I've been with my wife for seven years and married for three.  She is what many people would call a difficult person.  Bossy, bitchy, and demanding.  In retrospect I should have never married her, but I guess the subconscious feeling was always something like "breaking up will be easier and less painful later on down the road." Well, as anyone with half a brain can tell, that isn't the case.  In fact the opposite is true.  I do have feelings for her and she definitely has her fair share of redeeming qualities.  I really can't stand the idea of causing her pain.  I'm not sure if the feeling I have for her would be considered love (at least in the marital) sense at this point.  

I keep finding myself looking at other women and trying to get as close to that line of "cheating" without crossing it.  I guess in my book I already have at least once though many people probably wouldn't agree.  I met a beautiful woman that I interacted with through work on a semi regular basis.  We ended up texting a lot.  Nothing was ever sexual, but it definitely got to the point where I didn't want my wife to find out.  I cut the contact off when I realized where things were heading.

Throughout my relationship I keep meeting women who make me think "she would be such a better fit for me" or "I can't believe how fun she is compared to my wife."  Also let's face it, even though we have sex fairly regularly, I'm so tired of the same body in bed I barely get anything out of it.

Last night was the worst yet.  As I went out with some of my friends, I met a new acquaintance.  She seemed so amazing.  Stunning looks, a wonderful personality and very intellectually stimulating.  She seems like a perfect match.  It's taking everything I have to not follow up with her and pursue something.

I'm scared to admit, but the problem ultimately lies with me.  Although I'm sure that there are many women out there who are realistically much better suited for me, I know that marriage difficult for everyone and a large part of its responsibility lies in working through problems as opposed to jumping to new ones.

Still though, I mourn my life that could have been.  I feel like I robbed myself of any chance to be truly happy when I married the woman I did.  I feel like somewhere out there my one true love is out there and I missed my chance.  Worse off, I feel like I've let my one true love down by not waiting to find her.  My one true love might be the beautiful woman I met last night, but I guess I'll never know.  I texted the woman I met last night briefly today, and in the back of my head I'm already scheming of ways to interact with her again.  I am a terrible person.

I feel riddled with guilt. I feel very lonely in this marriage and yet I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility to honor my vows.  I'm so conflicted that it consumes me.

I think that perhaps I am (and have always been) addicted to heartache for some unfathomable reason.  I have no idea why I feel the need to post this now, I already pay a therapist who's job it is to help me fix these problems. 

Here's to the nights
We felt alive
Here's to the tears
You knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon