> My husband asked me to write our story to see
> what some other opinions about it might be, what others
> might do. The story, like other stories about cheating, must
> begin at the beginning of the marriage itself. I was 15 when
> I met my husband, who was 18. We met because he asked his
> sister to invite a friend over to give him some booty.
> Turned out to be me. I swore up and down I would not sleep
> with him. But I did. For over six hours. We bonded during
> that of course and I did not leave his side after that
> except for school hours. My mom did not like it at all, but
> had already made the mistake of letting me go unsupervised
> and having bad friends and so I was a wild child and
> basically uncontrollable. She ended up calling me in as a
> runaway many times, which my husband still has on his record
> and we always joke about how he married a runaway. He
> proposed to me after a year and in another year we were
> pregnant with our first child. Lots of sweet details, but
> I'll just get to the basics that are relevant. I first left
> the specialness of our relationship when he went to jail. It
> was before we married and I was desperately trying to raise
> money for his bail. His sister and mom were also, pawning
> things, borrowing money and everything we could think of. I
> tried to sell a bag of coke for my neighbor to get some
> money. I'm not the best salesperson. So he said if I slept
> with him he'd pay me $100. I was so young and stupid and
> wanted my guy back so bad, so I did it. Very shameful and
> disgusting, but I thought it would be worth it. I didn't
> tell him when he got out. Later he showed me a picture he
> drew in jail of a black man fucking me from behind from a
> dream he had. Needless to say it was exactly what happened
> and I confessed. It was very hard for him, but he held me
> and told me it was ok after venting his anger. He'd rather
> have stayed in jail for years then for that to have
> happened. We went on to get married and pregnant and moved
> out into our own place. We struggled, but love was all we
> needed. I ended up cheating on him with 5 different guys
> over the course of the next 3 years. It wasn't that I was
> unhappy with him, I just had no understanding of the
> seriousness of what I had done. I was a very damaged girl by
> the time he had met me, despite being so young. Daddy
> issues. Many older men had taken advantage of me and I had
> not even processed that til maybe 5-6 years after we had
> been married. I won't go into all the details of the
> 'affairs'. We met the LORD in a very serious and deep way.
> He saved us, me especially. Completely outside the context
> of church or religion. The Holy Spirit showed me I had to
> tell him everything I had done against our marriage. It was
> very difficult. He is a strong man, and very very loving.
> Somehow, with the grace of God we were able to move on and
> actually build a strong, healthy, proper marriage. I
> embraced my role as wife and mother. We had another child.
> God led us to move across the country to West Virginia. It's
> amazing the way God works when you submit to Him. Our whole
> life was completely given to Him and He used us mightily in
> so many ways. We had a daughter. Chapter 2: That was all
> back story. A family that God was using us to witness to had
> a nephew living with them. I had been given by the Holy
> Spirit a guard for my heart. I never ever became friends
> with any man. No hugging men, no texting men. I did not even
> shake hands with men at church. May seem extreme, but it was
> the best thing I have even been led to do. I wasn't
> interested any man ever coming close to me again other than
> my husband. Perhaps making up for all the specialness I had
> given away that should belong only to a husband in a perfect
> world. It helped build our trust back, restored, renewed. We
> both regretted not being able to be each others firsts. It
> made our relations so special, private, unique. Really
> turned a fire on and our sex life was healthy and loving and
> consistent. I don't show my hair in public either, which
> enhances sex also. He is the person who made me into a
> woman. He is my covering, my protector, my husband. I was a
> queen, honored and cherished wife. Something about a person
> seeing the best in you really helps to bring it out. I
> became a wonderful woman. I took care of everything and
> learned so much about caring for my family, treating them
> naturally instead of pharmaceutically. Light, love, trust,
> happiness, purity, wholeness, joy, an ability to help anyone
> who asked almost ever. I taught children's classes three
> times a week on top of homeschooling. And a weekly cleaning
> job which i could take the children to. I was experiencing
> something i never had before. Respect from men, an awe and
> respect when they saw me instead of that certain attention
> that men always had for me before. Everything happened at
> such a strange coincidence next. A nephew, like i said. I
> always took my friend wherever she asked, had her over for
> dinner, gave her money for electric bill and she listened to
> me tell about God's power in our life. Her bf yelled once in
> front of us about her unfaithfulness in vulgar words you can
> imagine. We went to change our babies diapers, which were
> the same age cuz we were pregnant at the same time and i
> told her so quickly "it's ok, i know what that's like, I've
> been there before and done those things." Which was shocking
