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While Traveling for Work

I cheated on my husband

Friday, February 24, 2017 7:19 AM by Mich Rating: +344|-83

I'm not proud of what happened, but it happened. I was at a conference for work, I don't travel often and when I got back to the hotel I didn't know what to do. It was only 4:30 and I didn't want to watch TV all night. I didn't plan on meeting anyone but I did want to get out of the hotel room. I went to the hotel bar to sit at the table, read a bit and have a drink. There weren't many people there and I didn't expect to talk to anyone. That said, a man did come up to me and started a conversation. He was well dressed and maybe not traditionally good looking but he had a certain charm. He asked if he could sit, and I realized that we were flirting but it wasn't something I didn't think I could control. We talked and eventually agreed to have something to eat, we ordered some wine and had desert. We talked about all sorts of things, from home life and kids to work and whatever. He was a little older than me, probably in his mid 40s, I'm 39. I have been with my husband for 16 years and married 14 of those years. I never thought I would be unfaithful and it's not like men have never flirted with me before. I'm not sure exactly what was different this time, I know that the feeling he was giving me was more like I was a different and younger person. I do love my family and my husband, but this made me feel like I was free. After dinner he walked me to my room, I kept telling myself not to let him in. We got to the door and I told him I had a lovely evening but I was married and I couldn't. He didn't argue with words, he just gave me a look like he knew I was defeated here. Before long we were kissing and the kissing move inside the room. Soon we were on the bed and he was fucking me; fucking me really hard. The explosion of emotions are still hard for me to put into context. The taboo nature of the act was making my lust burn hotter. When it was done I felt so ashamed of myself. In the morning I got up to get dressed, I had lots of time before my flight but I did want to get out of there. I felt so corrupted and still do. I feel like I need to tell my husband but I can't bring myself to. I know that he has the right to know and then decide if he still wants me, but I am really just too afraid that he won't. Still I know he deserves the right to decide.

Thank you for voting.


Wednesday, March 1, 2017 6:24 AM

Do you have kid(s)?  That'll complicate the issue...

Let's talk about protecting yourself first: I take it you're having birth control?  And maybe you want to test any STI?

To tell or not to tell, it is a question.  I'm wondering though: in your opinion, how likely he will find out if you don't tell him?

Wednesday, March 1, 2017 8:41 PM

Well you need to first get checked for an STD. It sounds like this wasn't that guys first time doing this. He charmed his way into you, if you catch my drift.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017 11:27 PM

First of all, get checked for an STD ...

Never tell to your husband, it`s just one night stand, in a few time you forget, if you tell him, he will never forget

Friday, March 3, 2017 11:33 PM

You should tell him and be ready for really bad blowback. Its not fair to him to withhold this. As you said he sjould get to decide where your marriage goes from here. Wont lie i dont think i could forgive it myself but the chances are better that 8 could if i wasnt lied to or someone hid it. If they did and i found out there would be no chance at all. 

Sunday, March 5, 2017 7:14 AM

I have gone for both tests. I'm not that irressponsible. I was fine on both accounts, I know I got lucky.

I still don't know if I will say anything. I do have a lot of guilt though. I tend to agree that it's not fair to withhold it. But I can't seem to find the right words.

Sunday, March 5, 2017 7:17 AM

We do have kids and there is no way he would find out if I don't say anything.

Sunday, March 5, 2017 8:43 PM

Glad you got checked and nothing came up. Honesty is almost never easy, but it's the only way to make a relationship work in the long run. Things left unsaid and emotions unexpressed will inevitably bubble to the surface, and the longer it takes the more unpleasant it is to deal with them. Be strong, be true to your values, and put the truth out there. The bond between two people who genuinely care for one another is surprisingly fierce.a123

Monday, March 6, 2017 4:01 AM

Indeed it's such a difficult decision.  If you don't tell, it seems everything will be ok if nobody knows.  On the other hand though, even if he never finds out, your guilt might potentially harm the relationship, and still you risk the danger that in some way he or someone else finds out.  If that happens, the damage can be irreversable.  

If you do tell, the marriage might suffer.  On the other hand though, you're being honest, and no more secret (which is a huge relief).  But I'll strongly suggest you and your husband go to marriage counseling straight away.  This can be a big storm and you have to be well-prepared.

Also, I'm just thinking that the fact that you had this one night stand might indicate that your marriage already have some issues?  Should you and your husband work on the issues?

So now it's up to you to weigh all the options and choices.  What is your altimate goal?

