I have been with my husband for 15.5 years but married for 9. We have a history of abuse and control. The first year of our relationship was great! The sweetest man. Year 2 he started choking me with for various things sometimes his jealously with family or my friends. I had to stop being friends with females he did not like, he kept tabs on my comings and goings. He dressed me and ordered food for me. Picked our activities.  I forgave him and stayed with him. We moved in together by year 4 and the physical abuse continued but not frequently. He hacked into my email and saw that my ex boyfriend and I were communicating. I had told him (ex) of the abuse. He was scared for me but lived several states away. He offered to send me a plane ticket with my son so I could flee. Well that correspondence led to an epic fight and I ended up stabbing him with a knife. After the aftermath I found out I was pregnant by him. He was happy and pleaded he would change and he loved me. Though we didn't physically fight often the mental abuse from us being physical kept me in line. We married when our son together was Almost 2. we had another child together right after. 

fter the birth of our second child my ex found me on FB. He came back to the state I lived after finishing medical school and looked me up. He stated he came back for me. I was married with 2 additional children. Occasionally we kept in contact and  flirted here and there over the past 8 years. In March of this year i slept with my ex boyfriend. It wasn't glamorous but we cried together and he held me. We still loved each other. It's July now and we have been communicating daily. He was always my best friend and loving. I have been distancing myself from my husband so I can transition out the relationship. Without setting him off. In April physically fought because he went in my FB and saw that my ex and I speaking. Nothing sexuL in the messages but he deemed them as cheating. I had bruises on my neck and arm. He threatened to kill me in front of mom and recently he left a message on my vmail that he watched me sleep and I was lucky that he didn't kill me then. Last night he told me he knows I'm cheating on him he has the text messages and the naked pictures we send through text. He also threatened me again. 

I feel stuck in the relationship. He has my children believing I am the bad one. My son stated to me that I should keep my mouth shut with daddy. He said to me daddy should have hit me. That sent chills down my spine. I know I need to get out. Having this affair is not only emotional but physical. I know I am wrong for the affair but I don't feel guilty. Morally I am wrong I know this. I am just afraid of making a sudden move and he snaps. He was really calm when he confronted me about my cheating. Too calm. It has me worried.