> and unbelievable to anyone who knew me there and then. I was
> very modest and godly. And i asked her if she had been
> abused and she had. God saved me from that. I once gave a
> ride to that nephew. We talked and i felt this intense pain
> that was so familiar to me. I wanted so badly to reach out
> and share my healing with him. I gave him my number to call
> me when he was done to get picked up. I didn't realize it or
> write my name on it or think about it again. I started
> praying for him. Never saw him or anything. I didn't hang
> out with my friend because i was so very busy and we
> lived different lifestyles. I cried for him once while
> praying intensely. Somehow i believe that formed a bond in
> the spirit. He texted me weeks later to ask whose number it
> was that he found in his wallet. I really was so joyful to
> think God had opened this line of communication. I texted
> with him, but he said it had to be a secret because of his
> reputation with my friend and her bf, and because his
> situation was precarious as it was with them. I told him i
> didn't keep secrets and my husband would know, but i
> wouldn't tell his people. Once i came over and said loudly
> in front of his uncle "Remember when i gave you my number to
> pick you back up? Text me sometime and I'll send you such
> and such YouTube video about the giants and the bible". Then
> at least it wouldn't be a secret. Unfortunately, the uncle
> was playing video games and didn't hear. Secrets are bad for
> me, for any child of God. Which i am in a way ashamed of
> saying. Because of what comes next. I became divided in my
> heart. I texted with this"boy" every day for awhile. I told
> him why i do not become friends with men(my history) and i
> told him my testimony. We texted good morning and good night
> every day. Once when i came over i got to sit with him and
> see him, which i never did before because he had always been in
> his room during my short visits. Apparently i "looked" at
> him in a special way. Which maybe i did because i was thrilled in
> the most innocent way to be able to connect more. However, I didnt mean anything inappropriate by it. I love all
> people because they are created by God. I really showed that
> in my life and practiced loving people on a high level. I
> loved him. I shouldn't have texted with a man because i had
> that guard over my heart for a good reason. He noticed my
> look to me almost immediately after i left. Said "what did i
> get myself into, what are you going after?" Apparently i
> looked at him like a girlfriend would. I didn't mean to, I
> didn't realize it. I showed my husband the text messages
> when he got home and we talked about it. He told me the guy
> was probably wanting that and trying to make me think that.
> The text messages showed he was shocked that I would tell my
> husband I "looked" at another man. I texted that he knew my
> heart and I could never hide anything from him. He said he'd
> never do it and is not a home wrecker and if I had been
> trying to move on him he would have felt like telling my
> husband himself. Probably because he was afraid he really
> would see them. After showing my husband I wasn't sure if I
> should continue taking to him. Something wicked happened in
> me that night. I chose to keep taking to him despite my
> tugging in my heart that Knew better. I kept talking to him
> and in fact became intrigued with him. Started to be more
> playful and funny instead of just loving and trying to
> witness as the opportunities came. I began to delete certain
> messages and I responded to his hinting of sexual
> frustration with questions. Questions that were none of my
> business. And when it came up that maybe my husband wouldn't
> like us talking about that we swore to secrecy. He said he
> wouldn't pursue me, and he would only respond to my
> questions. And he would never touch me(not that we would
> ever ever have a chance to between my kids and his
> situation). We weren't even really taking dirty to each
> other at that point, just talking about inappropriate
> things. It slowly grew into more inappropriate and I was
> soon deleting most of the messages, leaving only a few
> innocent ones to carry the pretense of friendship. I got
> distracted to say the least. Distracted from my duties
> and role of mother, teacher, and wife. My sex life with my
> husband was still wonderful, I didn't feel lacking. I did
> feel lonely at times and hadn't realized it because of my
> husband working and the way life can become a grind. I was
> stuck in a routine rut. I can see so many things now that
> built up to this. I was responsible for so many things and
> people and I didn't take time for myself. I was pregnant
> again also. I didn't realize the pressure I was feeling. Not
> justifying my actions, just reflecting on what possibly
> could have led to such an extreme as adultery. I got to the
> point of meeting him at his work and we had sex in my car. I
> had sex with him again about a week later when my friend
> asked me to help her take her boys to school because they
> missed the bus and they're wasn't enough room in the car for
> all our kids, so I waited at the house and my kids played
> outside. We had not planned that. He pretty much stopped
> texting me after that day. I had gotten to this point over
> time and wearing away of the guard that was on my heart. I
> wanted to reach out and love this person with godly love,
> but it turned into lust and I disregarded my moral compass.