No matter what you decide, hope all is well with you and your family.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017 4:45 AM

I guess I'm going to come clean. I couldn't go to work today because I felt like I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I don't think our marriage had any serious issues until this, I think I have some of my own with anxiety about aging but my husband has been supportive, which makes it even worse. I am very remorseful, I just hope that he understands that I'm sorry for what I did and couldn't be more. I keep reading these horrible things online that basically say, "if you were sorry you wouldn't have done it." How can anyone be sorry for something they didn't do?

I really don't know how I'm supposed to start so I suppose the worst part first. After that, I just don't know. Like how much I need to say. I doubt he will just let me off with just "it happened". The truth is that I don't even know why it happened or how to answer that when he asks. I've been trying to think of why and I'm not sure there is a good answer. I never thought I would be a cheater and even almost two weeks after it feels like it wasn't me on that bed even if I know it was.

I don't know what to say if he asks other stuff too. How much is full disclosure and at what point is it cruelty? Or is it worse if he doesn't ask anything? I'm not really looking for answers here more just putting my thoughts out there to organize some form of courage.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017 9:51 AM

My heart goes out to you.  I guess I know a little bit how you feel... like midlife crisis.  I sort of had that... luckily I didn't have the charm at all and the girl wasn't attracted to me in a million years.  Yes, it is wrong, but I understand it can be much tougher than it looks to resist the impulsivity.  Still, we have to bridle our passion.

May you have the courage to do what you think is right.  Again, if you do tell, you must go to marriage counseling together.  The questions you ask (how much disclosure) I believe your husband wouldn't know either.  You need a professional to help you both sort out the emotional impact.

Will you please keep us updated?  No matter what you do--tell or no tell, let us know how you're holding up.  Best wishes to you.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017 7:25 PM

How would you feel if your husband did the same. You do know why u did it. Only YOU KNOW WHY.  I mean come on drinks at a hotel bar LOL.  Telling the guy  im staying at this hotel, ALONE. He took the chance and you took it. Simple as that. You wanted to cheat the second he was in the room. Marriage doest mean shiiit if you CHEAT fucking PERIOD. Ik youre not going to tell your husband what happened.  Most likely youll keep it to yourself and do it again .Smh. Even when men cares for their women etc etc (In Vice versa ) Its never enough.  

Thursday, March 9, 2017 5:20 AM

Don't care about the negative comments right now.  Focus on what you think you should do.

Thursday, March 9, 2017 9:17 AM

Do not tell him. If you do, he would have wished you hadn't. Trust me on this. It was a mistake on your part, and you have learned a lesson about your own boundaries. It really doesn't have much to do with him, so do him a favor and leave him out of it. The fact that you regret this, and agonize over it, feeling guilty toward your husband means that you in fact are a loving, caring wife with a conscience. Now please stop punishing yourself and let it go. You are a good person. This one action doesn't define who you are. 

Sunday, March 12, 2017 8:08 AM

Hi Mich, any update?  Is everything ok?

Monday, March 13, 2017 10:29 PM

Things are ok I guess. I confessed to the whole thing on Saturday. Saying he got a little upset would be an understatement. I think he called me every name there is for whore, I didn't like it but I didn't really fight back either, I knew he would be upset. At least I took the kids to my mom's before I said anything. I was very emotional and had a hard time expressing myself which made the whole thing worse. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I do feel like I had to so I don't regret that. I really don't know what will happen. We slept in different rooms on Saturday but he joined me in the guest room late on Sunday night and woke up there. We haven't said much of anything to each other since the fight and I don't want to bring it up but I also don't want to just keep going on like everything got resolved. All the anxiety and guilt that I had seems to be more just sadness now. I didn't expect it to be easy so it's just day by day now. 

Thursday, March 16, 2017 2:38 AM

I'm proud of you for your courage.  

Now, of course he's upset, and it's hard to win his trust back.  But don't give up because I believe it's possible to save this marriage.  You care about this marriage so much you're willing to risk everything and to be honest.  That's a good sign.  

Again, I strongly suggest you together go to marriage counseling.  

If you don't mind I ask, how old are your kids?

Thursday, March 16, 2017 7:33 AM

More importantly, do you think your husband will be willing to go to marriage counseling with you?

Thursday, March 16, 2017 8:45 AM

How about the courage not to cheat on her husband and possibly destroy her kids future????

