Do you have kid(s)?  That'll complicate the issue...

Let's talk about protecting yourself first: I take it you're having birth control?  And maybe you want to test any STI?

To tell or not to tell, it is a question.  I'm wondering though: in your opinion, how likely he will find out if you don't tell him?

First of all, get checked for an STD ...

Never tell to your husband, it`s just one night stand, in a few time you forget, if you tell him, he will never forget

I have gone for both tests. I'm not that irressponsible. I was fine on both accounts, I know I got lucky.

I still don't know if I will say anything. I do have a lot of guilt though. I tend to agree that it's not fair to withhold it. But I can't seem to find the right words.

Glad you got checked and nothing came up. Honesty is almost never easy, but it's the only way to make a relationship work in the long run. Things left unsaid and emotions unexpressed will inevitably bubble to the surface, and the longer it takes the more unpleasant it is to deal with them. Be strong, be true to your values, and put the truth out there. The bond between two people who genuinely care for one another is surprisingly fierce.a123

I guess I'm going to come clean. I couldn't go to work today because I felt like I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I don't think our marriage had any serious issues until this, I think I have some of my own with anxiety about aging but my husband has been supportive, which makes it even worse. I am very remorseful, I just hope that he understands that I'm sorry for what I did and couldn't be more. I keep reading these horrible things online that basically say, "if you were sorry you wouldn't have done it." How can anyone be sorry for something they didn't do?

I really don't know how I'm supposed to start so I suppose the worst part first. After that, I just don't know. Like how much I need to say. I doubt he will just let me off with just "it happened". The truth is that I don't even know why it happened or how to answer that when he asks. I've been trying to think of why and I'm not sure there is a good answer. I never thought I would be a cheater and even almost two weeks after it feels like it wasn't me on that bed even if I know it was.

I don't know what to say if he asks other stuff too. How much is full disclosure and at what point is it cruelty? Or is it worse if he doesn't ask anything? I'm not really looking for answers here more just putting my thoughts out there to organize some form of courage.

How would you feel if your husband did the same. You do know why u did it. Only YOU KNOW WHY.  I mean come on drinks at a hotel bar LOL.  Telling the guy  im staying at this hotel, ALONE. He took the chance and you took it. Simple as that. You wanted to cheat the second he was in the room. Marriage doest mean shiiit if you CHEAT fucking PERIOD. Ik youre not going to tell your husband what happened.  Most likely youll keep it to yourself and do it again .Smh. Even when men cares for their women etc etc (In Vice versa ) Its never enough.  

Do not tell him. If you do, he would have wished you hadn't. Trust me on this. It was a mistake on your part, and you have learned a lesson about your own boundaries. It really doesn't have much to do with him, so do him a favor and leave him out of it. The fact that you regret this, and agonize over it, feeling guilty toward your husband means that you in fact are a loving, caring wife with a conscience. Now please stop punishing yourself and let it go. You are a good person. This one action doesn't define who you are. 

Things are ok I guess. I confessed to the whole thing on Saturday. Saying he got a little upset would be an understatement. I think he called me every name there is for whore, I didn't like it but I didn't really fight back either, I knew he would be upset. At least I took the kids to my mom's before I said anything. I was very emotional and had a hard time expressing myself which made the whole thing worse. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I do feel like I had to so I don't regret that. I really don't know what will happen. We slept in different rooms on Saturday but he joined me in the guest room late on Sunday night and woke up there. We haven't said much of anything to each other since the fight and I don't want to bring it up but I also don't want to just keep going on like everything got resolved. All the anxiety and guilt that I had seems to be more just sadness now. I didn't expect it to be easy so it's just day by day now. 

More importantly, do you think your husband will be willing to go to marriage counseling with you?

If I was your husband, "it just happened" certainly would not be an acceptable answer. If you cannot figure out, or honestly tell your husban, why you cheated, how can he have any confidence that you will not do it again? You flirted with someone who is not your husband. That, to me, crosses a line. I don't feel comfortable doing anything with another woman that I would not do in front of my wife. Once it was clear that his intentions were sexual, you should have shut it down. The main point, however, is that the sex did not "just happen". At some point, you made a decision to sleep with the guy. Why you made that choice, when you say you love your husband and family, is what you need to figure out, possibly with the help of a counselor. Yes, the taboo of cheating is exciting, but you resisted the urge on previous occasions, so why not on this one? You said that the fling made you feel "free." I suspect this is closer to the truth that you are hiding from yourself. You have responsibilities as a mother and wife that may weigh on you more than you are willing to admit. You knew you were married. From the way you described it, the guy knew you would sleep with him even before you got to your hotel room, so you probably made the decision to cheat before that point. What was going through your head? If you told your husband that you want to go to counseling to try to figure out why you made the decision to cheat that might give him more confidence that you will not do it again the next time you are out of town and bored. As it is, I would not trust you enough not to worry that you will tempted by the next charming guy who comes across your path.

God bless us people. If you love someone just love that person everyday more and more. Its not childish its just love people. Read the bible and praise the lord. Live in harmony and it all will be good!

Proud of you mommy. Next time dont fuck a stranger, I hope you realize that you did just destroy your tons of year of love aura. Since now welcome to the second life. Watch out there folks. Love your loved ones and live the life!

peace out!

God protect all the children

Dios Bendishona tur hende! Dushi -xxx-

Things have setttled down a bit I guess. He doesn't want to talk about it much, but things feel sort of normal. He said he would go to therapy, but then he wouldn't go if the therapist is a woman and then he wouldn't go if it's a man; seems like it has to be a woman over 60 or he won't go. This sort of limits the options. I don't really get it, I'm the one who cheated I should be embarrassed. It's not that I'm not embarraased but a therapist is a professional, they see this all the time. In any case he has nothing to be embarrassed about. But I feel like I'm inviting a fight if I bring it up and he seems content not to bring it up but I can see it being something worse if we don't find a way to communicate about it and really leave it behind.

Not sure what I can do. It's not really something that can be taken back.

forgiveness is very hard, revenge is easier, you will experience his innate character of as a result of this crisis but only time will tell which direction it chooses

Listen, promiscuity is fine. If you and your husband are the type that talk about fantasies, tell him. If you don't speakof these things, then don't tell him and DO NOT feel guilty. It's difficult to keep faithful to just one person your whole life IF you have opportunities when apart from your significant other for more than a day or more. The daily grind is one thing, but when you go away for a few days for whatever reason, if it happens it happens. ENJOY the experience. You don't say if protection was used. THAT could be a disaster in more than a pregnancy.

I can't post comments properly

e.g., I don't want to know and I don't care vs. is he better at sex?  Is he bigger?  Last longer?  You climax?  How many times? All the painful comparisons

Does your husband has anything to do with the fact that you cheated?  If not, you have to let him know that.  Did you let him know that?

To answer your question about still wanting to be married to your husband:  No, it doesn't say anything about you likiing what you do in bed.  In his mind, if you liked what you were doing in bed you wouldn't have gone elsewhere.  Your husband wants information so he can determine what course of action he wants to take.  Your refusal to give him that information indicates a lack of transparency, which in turn suggests dishonesty.  And dishonesty will certainly kill any chances of salvaging your relationship.  He's probably feeling that he's been conned for the last 16 years, and your refusal to provide the answers he's seeking will suggest that you want to keep the con going.

You say that giving him the information will be more hurtful to him.  I think you're worried more about yourself and the discomfort it's going to cause you.  It's not about you anymore.  The ball is in his court now.  You need to start being honest with him if want any hope of staying in the game.

I agree that for your husband, knowing all the details in fact might not be good for himself.  But I don't think you're in a position of judging what he think/do.  You can let him know about your concern (it's for his own good, and you understand his being so hurt), but it's up to him to decide.  

So did he really ask for details?

Also, you can't blame him if he becomes vindictive (unless, of course, he starts to hurt you physically), for example, he asks for a divorce, or he starts his own affair.  It might not be smart, might not be rational, it's damaging to this marriage (AND maybe the kids too), but at the moment you had another man, you lost the right of telling him "you shouldn't do that"

You can say "one night doesn't wipe out 16 years," but from another angle, he can also say "so 16 years isn't enough for you to stop seeking the one night?" Again, it's not a healthy thought, it's irrational, but it's raw emotion and you can't judge him for thinking that way (if that's what he thinks).  Remember: right now you're the one at fault, you have to be prepared for his all kinds of emotions if you want to save this marriage.

