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What do I do..

My wife cheated on me

Saturday, August 27, 2016 4:52 PM by Guest Rating: +32|-6

Damn, I never thought I would be writing on a forum like this. But here I am. I apologize for this extremely long post but I definitely need to vent. I am 23 year old male. Let me tell you a little bit about us...we met in the 3rd grade and became best friends, and we finally dated in 2009 for 3 years before getting married in 2012. So we've been together for over 7 years. I may sound like a total square but I kinda saved myself for that special girl throughout school. I have this weird thing where sex always just seemed 'sacred' and she said she felt the same way so we were both virgins. Honestly I'm questioning whether she really was but anyways... I had multiple chances to get with girls during high school, and like a dumbass I rejected them and stayed faithful to my girlfriend. Same thing when I first attended college. We have a 4 year old daughter and twins, a boy and girl who are about to be 1. We've had our shares of problems throughout the years but we've always talked things through and we both used to share our views on infidelity and how that is never...NEVER okay. Our friends and family all have some history of cheating and we swore we would never be like them.

Well my wife woke me up this morning crying and told me we needed to talk. Shes goes on to say she cheated on me about a month ago, and apparently the other guy's wife found out and called her this morning, letting her know that she was pregnant and how my wife wrecked their family and house. I knew something was going on with her, I had that gut feeling everyone always talks about. We've been having some problems lately mainly due to lack of money, big bills, and the struggles of having kids. She said she's been so depressed lately that this guy started talking to her and apprently made her feel good, and she ended up falling for him. So one day while I was at work (I work from 2pm to 4am, and it really doesn't help that I've been working extra for overtime - just made it easier I guess) she has her mom or sister watch the kids and she goes out to meet this guy, who really lives about 40 miles away and but he came down to meet her. They go to a housing development and park somewhere, and she gets in his truck and I guess they start making out. She swears she had no intentions on doing stuff that she just wanted to hang out but I know that's bullshit. Well one thing leads to another and they fuck. She tells me that it only lasted a minute, like thats supposed to help make me feel better. I ask her tons of questions, everything from why to what happened before and after and how she could just keep that a secret. She tells me she doesn't want to seperate, that she doesn't want to divorce and that she doesn't want to leave the house. That she loves me. It's all bullshit. We all go through problems. We all experience stress, anxiety, depression, etc while in relationships and there were several things we could have to prevent that. We always said we had this relationship where we can tell each other everything, but she failed to communicate her interest in another man. I know I haven't been perfect, I've been pretty down myself due to my career and this financial crisis we've been under. Just some insight, last week we had 32 cents in the bank... 32 fucking cents with 3 kids. A lot of the money goes to bills (obviously) and my wife's unecessary spending which we always fight about. Anyways.. sorry to get off topic.

I don't know what to do... I haven't eaten, I haven't slept. I'm probably going to overdose on caffeine. I have a constant sharp pain in my chest but I basically feel numb everywhere else. I told her that we were gonna seperate for a while and see what happens from there. I missed work today because I couldn't imagine being stuck there feeling like this. I really don't have anyone to talk to, I try to not bug my friends about my issues because they're all facing problems themselves. I usually keep my problems to myself. But I need some advice from people who've been through this... I don't feel like hurting myself or anything even though I did make some dents in the walls. I have so much anger in me I can't help it. I want to go find that guy and gouge his damn eyeballs out but the "good" in me is preventing me. I plan on seeing a psychiatrist during the week. I'm trying to stay sane for my kids but... this is just too hard. I basically saved myself for her and gave her everything I had. I missed out on fun opportunities with friends and family as a teenager because I chose to spend all my time with her. And it was all for nothing... Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Tags: Daughter; Divorce; Kids; Teenager;

Thank you for voting.


