A few weeks ago I found text messages between my wife and some guy she went to high school with who she recently bumped into on a visit to her home town. Things had been pretty rocky for us over the last few months and there were things she wasn't getting from me emotionally as I tend to retreat inside myself and not open up when she needs me or when I need to talk to someone. We've been to marriage counseling and we've argued, talked, cried together and everything else. I believe I have had a hand in causing my wife to stray after months of begging me to open myself up to her in a way that she needs as well as being there for her when she needs me which I know for certain I haven't always been...After a few more talks and fights things actually started to get better. I started opening up and being there for her more and just all around a better husband and trust me, I had been quite shitty tho I NEVER even thought about cheating on her or ever lost love for her. I then planned a surprise birthday party for her and a bunch of her friends. She had no idea and was extremely happy I did it and told me it was the best birthday she's ever had and things like that are exactly what she's needed from me. Well, she got plastered that night and I drove us home. On the way she fell asleep texting someone and for whatever reason her phone never auto locked after the time period of inactivity the entire way home and it was at least a 20 min drive. I didnt even know her lock code at the time...I got curious and looked and found texts back and forth with the scumbag talking about wanting to "give her orgasms" and how she "can't wait to see him". Having been in a relationship with a heavy alcoholic before, I knew better than to try to wake her drunk ass up to pick a fight...I carried her upstairs and put her to bed where somehow I laid next to her all night staring at the ceiling and wall sick to my stomach. My stomach still turns as I write this...I had to work the next day so I went and left my phone in the car knowing I would receive texts like "I hope you have a great day!" And "I love you." I honestly didn't know how I would respond so I left it in the car...well when I left, I had about 15 calls from her and her best friend and texts from both saying the wife was worried about me and wife was going to get her hair done and she could bring me lunch and blah blah blah. I called her on my way home and told her to cancel her hair appointment and she better be home when I get there so we can talk. She asked if I was ok to which I replied "no, I am not. Be home when I get there. Bye." And I hung up without hearing her reply. I get home and immediately tell her to sit down and not to fucking touch me, and how could you, the whole 9...she didn't even try to rip into me for snooping just immediately started apologizing saying she is stupid and never should have said those things and she never would've gone through with it. After a couple hours of talking and crying and trying to figure it all out, things actually made a huge leap and became 1 million times better. I still have trouble trusting her, I don't entirely believe her when she says nothing happened between them, and although I think I know why it happened, I still don't fully understand...I am unsure how to move past the feelings of inadequacy, of distrust, of pain and remembrance of those messages...I am not a fighter but I still feel the rage necessary to render one unrecognizable to ones mother after the assbeating of a lifetime...I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling my wife can't be trusted and that she hasn't been entirely truthful with me. I hate feeling that she did or almost gave herself to someone else in the way only her and I should to one another. I hate feeling inadequate, even tho she assures me I am everything to her.  I hate feeling like I want to destroy another human with my bare hands...there are good days and bad. Days when I believe her beyond a doubt and I know she loves me. Then there are days when my stomach churns and I am sick questioning the unknown while trying to convince myself she told me everything and it's all been explained. I just want things to be better and easier. I don't want to always harbor this anger and this disgust and the feelings of sickness and devastation. I'm a normal guy and wanted to have sex with her all the time, so she didn't have to search for that elsewhere...she claimed she needed someone to be there for her emotionally which I admittedly was not, but why the sexual side with someone else? I don't want this to end our marriage, I love her more than I could ever express, but I don't know how to deal with this. I want help and/or advice. We are young, 29m and 26f, maybe that has to do with it. We've been together for 5 years married for 3. I want to say I've forgiven her, I just hope that time can help me to forget...although I'm sure I never will completely.