Hi Mich - I was where your husband is now 15 months ago....My wife of 20 years had a ONS on a business trip under almost the same circumstances. She told me about 1 month after it happen. Very sorry and still loved me. It took me almost 4 months to want to know all the details of that night, until then so also thought things were back to normal - but they were not at all. All thr things Jo said he might be feeling are true and I felt them all - and still do....I wish I can tell you it worked out but it took me 8 months to realize I could not stay with my wife and filed for divorce...She was shocked due to the fact I did say I would forgive her, but did not mean I would stay with her as her husband any longer....We are in  the middle of a divorce and  I can barely look or talk to her anymore. Sorry to say its sounds like you do not know or understand how your husband is feeling.

I'm really sorry that this happened to you JP. I'm not trying to defend myself or anyone's behavoir. It was a very selfish thing to do. Would you have rather she just didn't say anything and pretended nothing happened?

It's hard position for me to be in right now too. If I do just say everything there are still stigmas about women enjoying sex. If he has cheated it would be assumed that he enjoyed at least the sexual aspect. For me, I'm supposed to say it felt awful and that he is the only one that can do that in a way that feels good to me. If I do say that he may not believe me and with good reason it would be a lie. But it's not a lie that I am truly sorry about what I did it's not a lie that I love him. I don't know what he could gain by knowing. I had sex with someone and I feel awful about it. Is he looking to punish me by making me confess more? He asked if there was oral and a few other things but that upset me and I haven't said anything yet.

And I know that I am in the wrong but I'm not about to wear a letter my whole life at some point we need to get past it or get a divorce. Although neither of us have used that word or anything close to yet. He still tells me that he loves me and we both know how much we love the kids. I don't think there is any one way to get through anything like this and I don't think everyone does or that everyone fails to.

JP I am really sorry for the pain that people like me inflict and I hope that new doors open to you.

Mich, 

You need to talk to a professional. Even if your husband will not go it can help you to understand what you can do to save your marriage. 

T

And I see your point, Mich; if you tell your husband the sex is awful you're lying; if you tell him it's good it hurts more.  You don't want to lie, but you don't want to hurt him either.  I think that's why you have to go to counseling together asap.  In a safe and non judgmental environment with counselor's skills, hopefully you together can sort it out.

But don't judge him when he asks.  It's very natural.  I think he'll keep asking for a long time--even if he's not asking you.

Indeed this world has double standard on women--men who play around are studs, women who play around are sluts.  People might be even more forgiving to men who cheat: "Oh, he's just being a man."  "It's just sex."  On the other hand, however, in your case you probably don't want to bring this up.  Cheating, no matter done by men or women, is still perceived as wrong.  You said you're not wearing a letter for your whole life, actually... unfortunately it'll always be there.  I hate to say that, but from now on, in your bed there are 3 people: your husband, you, and the ghost of the man you had the affair with.  But don't be despair; right now you both should start learning to cope and deal with it, if love is still there.  With counseling I believe the hope is there.  It'll take a while, but I know some do overcome.  

Hi Jo - Thank you for the kind words. I have a 18 year old daughter and she knows it all...Her relationship with her Mom is not good at all because of what she did. I tell her her Mom loves her and it was not about you - but she disagrees , she says she cheated on us both.

I will not start any new realtionships until the divorce is final ( within 2 months ) plus 6 months...I need space to heal and calm my inner storm....

Guest "T" has some good point.  T, hope all is well with you.  It must be tough... how do you go by all these years?  You said you're "not over it," but I assume your relationship with your wife now is a loving one? 

JP, you advise Mich to tell her husband all the details, this I'm not so sure... I think it's probably better for them to go to professional and being handled there.  But I see your point, she has to be honest.  Mich, I think you can be honest on telling your husband the potential damages for knowing all tiny details, and suggest that it to be handled in counselor's office.

I also hope there're women sharing their opinions.  We are all men, we might have some potential biases.  However, Mich, I believe we're all here to give you the best wishes.  Hope everything is well with you and your family.

Guest - I agree with what you say about being honest with a professional being there. I was not clear, the story changed in therapy many times as my wife did not disclose one big fact till many weeks in therapy.

Mich,

i don't think he is asking for details to punish you. After my wife confessed to me and professed her love and contrition it was so difficult to understand how she coud love me and sleep with someone else. I wanted to believe her but I could not understand how it was possible to love me and do such a thing. I wanted information to figure it out. I wanted desperately to believe her but I needed to convince myself it was possible to do what she did and still love me.

