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Wednesday, April 27, 2016 2:03 PM by Guest Rating: +9|-2

How do I start this...

Well I've been dating my fiance for about 10 years now; we've been engaged for two years and the wedding is coming up soon. She's a fenominal woman, smart, funny, athletic, you name it, she's a very well rounded person. We've been dating since high school and we've watched each other grow up to be pretty decent individuals. We both have multiple college degrees, make good money, have nice things, I even bought a house for us in which we both live in together with our dog. Over our time dating I cheated on her (back when I was young and dumb). We worked it out and moved on but every now and then, old wounds become raw again and it seems she still has a problem with it (not saying she doesn't have every right not to). Till this day I've always blamed the insident it on my hormonal youth. The last few years has thrown my conclusion to my infidelitiy to the curb though. I'm older, more mature and know better but I still find myself flirting with TONS of women. I find myself flirting with women when I'm out with friends or even on social media. I've flirted with at least 20 women throughout my time in our relationship. Although I don't take it too far to the point of having sex but I've made out with a handful of women (not saying that isn't cheating either). I don't know what's wrong with me! I love her, no doubt, hell I even spent THOUSANDS extra on a ring for her just to make sure she likes it. I try to listen to her, tell her how beautiful she is, take care of things for her, surprise her with fun dates and activities, clean the house so she doesn't have to spend too much time on chores, you name it. I don't see myself setteling down with any other woman other than her. 

My fiance is attractive, smart and caring; most of my friends wish they had a woman like her in their lives, but somehow I feel like there is a part of our relationship that isn't working. Our sex life is ok, it's not by far the best but it's beautiful when it happens. We were hot and heavy back in the day but for the last two-three years, we have sex about once a month. Sometimes I think she agrees to do it because she thinks I'll go find it somewhere else (which I wouldn't at all). When I flirt with other women and they tell me what they're into/down for or I listen to the sex escapades my buddies share, I realize how medocare our sex is and how much I want to try these other things. I've tried taking it a bit further by telling her what new things I want to try but its pretty difficult when you can't even get a "yes" to sex, let alone spice things up. 

Outside of the bedroom, she's so focused on the tasks at hand and everything else to the point where she forgets about me. I try to give her kisses here and there but she doesn't respond to it, I try to hold her hand but she somehow wants to wiggle out of it or keep her phone in her hand. I'm a pretty decent looking guy, I work out, I dress nice, I keep myself well put together and I get more looks, smiles and compliments from other women more than I get from her. The most I get from her most of the time is "nice shirt". Maybe I'm just asking for too much, she's my love, and if she feels like she doesnt need to compliment me then that should be fine. I'm not going to force her. I try not to be some nagging dude but it'll be nice to have a woman show her affection every now and then, just the way women love when a man showers them with all that good stuff. 

I know I'm not some saint that deserves all the good of a relationship, but I feel like even if I was, something still feels like it's missing. 

Is this why I find myself responding to other women's passes? Because I get cold reponses from my finace? Am I some freako who can't keep his damn hands to himself? I just need some insite on this. 

Please help.

Tags: Dating;

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Thursday, April 28, 2016 12:57 PM

Hi so I've read your story and it seems you really do love your girl! You don't sound at all like a bad guy or your asking for too much! Unfortunately when we are in a relationship for a long time we forget how much intimacy is a HUGE part of it sex, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, generally being physically affectionate with one another. Over time I get it , we get comfortable and used to "the way things are" but we have to try our best. I really think that the only reason you feel the need to flirt with others , talk about sex with other females or even have a cheeky kiss with them is because you are Missing out on doing these things with your girl. If you got the affection you needed even if you didn't have wild sex and you just had "normal" sex a few times a week and the normal day to day affection of kissing and affection I highly down you would flirt heavily with other females or kiss them. It seems you're pretty happy with where you are and who you're with but your mind/heart is trying to find the missing "something" which is intimacy. You cannot have a successful relationship without it. Intimacy also isint always sex... But if you are someone that enjoys sex especiall you being keen on trying new things out... It's a huge thing. One thing though you mentioned is that it seems you're girlfriend hasn't let go of the past sometimes she brings it up after all these years if she brings it up its not good you can't move on from a situation like that if it's still being brought up. If she forgave you and agreed to stay together then she needs to stop bringing it up. The past should stay in the past if you want to have a bright happy future together! This could also be the problem of why you're having sex once a month. She still deep down resents you for cheating or never really forgave you about it. And the sex once a month to her is more a check list just to keep you from going elsewhere. Once a month is not good enough for a "happy couple" unless you both have extremely low sex drives and don't care much about sex. I'm guessing that not you. But with us females it is easy for us to get comfortable and used to only having it once a month. 


My advice is that you sit together and talk about it. You need to tell her how you feel about the lack of intimacy you also need to talk about the cheating that happened when you were younger... She forgave you and decided to stay . You said sorry so now you have to move on that's in the past. You cannot get married with her not having dealt with this. Before you start your new life as husband and wife you both need to start it with a clean slate. Which means she has to trust you and not use what happened before against you. And you have to make sure you don't go kissing random girls or flirting with them. On top of this you need to make it clear that sex is important and once a month is not normal for a happy couple! Of you want to have a great relationship you have to discuss this . She has to let go of the past and hopefully that can help her with the intimacy which will I'm turn help you with being faithful because you won't be subconsciously searching for thing/affection that you don't have.

you really can't ignore this. Because it will lead to the end of your relationship to put it bluntly might not be now, may be in 1 year, 5 years or 10 when you've had kids.. And really you don't want to do that. Think of your future self you want them to be in a happy loving relationship. When you have kids you want them to see their mum and dad being affectionate with eachother around the house. You want them to want a love so deep... Relationships work because of these three things. Trust, honesty , love and intimacy - it also may be ideal to read the 5 languages of love!its a book that's meant for couples and apparently really good! Let us know how you get on! Or your thoughts on my advice. All the best!  

Sunday, May 22, 2016 1:56 PM

I hate to say this but she is probably cheating on you. Sex isnt something most people will choose to go without. If she isnt having sex with you, she is probably with someone else. 

Sunday, May 22, 2016 2:17 PM

I think your relationship has gotten boring. Yall haven't moved forward in 10 years. You guys should've been married with a child at least 5 years ago. I think yall or more friends then lovers now. Wouldn't really say she's cheating but a convo is important. What your dealing with now is a reflection of what your marriage will be like

Tuesday, June 28, 2016 5:53 PM
Unidentified Specimen

I have to agree with the person above, I wouldn't flat out say she's probably in a affair, cause this could be due to her remembering what you did in the past, like you said, she doesn't really forget it. In addition, you think she might be just having intercourse with you cause she believes you may get it somewhere else. I also recommend you have a conversation with her, maybe a Couple, Sex (or Both) Therapist.  If you love this woman, you better show her that you're willing to fight for it.


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