw that man because he raised a desire in you that your husband does not. I don't think you did it just because you could not wait another day or two to screw your husband. You said you have anxiety over your age. How would you feel if your husband stepped out with a younger woman? It would probably increase your insecurity.

He needs to grieve what he has lost and you need to be patient. that said, The one thing I would be careful of is do not let him bring this into other areas. What you did is not a trump card to win every fight. No "You fucked a stranger so I get to not do laundry" He was the wronged party but revenge will not give him back what he has lost. 

It it will take a long time. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to get past it but it was hard and it took months to get back to something normal and years to really not care much. 

Trust may be hard for your husband. If you travel he may be overbearing with calls and texts. He is going to be insecure. There is an expectation that men are strong and be strong, hence the saying "man up" but emotionally we are a vulnerable as anyone we just like to pretend it is not so. This is where a professional can really help you guys find the right ways to rebuild trust.

as for details. I understand why he wants to know but I also think it is a bad idea to give them. It will be very hurtful. What little you have said here would be hard to take. A professional could advise you on how much to tell. 

And do do not say the divorce word. Not even here. If you want your family to remain whole don't go there. 

Get to a cousler. If you have to fight about something fight to get help.

Your marriage, your family can be saved but it will be a tough road. 

 

Good luck,

T

 

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 7:54 PM
JP

Hi Jo - Thank you for the kind words. I have a 18 year old daughter and she knows it all...Her relationship with her Mom is not good at all because of what she did. I tell her her Mom loves her and it was not about you - but she disagrees , she says she cheated on us both.

I will not start any new realtionships until the divorce is final ( within 2 months ) plus 6 months...I need space to heal and calm my inner storm....

 
Monday, March 27, 2017 8:05 PM
JP

Mich ...my only advise to you is when he wants to know the details tell him , do not leave things out as my soon to ex did ( I know you said earlier you do not want to be cruel ) . It cruel to let him find out their is more you did not tell him later on in therapy....It will crush him and create a wall of never trusting you again. That is the main reason I decided to divorce my wife was never getting the full story for weeks , every changing account of that night. That is what a ONS is all about when you decide to have a ONS you do things you never do with your spouse - he Knows that already...And be honest with yourself - you wanted to do it and decided to cheat....If my wife was honest about these things we might have gotten pass this - I feel you are a good person and want to work this out....I wish you the best and show him with actions how you feel and not withjust words....

 
Tuesday, March 28, 2017 7:32 AM
Guest

Guest "T" has some good point.  T, hope all is well with you.  It must be tough... how do you go by all these years?  You said you're "not over it," but I assume your relationship with your wife now is a loving one? 

JP, you advise Mich to tell her husband all the details, this I'm not so sure... I think it's probably better for them to go to professional and being handled there.  But I see your point, she has to be honest.  Mich, I think you can be honest on telling your husband the potential damages for knowing all tiny details, and suggest that it to be handled in counselor's office.

I also hope there're women sharing their opinions.  We are all men, we might have some potential biases.  However, Mich, I believe we're all here to give you the best wishes.  Hope everything is well with you and your family.

 
Tuesday, March 28, 2017 8:34 AM
Guest

To previous poster,

yes my my marriage is good today. But her stepping out still is a big deal for me. There was so much good in that time of our lives but the memories are bitter sweat. I love it that my wife loves to have sex but sometimes I resent it too because she fucked him for "the pleasure" as she told me. 

T

 
Tuesday, March 28, 2017 3:53 PM
JP

Guest - I agree with what you say about being honest with a professional being there. I was not clear, the story changed in therapy many times as my wife did not disclose one big fact till many weeks in therapy.

 
Wednesday, March 29, 2017 12:50 AM
Jo

Hi, the "guest" talking to T and JP was me, Jo.  Sorry.

T, good for you.  I admire the fact that you and your wife can go through that.  Did you guys go through counseling?

JP, thanks for clearing that up.  That makes sense: if she's inconsistent, that's a really big deal.  That shows she's hiding.  Though I would imagine it's possible she hid it maybe out of fear.  But I don't know the detail so I can't judge.

Mich, have you found a counselor?  Any update?  We all care about you.

 

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