Of course your husband knows you got pleasure doing it - it was sex and sex is pleasurable. I wanted to know if he was "better" in bed than me but did not want to ask directly so I asked piecemeal questions. I suspect your husband wants to hear that the sex was a dud and that the guy was a two pump chump. He is likely hoping that it was just ok/good but nothing extraordinary. He is likely afraid that is was great, mind blowingly hot and better than any thing you two have shared. If the sex was better - multiple climaxes, he was bigger, lasted longer, etc. 

You said in your first post you wanted him to know the truth so he could decide if he still wanted you. If you tell him the sex was better than with him he is more likely to not be able to deal with it. Your his wife he wants you to love him more than anyone else and he wants you to want to have sex with him more than anyone else. 

I got a lot of details that now I wish I didn't know. I understand now that it wasn't about me. But at the time it felt completely like it was all about me. understanding it was about her issues not my inadequacy made/makes it easier. But 23 years later and I still think about it virtually every time we have sex. It is sad but I have to think about it. At first I could not get it out of my mind so I made it into a fantasy to get turned on by the idea of her being fucked by someone else. 

It is is sad because I know the intimacy of the act is not what it would be otherwise. We have good sex but I do not know if we make love. I had to seaperate the idea of sex and love to accept what she did. If sex is about love and she fucked someone else how could it be that she loved me? 

You can rebuild trust, but he will never forget. To my wife it's ancient history. A poor choice she made when she was a young wife. For me it is an old wound that lingers on and will likely always be there. But my wife and I are still together and happy. We have three kids now. None when it happened so we didn't stay together for them. Will your husband get this messed up over this? I hope not. I have shared the deapth of my pain so that you realize that this can be hard. Harder than you might realize.

I don't know if that helps but that was my experience.

Let us know how this plays out. I will be very sad if you guys can not get past this. A loving family is a beautiful thing. If your husband loves you and if you follow his timetable. It will take time. You can not have a husband who loveS you, takes fidelity seriously and who just shakes something like this off quickly. Patience may be more important than honesty. 

Don't let him treat you badly. The first time you told him the barrage of insults was to be expected, and taken. But his feeling bad or depressed about this, his not letting go is not the same as treating you badly. Don't assume his actions are meant to punish you. They might be but give him the benefit of the doubt. That is part of doing what you can to save your marriage. 

And above all, get help from a professional. My wife fucked a guy 24 years ago and I still am not over it so what do I know?

T

I don't know what I thought but I didn't think he was insecure. I figured he would be mad at me and lose a great deal of trust and that I would understand but I can see signs of the stuff mentioned here and I really don't get it. Someone said for me to think about if he cheated with someone younger and I thought about it and I would just think he was an asshole if he said that was the reason. I'd probably tell everyone we know but I can't see me taking his mid-life crisis personally. It seems like his biggest concern is that nobody knows about it so I can't talk to my friends and especially I can't tell my sister. And it's not like any of them would be impressed with me or think less of him; they would be on his side.

All the comparisons made in the previous message never even occured to me during or after it was over. It was different but not a cause for re-evaluating my sex life. The main difference was just in essence what it was: something I wasn't supposed to be doing. It's like if you ever did something bad when your were small or even talked back to your parents you got, or at least I did, a sort of thrill in your stomach; it was exciting. I hadn't broken any rules in a long time and I had that feeling and it was building as the evening went. Now sex isn't a single act that we so often sum it up as, it's a number of actions over a period of time that we slap a single label on. While this was happening that feeling in my stomach hit with various degrees of intensity and culminated in a euphoric feeling that is hard to describe. And then there is the phyical aspect of what is happening and it feels like that feeling in the belly is being pushed in and contracted. Then when it's over there is just this empty and utter feeling of dispair. I was crying in the airport and on the plane, in public, with no ability to stop it.

I would never think of telling my husband all this because it doesn't mean this other guy was better then him and it doesn't mean I enjoyed what happened more than my love and connection with my partner. He wasn't some sort of perfect sex partner but the situation that led to a lot of the sensations and not him. He was good and sex but so is my husband I don't see why I would even compare them.

We do need to see someone but he has this aversion to involving a third party. I haven't gotten upset when he says no and I am just trying to be patient right now. We tried to talk about it again last night but he is really internalizing this and I don't know how to make him just snap out of it. I don't know why he can't just blame me?

