I have been a terrible wife for the last 2 years.  I was always so loyal and loved my husband so much.  Life wasn't perfect but I really loved him.  He loved me too but didn't seem to as much as I did.  There was a point in our marriage I seriously thought we were not going to make it.  He made excuses to not be around me and told me to go get friends.  It hurt me a lot that he didn't want to be with me or do things with me. Then he decided to join the military.  I was so against it. Even friends told me that he joined to find a way out of the marriage.  I expressed my feelings regarding the choice he made and how much I hated the idea of him going away. He only put me down and told me that I was a horrible wife to not be supportive of what he wanted to do.  So I had no choice but to accept his choice. I was scared that I was losing the man I loved.  He went away for training. We couldn't talk and only could write each other for 4 months. I found myself checking the mail everyday hoping to get a letter.  He did send one everyday.  The sweetest letters I had ever received. I was so happy and felt so loved even though he was so far away.  When we finally got to see each other after months of writing and barely speaking, it was the most incredible feeling of my life! I even had butterflies. But then after awhile of being together again,  things started to go back to how they were.  2 years later he was treating me the same way he did before he joined the military.  He went out with his friends and their wives.  Spent half of our money,  and I'm the bread winner.  Lied about places he went and worse took off his ring in front of his friends and wives when he went out one night.  One of the wives told me. His ring was in his pocket when he got home and he was so drunk.  He said one lie after another about where he went.  I was so hurt and felt so betrayed.  After that I didn't trust him and wouldn't let him go anywhere. He straightened up some but was rebelling like he didn't even want the relationship.  I guess I felt stuck. Here I am in another state with no family and only a few friends.  No one to talk to about my problems. Wives in the military can be judgmental and not always helpful.  Then off course he had to go away for training. I went back to my home state for that month.  I wasn't looking to cheat at all.  I felt actually really bad about myself.  If the man I love can i love treats me that way is because I'm not pretty enough or good enough.  That's how I felt.  Then I went out with some friends and met some people.  We had so much fun we had an after party.  It was the most fun I had for a long time.  Longer than I could remember. There was this one man that we all just met and he was so nice and actually listened to me.  He was so good looking too with the most beautiful eyes.  The way he looked at me I hadn't been looked at like that for so long.  I couldn't help but want to kiss him and forget about all my problems, fears,  and insecurities.  So I did.  It was the best kiss I felt in a long time.  The kiss like I want you.  My husband stopped kissing me that way, and still doesn't.  When I try he rejects me.  This guy surprised me even more.  He picked me up and started kissing me more.  I wanted him so bad at that point.  I put his hand down my shorts.  I wasn't wearing underwear. He liked it so much he asked me if he could kiss me there.  I was feeling so much pleasure I wanted it more than I have wanted anything at that time.  It felt amazing and the sex was even better.  I instantly had this chemistry with him I never felt with anyone before.  I kept sing him and texting him throughout the time I was there.  I feel in love with him.  So in love.  But I couldn't leave my husband. I didn't want to start over with this new guy and I couldn't leave everything we had worked for.  Besides it was list and not love. But I really could not get over the guy.  Of course I went back to my husband. I knew deep down I was safer that way.  I didn't want to go through more heartache than I already had.  It would kill me. I still love my husband, but the love isn't as strong as it was before. I wish my husband would be like the guy in the aspect of feeling wanted.  It's crazy though that when I stopped caring as much,  my husband wanted me more.  The saddest thing about it is that when I stopped caring something inside me died.  I used to be so good and think so differently regarding people who cheat.  Now i don't even know if I would care if he did cheat. I guess as long as I get to have some fun.  I never used to think that way ever and only wanted to be home with him.  Now I want to fill this hole I feel.  I cheated again later when I got back and he was back from training. I never thought I would do that.  He took leave for almost a month and the entire time he took off he literally played Xbox only.  He didn't take me anywhere or want to go anywhere with me.  I did a lot with friends and had my own regimen to keep me busy.  But I still had that hole.  I met 2 men on a site and made out wth one and started dating the other one.  I eventually had sex with the 2nd guy.  I didn't enjoy it.  I made up my mind I wanted to make it work.  I couldn't be that person.  It was not helping me feel better.  It made me feel worse.  But then I went out again a couple times and met 2 more really nice cute guys.  I made out with them. It was so much fun and freeing. I did care though and I don't want to be like that.  I wasn't even that way when I was single.  I'm so incredibly sad that I enjoy it and lime seducing men.  It became some sort of sick addiction.  That's not the end of it either.  I did well for the rest of the year not to cheat.  Then it was time for him to go away again and this time a longer training. So I went back to my home state.  Of course the first guy that this all started with contacted me.  He saw on a mutual friend's fb page a post with me. I blew him off dental times but enjoyed texting him.  I went out and drank a little and then of course went to see him.  I made out with him and did not want to have sex.  I knew that would just screw my head up more again.  I had to forget about him.  So I visited my husband back and forth every 2-3 weeks.  That helped a lot until I was away from him and my husband starts not answering the phone and staying out wth his friends drinking, paying and spending money.  When he finally answers he treats me like shit and all we did was fight!  It was horrendous!  So I was tired of sitting at the house worrying about everything with my man.  I started going out a lot too. I didn't have any intentions. But one night I got too drunk and had a one night stand. I felt so sorrowful and regretted that. What I really regret is the 2 incidences that later occurred between a longtime friend and I. Of course alcohol was involved both times. I really wish I could take that back.  Then 2 months later I slept with my friend's man.  He and I wanted each other so bad.  I still want him and I feel terrible.  I even had phone sex with him.  So these are my confessions.  I didn't and don't want to be the way I've been the past 2 years.  I want to be who I was.  I was such a great wife and friend and person. I'm going to stay with my husband and stop everything. I love my life and need to fill the emptiness with positive and I will.  I just needed to tell someone.  I know the world would hate me and judge me and that's why I remain anonymous. I'm not a bad person, I've been through a lot.  I know that if you don't deal with your past it can come back to haunt you and in my case it did.  The sexual abuse I encountered as a teenager haunted me and I didn't even know it.  I let the hurt and pain I had inside be stuffed down until I tried to self medicate through sex and men when things were going wrong in my love life.  I will need counseling for the pain I feel inside.  You know what's the craziest thing is that if you met me you would never have a clue about any of this. My life and I look perfect on the outside.