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why does she want others??

My wife cheated on me

Tuesday, March 1, 2016 12:39 AM by Guest Rating: +11|-11

  ok, I could really use some advice on why things have went this way.. please guys/gals.. I KNOW many will think "what a sap"(or worse) and will want to state so, but I'm in enough pain and would just appreiate honest thought..where I went wrong please tell me but please dont be mean(yeah,, I know I'm setting myself up,but it's worth a try)..anyways my story :

    My girlfriend and I got pregnant when we were very young..teenagers.. suffice to say we both decided to stay together and a couple weeks after her birthday when she was able to we were married..at this time we have had our 2nd and final child..she had a bad pregnancy 2nd time..miny stroke.. its was a scary time.. i'm stating this as I deem it important for later.for almost a year after we were married(our 2nd child was 3 months old..also note..both children were NOT planned..another story bought that not relevant here) my wife completely ignored me physically.. no "attention" of any kind.. i was still a young man and went to regular sex to nothing..I know life wasnt pleasant for her either but to completely ignore me was painful.after about 9 months of this rejection,I succumbed to another who sought me out.. I didnt want to cheat,but I needed to feel wanted. she found out and proceded to react as I expected and so deserved,I did try to "defend" myself as to why but knew I needed to relent to her emotional state.I let her be mad and dictate the future steps..she punished me a while longer slowly sex crept into our marriage..then she started to stray.many times(this is the "you sap" part) I have read many posts article etc. and realize the various psyc. reasons for her actions.. our life wasnt easy, we didnt have much,I was 17 when I had to start working full time to support a family and my opportunities were not very wide. my failures at supplying her with more "material support" was never by effort only ability. I understand he wanting something for her or not fully forgiving me for my stray etc.. but she wasnt just bad... she was viscious to me..she held back that "extra sex gear" for me but let it all out when she was with others..she strayed 3 times and things stopped.. our financial positioned chaned with time as did our sexual life..At this point I think it important to understand.. in all other things I couldnt ask for a better wife..but in as much as this is pleasing it also is distressful to me, how could someone who by any other measure is a wonderful wife who loves me dearly need to not only deny me that part of herself,but punish me with releasing it to others as I will explain now...her last early fling was about 6 years into our marriage.. she had 3 in about a 2 year span(that I know of..again no sap comment please).but on the "sap" area.. know well.. I did then and still know completely adore this woman.....again the source of my pain..now flash foreward 15 years.....