Mich, we're not saying you would compare that man and your husband; we know it was just an impulsive act.  We're saying your husband would compare himself with that man.  But anyway.  I guess right now just give him time, and find a marriage counselor asap.  Best wishes, and keep us updated.

Correction, empathizing not emphasizing, sorry.

T

Mich...Exactly what husbandcheatedon says about the details is why I filed for divorce from my wife- she held back stuff even in therapy for weeks upon weeks. Comment is so true ( men are touchy about sex acts )...Her attorney keeps saying she was to get back togethere and reconcile, I have not spoken to her more than 10 words in over 5 months. I have never responded on one of these sites , but reading these posts are giving me second thoughts about my divorce to someone I do still love and believes she loves me. who would have ever thought I would consider getting back with my wife...who knows.....Hearing all your thoughts moved me ...thanks...

this is just a frustrating read. Your husband is now defeated. First, him not knowing will forever kill him. He thought he knew something, and it turned out he was dead wrong. "My wife is my wife" but now SMASH, that core belief is now broken. A piece of him is now shattered. To really make the comparison, it's like someone proving to you with absolute certainty that god doesn't exist. How does someone who believed in god for 40 years walk away from that knew information? They don't. They break down. They search. "What else was I wrong about?"

your husband wants the details because he needs to figure out why he was wrong about you. What did he do wrong? If he had pleased you the way you described your ONS, would you have ever strayed? You cheated, but ultimately he blames himself. 

You already went through the grief of betrayal. You played both the husband part and your part in this therapy session. You're not looking out for him, you're just selfish. You cheated because it made YOU feel good. You confessed because those are YOUR principles. You want to start therapy because YOU'RE ready to start, so why not the (soon to be ex-) husband. 

You want to help? Leave him. You can play the marriage counselling game, but the trust is broken. He'll never be able to trust you, because there isn't anything HE can do to stop you from cheating again. You didn't know the reason you cheated, and still don't. That uncertainty will haunt him forever. You're not ready for a real relationship. You're just looking for a bedtime partner. 

Divorce him and let him find someone who will be in love with him. He didn't deserve to have core shattered for a one night stand. He didn't deserve to go through this because some guy bought you alcohol and cake. Stop being selfish for once in this whole thing and think about your (soon to be ex-) husband. 

Mark, I agree with some of the things you said, but I think there's still hope.  I think they can work it out together if they want. 

Mich,

Your marriage is not doomed as some seems to think but it is in mortal danger. What concerns me is that you do not seem to understand how hard this is going to be. You want your husband to just snap out of it and you seem judgemental of your husband for being insecure. He is going to be insecure, get use to the idea. And if your marriage is going to be saved it is going to be on his schedule not yours. If he is going to trust you again it is going to be on his term not yours. It will likely be very hard but imagine the alternative. You lose him and your family gets broke up.

T

Hi Mich, any update?

Yikes!

Mich,

i am glad to hear you guys are doing better. It makes me happy for you both.

No man could go through this and not take a hit to thier confidence. I would not know what to make of a man not shaken by such a thing. It sounds like you are better understanding this part of your husband. That makes me very hopeful for you and him. 

T

Hi Mich...I am happy for both of you. As Jo said still along way to go, but never give up. As I posted earlier I was considering talking to my wife after almost 6 months of radio silence - well I answered one of her calls ( she still calls me 3 times a week ) she was so shocked she burst in tears when I answered. I asked her out to dinner that weekend and we talked for 6 hours . We actually said the things we both wanted to know and I will tell you I am back with my wife ( I told her I will never bring it up again and has forgiven her 100% and for some reason in my mind I have ). So keep going and best wishes to both of you - find that way your husband can get past this and form a new love for you as I did with my wife.

great to hear this. I think not ever mentioning it again is the greatest gift you could give your wife and yourself.  Best wishes

Mich

There are a few  things that you need to address:

1.0 The decision you made ois a bad one and you have to understdand why you valued a "ons" more than your husband, otherwise you will repeat it again. You marraige is in like a shattered window pane in  a million pieces and so the value you place on it will be signifcantly less next time you are tempted.