Thursday, March 16, 2017 3:16 PM

If I was your husband, "it just happened" certainly would not be an acceptable answer. If you cannot figure out, or honestly tell your husban, why you cheated, how can he have any confidence that you will not do it again? You flirted with someone who is not your husband. That, to me, crosses a line. I don't feel comfortable doing anything with another woman that I would not do in front of my wife. Once it was clear that his intentions were sexual, you should have shut it down. The main point, however, is that the sex did not "just happen". At some point, you made a decision to sleep with the guy. Why you made that choice, when you say you love your husband and family, is what you need to figure out, possibly with the help of a counselor. Yes, the taboo of cheating is exciting, but you resisted the urge on previous occasions, so why not on this one? You said that the fling made you feel "free." I suspect this is closer to the truth that you are hiding from yourself. You have responsibilities as a mother and wife that may weigh on you more than you are willing to admit. You knew you were married. From the way you described it, the guy knew you would sleep with him even before you got to your hotel room, so you probably made the decision to cheat before that point. What was going through your head? If you told your husband that you want to go to counseling to try to figure out why you made the decision to cheat that might give him more confidence that you will not do it again the next time you are out of town and bored. As it is, I would not trust you enough not to worry that you will tempted by the next charming guy who comes across your path.

Sunday, March 19, 2017 2:41 AM

How's everything?  Has your husband talked more to you?  How are kids?

Tuesday, March 21, 2017 6:22 AM

God bless us people. If you love someone just love that person everyday more and more. Its not childish its just love people. Read the bible and praise the lord. Live in harmony and it all will be good!

Proud of you mommy. Next time dont fuck a stranger, I hope you realize that you did just destroy your tons of year of love aura. Since now welcome to the second life. Watch out there folks. Love your loved ones and live the life!

peace out!

God protect all the children

Dios Bendishona tur hende! Dushi -xxx-

Wednesday, March 22, 2017 6:29 AM

Goodness, self-righterous trolls...

Thursday, March 23, 2017 1:10 AM

Things have setttled down a bit I guess. He doesn't want to talk about it much, but things feel sort of normal. He said he would go to therapy, but then he wouldn't go if the therapist is a woman and then he wouldn't go if it's a man; seems like it has to be a woman over 60 or he won't go. This sort of limits the options. I don't really get it, I'm the one who cheated I should be embarrassed. It's not that I'm not embarraased but a therapist is a professional, they see this all the time. In any case he has nothing to be embarrassed about. But I feel like I'm inviting a fight if I bring it up and he seems content not to bring it up but I can see it being something worse if we don't find a way to communicate about it and really leave it behind.

Thursday, March 23, 2017 5:22 AM

It's quite normal he constantly changes his mind, but I feel it's very positive that he's willing to go to therapy.  I think you're absolutely right to not bring up different opinion about it; just let him sort things out.  Give him some space while let him know you'll always be there.

And that's important: you have to try to understand how he feels (for example, suppose he were the one who cheated, how would you have felt?  What would he have to do for you to trust him again?), and try to help him gradually understand that you are trustable.  It hurts him really deep; he feels he's inferior, he's not good enough, you don't love him...  to win the trust back is a very long process.

Are there any specific things you think you would do?

Friday, March 24, 2017 3:00 AM

Not sure what I can do. It's not really something that can be taken back.

Friday, March 24, 2017 8:04 AM

Of course it can't be taken back, just like you can't undone the wound if you cut someone with a knife.  But you can clean it up, care for it, help it heal.  It might heal funny, might not look perfect, but if you're sincere and careful, the damaged part should have a good chance to function well again.  It depends on how much you're willing to make it work.  

Actually, when you confessed, was it because you loved your husband, wanted to save this marriage, or simply out of guilt?  I think they're all related, but might have some slight differences..

Saturday, March 25, 2017 12:13 PM

forgiveness is very hard, revenge is easier, you will experience his innate character of as a result of this crisis but only time will tell which direction it chooses

Saturday, March 25, 2017 12:17 PM

cuckoldry is embarrassing for men

Saturday, March 25, 2017 6:44 PM

Listen, promiscuity is fine. If you and your husband are the type that talk about fantasies, tell him. If you don't speakof these things, then don't tell him and DO NOT feel guilty. It's difficult to keep faithful to just one person your whole life IF you have opportunities when apart from your significant other for more than a day or more. The daily grind is one thing, but when you go away for a few days for whatever reason, if it happens it happens. ENJOY the experience. You don't say if protection was used. THAT could be a disaster in more than a pregnancy.

Saturday, March 25, 2017 7:56 PM

Men has a point...

Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:04 PM

I can't post comments properly

Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:19 PM

Your husband, I imagine, is struggling with forgive vs revenge, knowing nothing vs learning every detail

Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:21 PM

e.g., I don't want to know and I don't care vs. is he better at sex?  Is he bigger?  Last longer?  You climax?  How many times? All the painful comparisons

Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:23 PM

"So I'm not good enough?  What did I do wrong or not enough?  Is it my fault?  I'm not a man?"

Saturday, March 25, 2017 8:24 PM

Does your husband has anything to do with the fact that you cheated?  If not, you have to let him know that.  Did you let him know that?

Sunday, March 26, 2017 7:18 AM

I'm don't think he will get vindictive over it. If he does I think that's worse than anything I did. What happened was a weakness of character but I didn't feel malice. I get the insecurity stuff to a degree, but I also don't think one night wipes out 16 years. I don't think I need to get into all the details of that night with him, the important part is that I'm sorry about it. I have let him know that this wasn't about him, but I'm not sure how many different ways I need to say that. It was impulsive. Obviously it didn't happen in a moment and there were plenty of chances for me to stop it but I didn't. Yes, during the course of the evening I started thinking about what it would be like to be with another man sexually after being with only my husband for the past 16 years. But I wasn't thinking about it from a point of view of comparision. Like I wasn't trying to judge who was better or any of that nonsense. While it was happening I honestly was not thinking about my husband, I understand that is part of the problem, but until the morning I was sort of transported outside myself. That doesn't mean I hate my life and marriage, or my husband or any thing like that. I don't know why he has to ask me about the sex that's the last thing i'd want to know about if the role were reversed. I'd be hurt but I don't think i'd want to subject myself to more pain and really come off as so insecure. Doesnt the fact that I wanted to marry him and still want to be married to him say that I like what we do in bed? I don't even think that's an issue but I don't know how many different ways I can say that. I am willing to do what I can to make it better but I don't see dwelling on one thing as the way to make that happen. I know that I caused all this so I am mostly upset with myself right now.

Sunday, March 26, 2017 9:24 AM

To answer your question about still wanting to be married to your husband:  No, it doesn't say anything about you likiing what you do in bed.  In his mind, if you liked what you were doing in bed you wouldn't have gone elsewhere.  Your husband wants information so he can determine what course of action he wants to take.  Your refusal to give him that information indicates a lack of transparency, which in turn suggests dishonesty.  And dishonesty will certainly kill any chances of salvaging your relationship.  He's probably feeling that he's been conned for the last 16 years, and your refusal to provide the answers he's seeking will suggest that you want to keep the con going.


You say that giving him the information will be more hurtful to him.  I think you're worried more about yourself and the discomfort it's going to cause you.  It's not about you anymore.  The ball is in his court now.  You need to start being honest with him if want any hope of staying in the game.

Sunday, March 26, 2017 5:37 PM

Hi Mich, you said "I don't think he will get vindictive over it.  If he does I think that's worse than anything I did." "...but I also don't think one night wipes out 16 years." "I'd be hurt but I don't think I'd want to subject myself to more pain..."

What you said might be "correct" in its own right, but be careful: this is his emotion we're talking about now, and emotion is definitely irrational.  

Sunday, March 26, 2017 5:59 PM

I agree that for your husband, knowing all the details in fact might not be good for himself.  But I don't think you're in a position of judging what he think/do.  You can let him know about your concern (it's for his own good, and you understand his being so hurt), but it's up to him to decide.  

So did he really ask for details?

Also, you can't blame him if he becomes vindictive (unless, of course, he starts to hurt you physically), for example, he asks for a divorce, or he starts his own affair.  It might not be smart, might not be rational, it's damaging to this marriage (AND maybe the kids too), but at the moment you had another man, you lost the right of telling him "you shouldn't do that"

You can say "one night doesn't wipe out 16 years," but from another angle, he can also say "so 16 years isn't enough for you to stop seeking the one night?" Again, it's not a healthy thought, it's irrational, but it's raw emotion and you can't judge him for thinking that way (if that's what he thinks).  Remember: right now you're the one at fault, you have to be prepared for his all kinds of emotions if you want to save this marriage.

Sunday, March 26, 2017 6:10 PM

ALF said if you don't share information your husband is seeking that's dishonesty, that you want to keep it going, and you just worry about yourself.  While I'm not sure that's true, ALF has a point: you have to be 100% honest with your husband now... indeed in your husband's mind, if you liked his "performance" in bed you wouldn't have gone somewhere else.  And again and again, that's probably irrational, but it's his emotion and you can't argue with emotion.

