I'll try and get to the point quickly, I have ptsd from being raped. I was on a disability leave from work for a year and a half, single w 2 kids.  Told this guy I work with that i didnt want a relationship, he kept pressing, I kept telling him I didn't like him like that. Somehow I ended up w him... and married him. I knew I shouldn't have, I told my therapist I felt it was a mistake before,  she insisted it was just cold feet. I felt angry with him after I married him bc I felt he took advantage of the fact that I was on disability for a mental issue. I regretted marrying him from day one,  he treats me and my kids good.  He treats them like step children,  doesn't hug them or spend time with them,  nonetheless he takes care of them and gives me all his money. I pay for all the bills w his money bc we had a baby,  she's 5 mo old now. I wanted a baby just bc I did,  not anything to do with being in love with him.  He has zero sex drive,  we have sex 2 times a year if i initiate.  He has erectile dysfunction and a very tiny penis.  He's super obese and we can't even do it from the back bc he can't reach w his huge belly... He sweats all on my face and it drips when he's on top,  it's horrible.  It always ends w a hip cramp for him or he goes soft.  He went to sleep at 7 pm on our wedding night,  it sucked.  Before that he was into sex. He sucked at it,  but he treated me good and i just dealt with it... ever since we got married he stopped hugging and kissing me. We don't touch or spend time together.  Because of the baby i work an opposite shift than him,  so i never see him... i am not attracted to him, im not in love with him, i want to leave him,  but i cant. I have no one to watch the baby,  my mom will watch the boys though because they're older. I don't know if i can afford to leave him until the baby is at least 4 when my mom can watch her. I'm miserable,  I've tried talking to him many times.  No change,  he's almost 50. 17 years older than me. I feel trapped,  so depressed, i think of dying bc I'm so unhappy. I met a guy at the gym, we became friends, i told him the story. I don't trust anyone,  so i am not sure if he's really into me for me or because of the way i look. I'm very fit and young, i am told I'm attractive all the time... i found myself over his house and i cheated, we kissed.  There's been allot of tension for months between us, i worry he'll eventually tell. I suspect he's just into me for sex,  he wants it. I told him no,  bc he told me he likes me, i said prove it.  Also, i had a c section, I'm very fit except for my tummy.  It's completely trashed,  I'm scared to let him see bc i think its so gross, i need a tummy tuck... ultimately this guy is half the age of my husband,  actually has a sex drive,  he's super muscular and hot. He acts like he wants me,  and he does. Unlike my husband, i don't feel attractive to my husband.  ive tried getting him herbs and sending him for tests to see if something is wrong with his testosterone but he says the Dr claims it was all normal. I feel so stuck in this life. 28, 3 kids,  like there's no out. I don't feel guilty either, i feel anxiety though.