> My heart deceived me, it is deceitful above all things. Thus
> the pain I felt when he cut it off so abruptly. I was
> devastated, crushed, hurt. Then the guilt in top of that. I
> betrayed the one person who gave me dignity. I betrayed my
> children. I betrayed my king. I am a fallen woman. The
> consequences of my stumbling are still playing out, the
> crumbling bricks of the family and home we built still
> tumbling. I told my husband. I was waiting to tell him,
> looking for a good time and opportunity. There never is a
> good time for that. I looked on the internet for how to
> tell. Wait til you have time, do out in absolute privacy,
> ect. He rhetorically asked me "when's the last time either
> of us went outside our relationship for that (sex)?" I broke
> down right there and told him, we were alone at home in the
> evening. Kids in bed. He knew who it was of course before
> the name even left my lips. We have been suffering the
> consequences. He has obviously suffered alot from me
> breaking his heart again, and we are realizing that we never
> addressed these things before, we buried them under the
> foundation of our "new" marriage since meeting the LORD. Our
> life is falling apart, people who looked up to us don't know
> what to think. He may divorce me, but is very unsure. I told
> him I will follow him in whatever decision he makes. I
> stumbled and have not made this into my lifestyle. We lost
> his job, have taken on 6 family members into our 2 bedroom
> while they look for a place here in WV. They moved from CO
> because of us, to be with us because we are so strong and
> godly and stable. I ruined a lot. Let alot of people down.
> It hurts way more than I ever thought I could bear. I
> confessed to the pastors wife at the church I was teaching
> at and have resigned there and at the co op I was teaching
> at. Many people know this time, and before we buried it all
> and no one knew. Now everyone knows because I can't bear the
> deceit to people who believed how godly I was. It's almost
> like the devil is laughing that I never really changed. But
> I know I did because I am not the same person. I can't
> keep in that sin. I don't know how I could do it. The only
> thing that ever freed me before was compete honesty and
> that's a thing you cannot fake. I got scabies, poison ivy,
> razor burn all at the same time. Consequences. He said I should go to CO
> for awhile to help the family that moved with us to drive in
> and give us a break and time to think. My punishment is so
> great. So heavy and I know I deserve it. He cannot be close
> to me right now, which I understand. But we haven't been
> apart since we began and I feel like a child alone and
> scared and really really wish I had a time machine. My baby
> is due soon. I don't know how to keep our family together
> when I was the foolish woman who tore it apart with her very
> own hands. He isn't sure if we should continue being married
> since this is the one thing the bible excuses divorce for.
> It's awful for both of us. The aftermath is devastating.
> Lost everything (maybe) for nothing. Not only did I not
> witness to this boy, I showed him the opposite of God. I
> demonstrated the power of sin, not the power of holiness and
> righteousness. So now if he burns in hell, it's possibly
> because I was a hypocrite. I've become the worst thing:
> adulteress. And our beautiful marriage will be over. The
> work we were doing for the LORD will be over. Everything
> beautiful and redeeming about our story is smashed. Our
> children.... Will be broken. I didn't think through how very
> shattered everything would become when I selfishly pursued
> my own lust with another lost and hurting person. I wanted
> to heal him and make him feel better, but only God can do
> that. Not a woman. And I have no power to heal my own
> husband because I am the one who hurt him. I have tried so
> hard to be the perfect wife and love him and respond to his
> every need. To make up for the wrong I did before. To
> perfect my skills at everything in the house, and to grow
> and love our children. To become valuable as a woman, an
> asset, a jewel. I have broken my crown and came tumbling
> down. No way to recover. He doesn't know what to do because
> he never wanted to experience this again, and he also sees
> the value in our family. He loves me so much that he is more
> hurt by me being gone than by what I did. It's really hard
> for him to make a decision. So I'm just being patient, even
> though it's awful to wait and expect a divorce or an effort
> to rebuild. With the family living with us, and our rented
> home about to be sold to someone else, and his job closing,
> and the house we bought that needs a lot of work to be
> livable, there is to much going on for us to be able to
> reasonably split. So maybe he will divorce me at tax season
> when he has enough money. Until then I will try to be
> valuable and serve him in any way I can right now. Focus
> again on my children and my home. Try to heal the brokenness
> in my heart and fix whatever led to that terrible judgement
> call. I will never let the guard on my heart down again.
> Even if he divorces me. I don't want that life ever again
> that I lived before. I know I am still a child of God, thus
> all the chastisement in my body. A righteous man stumbles
> seven time but each time gets back up. I hope somehow our
> story can be used by Him, although I don't see how right
> now. So here we hang in the balance of time, the decision
> resting on his shoulders and so many lives waiting on
> it.