Sunday, March 26, 2017 9:10 PM

Hi Mich - I was where your husband is now 15 months ago....My wife of 20 years had a ONS on a business trip under almost the same circumstances. She told me about 1 month after it happen. Very sorry and still loved me. It took me almost 4 months to want to know all the details of that night, until then so also thought things were back to normal - but they were not at all. All thr things Jo said he might be feeling are true and I felt them all - and still do....I wish I can tell you it worked out but it took me 8 months to realize I could not stay with my wife and filed for divorce...She was shocked due to the fact I did say I would forgive her, but did not mean I would stay with her as her husband any longer....We are in  the middle of a divorce and  I can barely look or talk to her anymore. Sorry to say its sounds like you do not know or understand how your husband is feeling.

Monday, March 27, 2017 12:50 AM

JP: sorry to hear that.  I imagine it is painful.  I hope you can find peace in your heart and happiness in your life eventually, and hope you can forgive your ex-wife, even if it takes time.  Do you have kids?  

But Mich, don't give up.  There are also cases that work out too.  

Monday, March 27, 2017 2:00 AM

I'm really sorry that this happened to you JP. I'm not trying to defend myself or anyone's behavoir. It was a very selfish thing to do. Would you have rather she just didn't say anything and pretended nothing happened?

It's hard position for me to be in right now too. If I do just say everything there are still stigmas about women enjoying sex. If he has cheated it would be assumed that he enjoyed at least the sexual aspect. For me, I'm supposed to say it felt awful and that he is the only one that can do that in a way that feels good to me. If I do say that he may not believe me and with good reason it would be a lie. But it's not a lie that I am truly sorry about what I did it's not a lie that I love him. I don't know what he could gain by knowing. I had sex with someone and I feel awful about it. Is he looking to punish me by making me confess more? He asked if there was oral and a few other things but that upset me and I haven't said anything yet.

And I know that I am in the wrong but I'm not about to wear a letter my whole life at some point we need to get past it or get a divorce. Although neither of us have used that word or anything close to yet. He still tells me that he loves me and we both know how much we love the kids. I don't think there is any one way to get through anything like this and I don't think everyone does or that everyone fails to.

JP I am really sorry for the pain that people like me inflict and I hope that new doors open to you.

Monday, March 27, 2017 6:35 AM

I see divorce coming.

Monday, March 27, 2017 7:39 AM


You need to talk to a professional. Even if your husband will not go it can help you to understand what you can do to save your marriage. 



Monday, March 27, 2017 8:11 AM

Actually, if you go to counseling, you MUST go with your husband together--if you want this marriage.  Only one goes usually ends up a divorce counseling.  This is from a counseling professor I heard.

Monday, March 27, 2017 8:35 AM

And I see your point, Mich; if you tell your husband the sex is awful you're lying; if you tell him it's good it hurts more.  You don't want to lie, but you don't want to hurt him either.  I think that's why you have to go to counseling together asap.  In a safe and non judgmental environment with counselor's skills, hopefully you together can sort it out.

But don't judge him when he asks.  It's very natural.  I think he'll keep asking for a long time--even if he's not asking you.

Indeed this world has double standard on women--men who play around are studs, women who play around are sluts.  People might be even more forgiving to men who cheat: "Oh, he's just being a man."  "It's just sex."  On the other hand, however, in your case you probably don't want to bring this up.  Cheating, no matter done by men or women, is still perceived as wrong.  You said you're not wearing a letter for your whole life, actually... unfortunately it'll always be there.  I hate to say that, but from now on, in your bed there are 3 people: your husband, you, and the ghost of the man you had the affair with.  But don't be despair; right now you both should start learning to cope and deal with it, if love is still there.  With counseling I believe the hope is there.  It'll take a while, but I know some do overcome.  

Monday, March 27, 2017 9:07 AM


I was cheated by my wife. It was 23 years ago and while we are still together I am past it I am not over it. We all know that there are more attractive people and that our spouses notice them. We know intellectually that they would enjoy it if they did have sex with someone else. But It is hard for a man to deal with the reality if it happens. It feels like a rejection. It strikes at your self worth. When you please your wife sexually it is an affirmation of your desirability and of her desire for you. By sleeping with that guy and telling your husband he has to deal not just with trusting you but also with the feeling of inadequacy that knowledge brings.  

I have read one of the biggest reasons marriages fail after this is that the cheating spouse loses patience with the betrayed spouse not being able to "get past it" My wive would be like that at times. It didn't help and almost finished us. You said you don't want to be wear a letter for the rest of your life and you shouldn't have to. However, this will probably take a long time to fix. It did for me. The trust it would not happen again was easy as the circumstances were unlikely to repeat and I knew she was sorry. But the hurt takes a long time and lingers still.  