Monday, August 29, 2016 11:01 AM

So you said you had questions about her being a virgin when you got married.  do you think  that some guy fucked her before you were married

Monday, August 29, 2016 3:03 PM

I was once in your shoes, leave her. Every second spent feeling sad, unconfortable, hurt, unhappy, betrayed is your life the only one life you have being wasted. Trust me when I say that I know what it feels like. I felt like my entire life lost its meaning when my best friend and fionce and of 6 years cheated on me. Everything, every plan in my life, every objective, every thought was created around her and I. Your wife may have border line personlaity disorder, mine did. She would have kept it from you if the wife of that man had not found out. These blows damage a good man and right now you probalby have a difficult time even forming thoughts, the thought of such a dractic change, all the uncertainties. But trust me mate, focus on your health and your craft, the fullfilment of becoming the you you dream of is more fulfilling than any relationship, to many of us let relationships define us. When you get where and become who you want to be you wil meet someone there. Or even before, I joined and online dating site eharmony and match with no expectations, created a great profile saying eveything, feelings, objectives, what I can offer what I cant, why I feel the way I do, what Id love, what happened to me etc and now Im with someone how makes me feel as though my X's infedility was a gift. I promise you, move on. Sometimes love is not enough, Loving someone and being in love is two different things. Only until a person who feels the pain of loss after cheating will those impulses of thrilling new attraction and mystery be acompanied by such a deep fear of loss that those feelings instantly turn to replusion.

She had endless opportunities to remove him from her life and her from his and she did not do it. Do not waste anymore of your life on her. She knew she was betraying you. You were facing the same difficulties and were not drowining your issues in indulgencies and sex or lusting after the thousdands of gorgeous woman every where, you upheld your vows. She did not and now she must face the consequences.  Fix you, work hard, work diligently, seek support. There are quite a few support groups in major states.

In time you will relaize that a new life will take shape.

Monday, August 29, 2016 11:57 PM

If you love her, make a conscious decision and "forgive her". Forgiveness means you don't hold it against her of remind her of this. Statistics show, unreservedly, that couples who can work through these types of situations have better marriages than before. I'm not suggesting it's an easy process, but if your wife is truely sorry for her actions and your prepared to work through your relationship to get to the other side you can have a better marriage than you've had before.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016 12:13 PM

Don't give up first, try to check yourself first. Every problem in marriage is involved two people. If your wife cheated on you, you should think first why did it happen? Maybe she really stressed and feeling insecure? And suddenly this jerk coming and try to get your wife? Many possible reasons dude, but again you are the one who know your wife the most. We're here has no right to judge, but from your story i still can see that there are something that you still can fight for. You have children and you have a wife that brave enough to confess her mistake. At least do appreaciate her efford. 

Dude i will easily say to divorce her, but in your case maybe you still able to work on it before take the final decision. NOW focus on your carrier and your availability for your family. Your working hour don't help at all , it makes you both lack of communication. 

Don't give up, back to your sense and open your laptop start to look for better job and get side job if you need it. But at least commit 1-2 days holiday in a week for your family and try so hard to look for job in that the workinh hour is in appropriate time. 

Try to spare your time for her and ask anythinh that still you hold inside and don't forget to pray in every action that you take. Let you get the wise decision at the end

Tuesday, August 30, 2016 3:14 PM

You should probably try to work it out with her. She must agree to never take a single step Dow the road to infidelity again. No male friends, no nights out with the girls, no step at all toward infidelityher on total restrictions . She should give you that freely without having to talk her into it. If she gives you any resistance, don't try to Change her mind, just start making plans to leave.  You can't keep her on total restriction forever, but if she won't agree to it, then she doesnt have the right mindset to make this work. It probably won't work out, but it's worth trying. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2016 6:45 PM

Okay, you and your wife are very young to have three kids and a big ball of stress. That is enough to make people do stupid escapist stuff. I am old enuogh to be your father, so listen to me: you do not have just a damage wife that broke her marriage vows, you also have three kids that when you fathered them and brought them into this world you made each a Vow. That vow was the act of fathering them. It may not have been verbal but it is more powerful than words. You have to do the best for your kids. That means different things for different situations. You have to figure this out for your situation. It sounds like you need to stay married to your idiot wife. Worse, you need to show her respect and even some love for the kids sake. You may find that your relationship never recovers to what it was before, but this is common for most marriages even without cheating. So, YOU do the right thing! Take care of your kids and their mother. Explain that her misbehavior stops now. She has to tell your family and her family what she did so they can keep an eye on her. The new rule is that she has to clear her schedule with you. Her freedom to shit on her family is over. Then you try to find a better job. You ask for help! When the twins make it to nursery school send them full time and get your wife a job. Hold the shit down. Spend a lot of time with your kids, you never know what the future will hold. When the youngest turn 18, if things with your wife are still shit, flush the turd. PS be careful with your finances in preparation for a possible divorce.  