 its about 5 years ago and at this point in time our kids have moved out with families of their own,we are in a home we own(mortgage but ours) and our sex life has become regular and most often very pleasing.. it took time but the effort she was now affording me surpassed her earlier affairs(on one she stayed with him all night while I was asleep below(his house was after party) while he got hours I would mere minutes at best.. but now I was getting her best(or so I thought) one day while at a "toy store" we saw a flyer for a swingers club(i can see the heads wag already) it was a couple descision to maybe enjoy something together so we went..maybe 1 a month and it was great for the first while.. we never hooked up but she was usually i a sexual mood and she took it out on me and I was fine with that..untill.. the club moved locations and this new spot offered "on the spot" rooms for fun..(first location didnt) so we eventually tried to "hook up" with another couple.. didnt work out too well not real comfortable(me anyway) we tried maybe 3 times when I basically stated this really isnt me.. but she wanted to try more so I agreed to maybe let her try to have some fun( not just me saying this but my wife is beautiful,she was mature at this stage consider her a Valerie Bertinelli type..in other words men have always been interested in her.. so I allowed her to have some fun..big mistake.. she did everyhtin she could to not only make me feel forgotten but ignored,disrespected,unwanted and completely taken advantage of.. highlights include.. getting mad when noi-one approaches some nights and punishes me, forgetting and braking every rule i had for my permission and I dont think they were wrong 1) as soon as you want anything to "enter" any part of you I must ok it..2) when I say stop or go we stop or go.. 3) I say its ok or no way.. watching her give more energy then I have ever witnessed.. I dont want to get explissive but men we all like when we get "talked" too..figure it out.. well at best i get a 1-2 minute conversation and this 1 dude got altogether about 45 minutes out of an hour..understand what I mean and you'll understand my pain in this.. the final straw, the last time we went the actually was a lady there that actually had my interest..this last night her man was there but not her.. we were actually leaving a bit early when he approached her,I tolld her I didnt want this as she (his lady) wasnt here and this would eliminate my chance,but alas she did as she pleased and again gave more then i get and at the same time denied my possible experience..we never went again..she never was good at apologies...I can honestly say that in our now 30 years of marrige only 3 times has she ever,on her own came to me ashamed of something she did or reacted to and showed the proper remorse or regret.. every other time especially on this subject it always gets pushed back to me starting it with my affair.. I know uts just an excuse her "wonka golden ticket" to relay her guilt..I love my wife.. but I need to be #1 in everything.. if she "wanted" me simply as she has shown she can desire I wouldnt be writing this here.. her activities although painful I have dealt with by understandin at least the variant reasons for such behaviour.. its just her being so horrible in HOW she did things,never holding responsibility..I finally started to try to bring this up as I could no longer take it.. this started 14months ago and have tried 5 times with bad results.. xmas morning I thought there was hope.. she woke me up real early and said a few simple things.. she admitted to treating me horribly, she admitted I did nothing to deserve this,a bit more but the problem was again thinking of her i never pressed anything more even though i was screaming inside for answers from things decades ago..this wasnt the time to create her in an emotional stare.. was the holidays,then came her "time" so again i waited .. 3 weeks later she said something very disrespecftfull.I doont think she even realized what she was saying,but she complained if we could at least this 1 time(and it wasnt an important thing) do something SHE wanted to do..so I asked her..reminded her aout her talk with me 3 weeks ago and it was "I didnt say that" or "that's not what I meant" she basically retracted her apology.. bear in mind this was/would have been the first and i mean FIRST time she has ever really apologized for her actions.. decades ago when I would try to rebuker her action she got mad at me and punished me as well.. imagine that you walk upstairs,catch her in bed with another,on the drive home you start to vent about this yet in the end your the one who gets punished.. this is a perfect example of her viscious behaviour that i dont understand..I truly believe that in the end this boils down to a few possibilities why doesnt/didnt she desire me like these others..  to me its either I just dont do it for her...never have..or theres an emotional "block" thats the cornerstone of this behaviour..but not her anger towards me..to be very blunt... I have dealt with and can forgive her for being a s@#t.. but I cant forgive her being a selfish viscious s#$t.. i need to understand why this reaction.. to me either her guilt is preventing her from properly taking her responsibility in this or maybe she really didnt love me as i thought at first.. I may be her choice of husband... but she hasnt shown me I'm her choice of lover...she once tried to ease me by stating "I'm with you...not any of them" but if i'm the model she wanted...why did  she find the need to test drive so many other models?? I could really use advice..in all aspects from men and HOPEFULLY some female insight into this.. why?? how should I proceed... what I want is to stay(as i said...i adore this lady) but I must be #1 now..I cant accept anything less... how do I know if this is not only what she wants...but if she is capable of this.. any advice anyone can give is appreciated..thank you for reading this..typing this was very therapeutic as i havent really anyone to confide in..too personal and would affect too many others..again thanx and I hope someone may have that little piece i need

Tags: Kids; Pregnancy; Swingers;

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Comments

Tuesday, March 1, 2016 4:25 AM
Guest

    What the fuck. Your her bank. She has the freedom  to fuck who ever she wants and not stay committed. You love a women who doesn't love or respect you.  You let all this happen it's your fault. Your a joke in her eyes. Listen  dumb ass sorry I have to talk to you this way. Record her slutty experiencespecially then make copies. Let her find fucking another women. When she gets mad tell the bitch it's my turn. Make her be your personal  whore if she's not threaten to show her kids the videos. Manipulate  the bitch thee way she did you. Before all this grow some balls.  2nd option  walk away from the marriage. What the hell is wrong with  you. Your wife is a narcissistic  bitch. 1

 
Tuesday, March 1, 2016 9:20 AM
Guest

 Hate to say it but you enabled her so thats what happens. Pimp the slut out and get your moneys back.