Your husband has lost something something precious. He has lost his confidence in his desireability as a man. You wanted to screw that man because he raised a desire in you that your husband does not. I don't think you did it just because you could not wait another day or two to screw your husband. You said you have anxiety over your age. How would you feel if your husband stepped out with a younger woman? It would probably increase your insecurity.

He needs to grieve what he has lost and you need to be patient. that said, The one thing I would be careful of is do not let him bring this into other areas. What you did is not a trump card to win every fight. No "You fucked a stranger so I get to not do laundry" He was the wronged party but revenge will not give him back what he has lost. 

It it will take a long time. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to get past it but it was hard and it took months to get back to something normal and years to really not care much. 

Trust may be hard for your husband. If you travel he may be overbearing with calls and texts. He is going to be insecure. There is an expectation that men are strong and be strong, hence the saying "man up" but emotionally we are a vulnerable as anyone we just like to pretend it is not so. This is where a professional can really help you guys find the right ways to rebuild trust.

as for details. I understand why he wants to know but I also think it is a bad idea to give them. It will be very hurtful. What little you have said here would be hard to take. A professional could advise you on how much to tell. 

And do do not say the divorce word. Not even here. If you want your family to remain whole don't go there. 

Get to a cousler. If you have to fight about something fight to get help.

Your marriage, your family can be saved but it will be a tough road. 


Good luck,



Monday, March 27, 2017 7:54 PM

Hi Jo - Thank you for the kind words. I have a 18 year old daughter and she knows it all...Her relationship with her Mom is not good at all because of what she did. I tell her her Mom loves her and it was not about you - but she disagrees , she says she cheated on us both.

I will not start any new realtionships until the divorce is final ( within 2 months ) plus 6 months...I need space to heal and calm my inner storm....

Monday, March 27, 2017 8:05 PM

Mich only advise to you is when he wants to know the details tell him , do not leave things out as my soon to ex did ( I know you said earlier you do not want to be cruel ) . It cruel to let him find out their is more you did not tell him later on in therapy....It will crush him and create a wall of never trusting you again. That is the main reason I decided to divorce my wife was never getting the full story for weeks , every changing account of that night. That is what a ONS is all about when you decide to have a ONS you do things you never do with your spouse - he Knows that already...And be honest with yourself - you wanted to do it and decided to cheat....If my wife was honest about these things we might have gotten pass this - I feel you are a good person and want to work this out....I wish you the best and show him with actions how you feel and not withjust words....

Tuesday, March 28, 2017 7:32 AM

Guest "T" has some good point.  T, hope all is well with you.  It must be tough... how do you go by all these years?  You said you're "not over it," but I assume your relationship with your wife now is a loving one? 

JP, you advise Mich to tell her husband all the details, this I'm not so sure... I think it's probably better for them to go to professional and being handled there.  But I see your point, she has to be honest.  Mich, I think you can be honest on telling your husband the potential damages for knowing all tiny details, and suggest that it to be handled in counselor's office.

I also hope there're women sharing their opinions.  We are all men, we might have some potential biases.  However, Mich, I believe we're all here to give you the best wishes.  Hope everything is well with you and your family.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017 8:34 AM

To previous poster,

yes my my marriage is good today. But her stepping out still is a big deal for me. There was so much good in that time of our lives but the memories are bitter sweat. I love it that my wife loves to have sex but sometimes I resent it too because she fucked him for "the pleasure" as she told me. 


Tuesday, March 28, 2017 3:53 PM

Guest - I agree with what you say about being honest with a professional being there. I was not clear, the story changed in therapy many times as my wife did not disclose one big fact till many weeks in therapy.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017 12:50 AM

Hi, the "guest" talking to T and JP was me, Jo.  Sorry.

T, good for you.  I admire the fact that you and your wife can go through that.  Did you guys go through counseling?

JP, thanks for clearing that up.  That makes sense: if she's inconsistent, that's a really big deal.  That shows she's hiding.  Though I would imagine it's possible she hid it maybe out of fear.  But I don't know the detail so I can't judge.

Mich, have you found a counselor?  Any update?  We all care about you.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017 8:56 AM


i don't think he is asking for details to punish you. After my wife confessed to me and professed her love and contrition it was so difficult to understand how she coud love me and sleep with someone else. I wanted to believe her but I could not understand how it was possible to love me and do such a thing. I wanted information to figure it out. I wanted desperately to believe her but I needed to convince myself it was possible to do what she did and still love me.

