When I first got together with my man (let's call him Liu) it was like a real life fairytale. We sacrificed so much for each other, to start our own life together. He's smart, helpful, caring, handsome, never afraid to show emotions. I couldn't, and still can't, imagine anyone better than him. I feel "blessed" to have him. But his only flaw was a thing that hurt me for a while and still continues to do so at random times.... and it's also a thing that would hurt him if he know what I'd done as a reaction. Whenever he saw a girl with big boobs he would also point it out. Exhibit A) When he mentioned a funny Sofia Vergara video, the conversation took a turn to "she has big boobs". B)Said that maybe my boobs will get bigger after I have our baby. C) Talking about former co-workers and friends, he then felt the need to show me a picture of one female co-worker just to point out that she had huge boobs. Totally unnecessary. D) Points out that a certain tank top I wore that day made my boobs look bigger and then proceded to ask "Do you also like that it makes your boobs look better?" Ouch. E) While watching a movie, he said he thought the main actress had a nice body becuase "boobs and butt". Funny thing is my body was similar to hers minus the boobs, but he never said I had a nice body.... Now these situations happened within a 4 month period, but I've always been veeerrrrryyy insecure about my B cup chest and wished it was bigger, so the comments hurt! He did end up knowing that what he said made me upset after the last time situation because I snapped and we got into an argument over it. He apologized saying he didn't realize I'd take what he said wrong and he was only joking and he doesn't care about breast size. But I continued to get the feeling that he didn't find me sexually attractive. I'm very sexual, I like groping and some dirty talk. But he hardly seems to want sex or to see my body. I would get the feeling that whenever he'd see an attractive busty women he would regret me and/or secretly wished I looked like that.

Around the same time another guy (let's call him Xiao) was trying to get my attention though I would ignore him each time and he knew I was taken. One time I saw Xiao outside of work. It all goes down when he said "wow you're so pretty", proceeded to kiss me and move his hands all over my body. This was the sexual intimacy lacking with Liu. Xiao was handsome and nice (though not as handsome as Liu). I think I would have liked him had I been single. I knew I shouldn't have been doing that but I was like a ragdoll and let him have his way with me. I did get up a few minutes later to say I didn't want to continue. He said "10 more minutes please" and wouldn't let me walk away. He walked after me, cornered me against the wall, picked me up, threw me back down and got on top. After he finished I sat there crying, thinking to myself "What have I done?!!!!!!" Xiao tried to comfort me, apolgized, and helped me get dressed. I cried the whole time as I drove back home. I'll be honest and admit the sex did feel good, but the whole time I was wishing it was Liu who was like that with me instead!

Liu's words may have hurt me but my actions were worse. I have always been against cheating/lying (excluding people in abusive relationships who don't have the freedom and choice). I did something shameful I had always been against all because of jealousy. I don't feel like I got revenge. Instead I feel guilty, stupid, shameful, and no better. Liu has no clue any of this happened. He doesn't think I would have let something like this happen. On the same day the situation with Xiao happened, Liu left his job after a long stressful work week. He came home sad and tired. He caressed my face, hugged me and told me I meant the world to him and as long as I'm here everything is okay. He would be devastated if he knew. If time travel was a thing I would go back and erase that time with Xiao. I haven't seen Xiao again and I don't want to.