 
Tuesday, March 1, 2016 11:34 AM
Guest

Is this for real? This seems too complicated to advise on. I think you both should go see a marriage counselor, a professional, to work this out. You don't seem to be considering divorce, but if you did that has its own issues. I would suggest seeing a divorce lawyer without mentioning this to you wife. You would not be without some fault and that can affect property division. Seeing a professional for help, is the smart thing, but that can be expensive and maybe embarrassing to talk about.

I think you have a unique marriage arrangement since you mentioned swingers. Why are you staying with her? Is it a marriage out of convenience, to avoid loneliness, or something else? It doesn't seem like love to me or maybe it's a twisted love. Anyway, it seems like you're old enough to make decisions on this. You're not 17 anymore and you're kids are old enough too. If I was in your shoes, I would get a divorce. I would want to move on from this unhealthy relationship. That doesn't mean you don't love your wife anymore. People drift apart sometimes. At least you can still get love and support from your kids.

 
Wednesday, March 2, 2016 7:20 PM
Guest

No offense intended, only honesty: you have had a fucked up life. You and she never really had a chance to grown up and neither one of you seems to have been all that well raised. Now, after living through 30 years of hellish shit it has to stop. This is not a good life. It certainly is not a marriage. It is a codependent nightmare. I doubt there is anyway to correct this dynamic with both of you together. The best thing to do is to split up. You sound like you have an inkling that this behavior is sick. She is completely pathological. The kids are grown, divorce her and grow up.

 
Wednesday, March 2, 2016 9:18 PM
Guest

First of all, I am sorry for the tremendous pain in your marriage.  Long term marriages have many ups and downs and things that others outside your marriage don't understand.  I am not a therapist but from the outside it seems your wife may be a sex addict .  I am familiar with sex addiction as I found out a few months ago my husband of 35 years had fathered a baby with a woman younger than our children and has had in excess of 100 acting out partners during our marriage.  Betrayal only scratches the surface of the pain you feel.  I would encourage you to look up a COSA meeting near you.  It is a 12 step program for people who are effected by the sex addiction of their partner.   You will find others there with similar stories, people who understand your pain without judgement.  And...don't be hard on yourself.  Most likely her issues have nothing to do with you.. your sexual prowess or attractiveness.  She may have a real disease of sexual addiction.   Good luck and blessings to you.

 
Thursday, March 3, 2016 2:50 PM
Guest

The grammatical errors gave me a migraine.But the day you slid your Dick into another woman,you pretty much opened the door.You deserve this "pain" 

 
Saturday, March 5, 2016 1:16 PM
Guest

to me it seems your wife has deep psychological problems and needs help

 
Sunday, March 6, 2016 8:47 PM
Stinky stinks

Dumbass. 

 
Monday, March 7, 2016 2:36 PM
Guest

Well besides the awful grammar and punctuation, you're stupid for sticking with her. She obviously doesn't live or care about you and is only staying there for her convienance... Which means for your money. Dump her ass. You obviously have a problem loving someone who doesn't feel the same way. You made the first mistake by cheating but she is a bitch through and through. 

 
Saturday, March 12, 2016 6:27 PM
Guest

I think u are a people pleaser. Such gets humiliated everyday. Fight back you will be surprised. I am always a people pleaser. But at time I get to shout at people. You stick too much to people for appreciation and you don't get genuine love. Please tell move out for some weeks. It will hurt you but later ur wife will come crawling back. Please live for yourself. You cannot suffer for all your life. Live for yourself. You are responsible for your happiness. You have not even enjoyed your youth sexually. Now you sacrifice ur adulthood. Please u don't have much life remaining

 
Sunday, June 12, 2016 8:30 AM
Diud

Oh man! Reading the story I could not stop of thinking all the time that most of the shit that you went through was due to the fact that your relationship started really early. Kids etc- made clearly an impact. My advice would be to seek counceling together and also separately. For me it is clear that most of her reqctions have a early reason, from her early ages- she was a young mother when she should have experienced all she has done later.

take care and be safe!

 
Saturday, September 17, 2016 6:45 PM
TheBestAdvice

There is no fixing this. There is no this to fix. Things are so tilted toward her. She would never accept a balanced relationship. That means that you just need to leave. Find the jar where she put your balls when she cut them off. Get your balls back and just leave. 

 

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