Of course your husband knows you got pleasure doing it - it was sex and sex is pleasurable. I wanted to know if he was "better" in bed than me but did not want to ask directly so I asked piecemeal questions. I suspect your husband wants to hear that the sex was a dud and that the guy was a two pump chump. He is likely hoping that it was just ok/good but nothing extraordinary. He is likely afraid that is was great, mind blowingly hot and better than any thing you two have shared. If the sex was better - multiple climaxes, he was bigger, lasted longer, etc. 

You said in your first post you wanted him to know the truth so he could decide if he still wanted you. If you tell him the sex was better than with him he is more likely to not be able to deal with it. Your his wife he wants you to love him more than anyone else and he wants you to want to have sex with him more than anyone else. 

I got a lot of details that now I wish I didn't know. I understand now that it wasn't about me. But at the time it felt completely like it was all about me. understanding it was about her issues not my inadequacy made/makes it easier. But 23 years later and I still think about it virtually every time we have sex. It is sad but I have to think about it. At first I could not get it out of my mind so I made it into a fantasy to get turned on by the idea of her being fucked by someone else. 

It is is sad because I know the intimacy of the act is not what it would be otherwise. We have good sex but I do not know if we make love. I had to seaperate the idea of sex and love to accept what she did. If sex is about love and she fucked someone else how could it be that she loved me? 

You can rebuild trust, but he will never forget. To my wife it's ancient history. A poor choice she made when she was a young wife. For me it is an old wound that lingers on and will likely always be there. But my wife and I are still together and happy. We have three kids now. None when it happened so we didn't stay together for them. Will your husband get this messed up over this? I hope not. I have shared the deapth of my pain so that you realize that this can be hard. Harder than you might realize.

I don't know if that helps but that was my experience.

Let us know how this plays out. I will be very sad if you guys can not get past this. A loving family is a beautiful thing. If your husband loves you and if you follow his timetable. It will take time. You can not have a husband who loveS you, takes fidelity seriously and who just shakes something like this off quickly. Patience may be more important than honesty. 

Don't let him treat you badly. The first time you told him the barrage of insults was to be expected, and taken. But his feeling bad or depressed about this, his not letting go is not the same as treating you badly. Don't assume his actions are meant to punish you. They might be but give him the benefit of the doubt. That is part of doing what you can to save your marriage. 

And above all, get help from a professional. My wife fucked a guy 24 years ago and I still am not over it so what do I know?


Wednesday, March 29, 2017 4:58 PM

Great insight, T.  Much appreciation for sharing it.

Thursday, March 30, 2017 12:03 AM

I don't know what I thought but I didn't think he was insecure. I figured he would be mad at me and lose a great deal of trust and that I would understand but I can see signs of the stuff mentioned here and I really don't get it. Someone said for me to think about if he cheated with someone younger and I thought about it and I would just think he was an asshole if he said that was the reason. I'd probably tell everyone we know but I can't see me taking his mid-life crisis personally. It seems like his biggest concern is that nobody knows about it so I can't talk to my friends and especially I can't tell my sister. And it's not like any of them would be impressed with me or think less of him; they would be on his side.

All the comparisons made in the previous message never even occured to me during or after it was over. It was different but not a cause for re-evaluating my sex life. The main difference was just in essence what it was: something I wasn't supposed to be doing. It's like if you ever did something bad when your were small or even talked back to your parents you got, or at least I did, a sort of thrill in your stomach; it was exciting. I hadn't broken any rules in a long time and I had that feeling and it was building as the evening went. Now sex isn't a single act that we so often sum it up as, it's a number of actions over a period of time that we slap a single label on. While this was happening that feeling in my stomach hit with various degrees of intensity and culminated in a euphoric feeling that is hard to describe. And then there is the phyical aspect of what is happening and it feels like that feeling in the belly is being pushed in and contracted. Then when it's over there is just this empty and utter feeling of dispair. I was crying in the airport and on the plane, in public, with no ability to stop it.

I would never think of telling my husband all this because it doesn't mean this other guy was better then him and it doesn't mean I enjoyed what happened more than my love and connection with my partner. He wasn't some sort of perfect sex partner but the situation that led to a lot of the sensations and not him. He was good and sex but so is my husband I don't see why I would even compare them.

We do need to see someone but he has this aversion to involving a third party. I haven't gotten upset when he says no and I am just trying to be patient right now. We tried to talk about it again last night but he is really internalizing this and I don't know how to make him just snap out of it. I don't know why he can't just blame me?