2.0 Everytime you go into the bedroom there will be three people you, your husband and your ons. You have to figure out a  way to keep "ons" out for you husbands sake

3.0 What do you do when you have top go on your next busness trip or be away for a day or two? Communication is the key you need to get him to aggree about how much is enough.

4.0 Love - You say you still love your husband. It is impossible to love your husband and have an affair. He knows that. Yes I am a male You love being married, you love your hoem and kids and you may even like your hushand. If you still wnat to be  with him you have to figure out a way to love him again.

5.0 Do not play the "get over it and move on game with youir husband" or he will move on with out you.

6.0 Yes he blames himself for your cheating lilkely, he thinks "if only I was a better lover this would not have happen" You need to tell him a million times that you love him and make sure you have fun in the bedrom with him

7.0 Do not under any circumstances tell hem what you did with your ons, lie, lie, lie if you have to

8.0 Your say it was only sex but your husband knows that you could not cheat and still love him. Figureing out a way to fix this is you most dufficult task

I wish you the best but do not belive from your words so far that you have the strenght to see this through. It is along and difficult process and most divorce as it is easier.

You talk about hime throwing away 16 years of marraige but you did exatly that with your ons. You can start a new realtionship but it does require a lot of work.

Yes it has been 45 years for me and my wife when she cheated before we were married. Shae claimed athat she chaeted on her byfriend with me and i belived it was the reverse. BUt I fogave her but  have not forgotten. She has been faithfull and I have enough checks in place to be sure of it and we communicate a tom especially when we are apart.

dbo hit the nail on the head when he said "it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the sex". When you made the decision you valued your marrige less than a ONS. That tells us and should tell you as well that there is soemthing wong in your marriage (It is likley your husband knows something is wrong also). You also went home and told your husband which is really a cry for help. If it was just sex you would not have said anything to him. If you and your husband can find out what went wrong in the marriage and work to fix it you can have wonderful life and a wonderful marriage. If not fixable at least you will ahve  given it your honest and best try amd you both can find love with somone else. Making a cry cry for help does not make you a bad person so leave that in the garbage can.

Hi Mich....Please read my post up above....I do believe you love your husband - even more now.....You are right that we all make mistakes and we all do...I know I did for sure .But I am back with my wife and happy....Do not give up......

Hey JP, I just read what you wrote. I think that it is wonderful that you are willing to try and I really hope that it works out. Of course, you know about what feels right for you better than anyone here. I hope your feeling are the right ones here. I don't pretend to speak for anyone else in particular, but I can tell you that in general it is possible to make a mistake and realize that it was one. I'm not religious but I think that forgiveness is a sign of strength and not weakness. You aren't less of anything for being cheated on. I think it takes strength for a person to believe that but it is true. Let me know how it's going if you would like to :)

JP, hope all is well.  Please keep us updated.

We finally went to see a therapist the other day. It was a funny feeling but I think it's for the best. We mostly just talked about how the sessions would go and what each of us hopes to get from them. Calming in a way and nerve wrecking in another. Not a place I ever saw us being but I think it is for the best.

I'm not a religious person, but I'm praying for you and your husband, Mich.  It's a great start.

JP, how's everything going with you and your wife?

Heartwarming... JP, best wishes to you all.  You and your wife should write down your story.  It's better than Hollywood movies.  

It feels more or less that we are at a stage of re-defining what normal is. Therepy has been quite helpful, it has opened up new ways of talking about things without being confontational or intimidated. We don't talk too much about it, but when we have there hasn't been any yelling or crying and the result feels more like something was resolved as opposed to a setback. I even answered his questions and he didn't get mad; it was a very calm conversation. There is a long way to go, but we are in a much better place now than a few months ago.

Mich

Glad to see things are going better. It is  a  very long road and I still thibk about it 45 years later. It never completely goes away but I love my wife more than ever adn that all that matters. One other item you will  need to adress is revenge cheating. I travle a lot also and wound up at a womans door three times but stopped becasue of the love for my wife. One was seperated, one was divorced and one was cheating. No you do not think he would ever do this but then he thought you would never do it also.

The ONS appaers from your words to be well thought out and preplanned to have just "happened" I have been struggling to understnd this. WAs this one of your "fantisies" that you decied to act upon. You told the oNS at your door that you were married, where were your wedding rings? Did you take them off before you went to the bar? There awerwe at least 5 times where you could have stopped this. Anyway, does nto matter whats done is done.

