It is not sexual yet with any of them. But three  expect the relationship to evolve into a marriage. When I started dating them there was so much I loved about them. They are all intellectually inebt and caring. I was never interested in their looks or money or assets. They all have ambitions, had tough lives and limited resources. And have great loving hearts and potentials.

I am attracted to intelligence and maybe that will never change. Sometimes I feel nothing towards anyone and stay alone for weeks not talking to anyone outside of work. Or I am too mentally unbalanced to keep up with anyone's needs. Other times I want to give them the world, all that they never had with their previous partners.

I know they are faithful except for the 50 years old.  He is back with his ex gf. It s not enough reason for me to walk away without getting him in safer place.. I know he is with her because of the sex. I anticipated it and that he will try to hide it from me. His ex gf is manipulative. It is bit hypocritical coming from me and knowing he meets her behind my back. I do realize I am manipulative. I was raised in a war zone. If I werent this way, i would have been dead long ago. I understand they dont have to suffer the consequences of my past and because of that I will eventually leave and ruin the image i helped them build about me. While making sure they are aware my behavior isnt their fault. But she, his ex, is the kind that takes all the guy s money, she already cost him his house. And she tried to get him into mental facility and made false accusations of physical abuse. He is autistic and so naive for his age. They have been together for 15 years. They are twice my age.

I dont know where i am going with this post but the truth is too complex to be approached merely from one aspect . These are not bunch of excuses. I planned this and yes I do experience guilt at times. I do wish I was normal and able to be emotionally commited to just one without having to continiously try to protect him from what Iam.

Yet I feel like I have to preserve that emotional power in their lives so they make the right decisions and not use abusive people or be abusive towards themselves until they are ready to let me go. If I walk out from him, for instance, she ll be his only source of emotional validation. I want to get him out of that shit and then leave him to find someone more trust worthy than the both of us. Same for all the other guys.