Tuesday, August 30, 2016 11:55 PM

Thanks everyone for the advice. I really do appreciate it. I've decided to work things out with her. I sat her down and her confess EVERYTHING that happened between her and that fuckface. I found out that this douchebag apparently is a cop who hd pulled us over about 4 months ago and my wife was driving so he ended up remembering her name and adding her on FaceBook, slowly sweet talking to her and gaining her trust. She swears that she tried talking to me and I only made things worse. Lately I've taken up my passion again, which is composing music after dropping it for a whole year while I worked 2 jobs, averaging 80-85 hours a week to save up back when we found out we were having two babies. Well I guess I started focusing too much on my projects and I didn't give her enough attention or affection and apparently that guy made her feel good and could relate because he said he was divorcing his wife. Turns out he has 2 kids and one on the way as well...

I'm not perfect, I'm far from it but I tried to spend most of my time with my family, I have a great relationship with my kids and I thought I had one with my wife even though some fights would break out every now and then. Anyways, she confessed to everything and I am grateful she did. She swears she's sorry and that she's willing to do anything to save our marriage. She called him and told him she was going to work on our marriage and that what they did was a mistake and she deleted him completely from her phone and changed her number. I'm going to counseling to finally get some help. I've still been pretty messed up from all this though. I can't eat or sleep and I'm starting to experience several health issues due to it. We're slowly working things out so I hope everything works out in the end and we can be a family again.

Saturday, September 3, 2016 7:02 AM

I cried

Saturday, September 10, 2016 6:39 AM

I agree with Summers.  I know you have kids, but in the long run you will be better off.  Actually you should figure out how to get the kids and the house.  Go see a lawyer.

If she has borderline personality disorder (my wife does and life is miserable) she will never get better.  She will say she wants you but then do things tht are contrry to what she says.  She will say she understands about not overspending then she will over spend.  It took me 30 years to get out from under massive credit card debt because of her. She will say she will never cheat and then she will cheat.  In her mind it isn't cheating if she doesn't think it is....

Wednesday, September 14, 2016 12:38 AM


Since my last update, things have gotten worse. At first it all seemed okay, I told her I wanted to focus on building up our friendship before working on our marriage and she kind of agreed (not really) but she totally changed her attitude and was being really nice. We agreed to tell each other EVERYTHING and we we're working on effectively communicating our feelings. She always made comments about how she felt like she was just getting stringed along. We went to marriage counseling, enjoyed some time doing some activites as friends and even went on a date which was fun. But things took a turn.. On the same day we went on our date (about 4 days ago) I agreed to stay at her place so we could all sleep together in the same room (the kids and us two). I woke up after an hour of sleep and had a bad feeling, the same kind of feeling I've had before. So I decide to go with my gut this time and go through her phone. I found a pic of her and one of her guy friends together at midnight on a day I was at work, she never told me they hung out so I go through my messages and find our conversations from the same date (also about a month ago) and it was a night she text me and said she was tired and was going to go to bed early and she never wrote me back or answered my calls afterwards. That's not even the worse part... I went through her email and found that she was still talking to this piece of shit dude she had an affair with... When she swore she cut all ties with him! I'm devastated.. the pain of betrayal was there again and now I'm done. It hurts so much to let her go but I don't deserve this, there's absolutely no trust with this woman anymore. I'm focusing on getting my head straight and becoming a better person all around after this experience, and then I will dedicate my life to my children and be the best dad I can be. Also want to add that I contacted the police department where this douche bag works, told them what happened and how this guy abused his power to get at my wife, and I had an interview with the Lt. of Internal Affairs this morning. He told me this situation makes the Chief sick and that they'll do everything they can to resolve this issue. Hope he gets what he deserves. I still feel really down, but I'm feeling a lot better than the past couple of weeks. Thanks everyone for the advice.

Saturday, September 17, 2016 8:45 PM

Your story is just sad. Been there though. I get how you feel. Your kids are your world, not your wife. She was a mistake. We all make mistakes. You live by your mistakes, not die by them.. She chose her path, it's time for you to choose yours.

You'll alright brotha. Wake up in the morning and think about your kids, not anyone else. Make them your world. Better yourself for them, better your career for them. You're still young, you'll be good. You need to stay away from her as much as possible though. Time to cut all contact. There is nothing there.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017 12:01 PM

update please


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