What worked for me is when my wife said thta she codul not change teh past, that she coudl only best teh best person and wife in the future by proving it every day, which she did. Yes we still have our problems but have learned to sort them out and yes sex can be boring but still the BEST if you love someone one. When we were first married we woudl havs sex all night, somtimes 5 times, likley this helped us to stay togther I do not know for sure.

I never seriously thought about actually doing anything. If the questions is, "did you ever have a sexual fantasy about another man?" The answer is obviously yes, but that falls far short of planning to do anything at any given time. I had my wedding band on just like any other day and didn't feel anything expect bored when I went down to the restaurant. That doesn't absolve me from the fact, that I have acknowledged, that I could have stopped this at a number of different points at any time in the night before it happened. I got caught up in the excitement of it all and was a victim of my own vice and poor decision making.

I'm not a mind reader, but my husband hasn't expressed any notion that he wants to get revenge on me or that he stopped loving me as a result. We have been going to therepy where he has had plenty of chances to raise such concerns. Most of the pain that I caused from this are reflective damage that he tends to internalize rather than places the blame on me, where it belongs. I don't take what I did lightly, but in my mind it did not have anything to do with a shortcoming of his. Honestly, in many ways the incredible amount of self doubt that he had bothers me but I've tried to be understanding through this whole thing and always keep in mind what brought these feelings to the surface. 

Mich,

As you have experienced, the illicit excitement of the evening can be seperated from the pain induced in the relationship. Many, who have gone through similiar experience, find the conflict confusing as they will masturbate to the memories of the sexual experience yet also feel very guilty (particularly after orgasming again after masturbating)

Has this been happening to you? How often have you masturbated to orgasm to the sexual memory of the night? Its natural to revisit it, particularly due to how hot your sexual fire burned and how aggressively he fucked/ seized your wet pussy.

Did he pull out?

I'm not masturbating about that night. That was just a crude comment someone decided to make here; that's just absurd. I'm not sure everything is that fatalistic. The world has not collapsed or ceased to spin. The night was not more important to me than everything else. Important things to me are not things that I would take back if I had time to reflect on them. Things that I wished I could have the chance to not do qualify as mistakes to me, not important things. If anyone is so perfect as to not follow a certain path that, while not one instance, as a whole could be considered a mistake I doubt that person is being honest with themselves. Some people get stuck in jobs due to making a series of bad decisions that one day they realize the entire path was a mistake. Some of this will come down to semantics as I think a mistake can be an action that you did intentionally and regret and some thing it's reserved for crashing your car or slipping on the sidewalk.

I also don't think we stopped making love a result of this. There was no kinky sex that happened that night. I did perform oral sex but that isn't something that I won't do at home. I didn't expose my husband to any infections, I made sure I knew the results of my STI test before we had sex. I would never do something that horrific. Bored wasn't a term I was using to describe the state of my marriage I was using it to describe how I felt when I got to the hotel room. I wasn't even feeling horny when I went downstairs.

I haven't told anyone about this other than him. It's anonymous here so I can at least write a few of my thoughts down. I don't think there is any doubt between us that we love each other. This whole thing hasn't been easy on us but if we didn't love each other I would not be bothering. He says that he doesn't want me feeling guilty but I still struggle with that and struggle with it a lot and not just for my own self indulgence, I really feel bad about causing the pain I caused. In some ways I want to be punished and have something happen to me, I don't know what and it's not about the "what", it's just a feeling. Even months after it happened i've still had to go to the restroom at work from getting emotional. I don't feel like the heartless whore who just decided to try to ruin her family. 

I feel some people are beating a dead horse and keeping on pointing fingers.  

Well said, JP.

Mich - life is too short not to forgive your best friend ( my wife )...Believe your husband that he has forgiven you, accept this gift , and move forward...good luck....

Hi Mich, how's everything?

Mich,

How are you guys doing? I hope all is well.

T

After reading all the post  both Mich and JP are sluts and whores

Hey HurtH,

I really didn't realize the depth of the hurt it caused. We don't talk about it much anymore, but it is something which we are obviously consious of. I know he doesn't want me to feel bad about it anymore and I want the same for him. The dishonesty even after I told him really bothered him and the thought that I enjoyed sex with another man. We are committed to being together for each other and for the kids. Still some days I feel bad about what I did still.