Thursday, March 30, 2017 1:07 AM

Mich - who do you think he blames if not you...Himself?...I fell his pain and yours...So sorry for both of you. It may take him many weeks to snap out of it....It took me 4 months....

Thursday, March 30, 2017 2:09 AM

Mich, we're not saying you would compare that man and your husband; we know it was just an impulsive act.  We're saying your husband would compare himself with that man.  But anyway.  I guess right now just give him time, and find a marriage counselor asap.  Best wishes, and keep us updated.

Thursday, March 30, 2017 9:58 AM


Since you don't get his feelings you may have trouble emphasizing with his struggle. But know, even if you do not understand, his insecurity and internalizing this is normal. Try not to be critical or seem distressed by his insecurity it will only make him more insecure. 

I would take take it as a good sign that he does not want you to tell family and friends. It may be a sign he sees you together and he knows he does not want everyone he knows to know. If he was looking to get out he would probably want people to know why. 

Hang in there. It it will take time but most marriages do survive this. Trust me he wants to get through this and get back to normal he just does not know how. 


Thursday, March 30, 2017 10:08 AM

Correction, empathizing not emphasizing, sorry.


Thursday, March 30, 2017 1:59 PM

Hi Mich,

When I read your story, I think about your husband and his pain and I think: ignorance is bliss. You have great sex, he has the pain. Not really fair is it? It might have been better if you just would have carried the pain of your guilt yourself. Especially, when there is no way he can find out and you did not bring any souvenirs home in terms of STD's.

But you have decided that you did not want to live a married life of lies. This is healty I think. You decided to tell him so he can decide if he still wants to be married to you. I would say that this is also a good thing. You want to be known by him so he can decided if he still wants to be with you. This is good. But, if you want he to trust you again you have to come completely clean. If he wants all the gory details, you should say to him that he can have all the details if he wants but warn him at the same time that it is going to hurt him even more and that you are afraid that it is going to block the road to recovery and lead to divorce.

If you want him to trust you again you should let him know that you are prepared to give him all information he wants. Otherwise, he would still feel you are covering up and you just dumped this on him to get rid of your guilt and move on. I know, I have been there.

Men are very touchy about sex acts, especially if you did things with this man that you have refused to do with your husband. Stuff like this will kill him inside. He would feel inadequate. Men are very different than women in this respect so bear that in mind.


All the best

Thursday, March 30, 2017 3:33 PM

Mich...Exactly what husbandcheatedon says about the details is why I filed for divorce from my wife- she held back stuff even in therapy for weeks upon weeks. Comment is so true ( men are touchy about sex acts )...Her attorney keeps saying she was to get back togethere and reconcile, I have not spoken to her more than 10 words in over 5 months. I have never responded on one of these sites , but reading these posts are giving me second thoughts about my divorce to someone I do still love and believes she loves me. who would have ever thought I would consider getting back with my wife...who knows.....Hearing all your thoughts moved me ...thanks...

Friday, March 31, 2017 1:13 AM

JP, it warms me to read that you're considering getting back with your wife.  All the best wishes to you and your family.  

Friday, March 31, 2017 6:20 PM

this is just a frustrating read. Your husband is now defeated. First, him not knowing will forever kill him. He thought he knew something, and it turned out he was dead wrong. "My wife is my wife" but now SMASH, that core belief is now broken. A piece of him is now shattered. To really make the comparison, it's like someone proving to you with absolute certainty that god doesn't exist. How does someone who believed in god for 40 years walk away from that knew information? They don't. They break down. They search. "What else was I wrong about?"

your husband wants the details because he needs to figure out why he was wrong about you. What did he do wrong? If he had pleased you the way you described your ONS, would you have ever strayed? You cheated, but ultimately he blames himself. 

You already went through the grief of betrayal. You played both the husband part and your part in this therapy session. You're not looking out for him, you're just selfish. You cheated because it made YOU feel good. You confessed because those are YOUR principles. You want to start therapy because YOU'RE ready to start, so why not the (soon to be ex-) husband. 

You want to help? Leave him. You can play the marriage counselling game, but the trust is broken. He'll never be able to trust you, because there isn't anything HE can do to stop you from cheating again. You didn't know the reason you cheated, and still don't. That uncertainty will haunt him forever. You're not ready for a real relationship. You're just looking for a bedtime partner. 

Divorce him and let him find someone who will be in love with him. He didn't deserve to have core shattered for a one night stand. He didn't deserve to go through this because some guy bought you alcohol and cake. Stop being selfish for once in this whole thing and think about your (soon to be ex-) husband. 

Friday, March 31, 2017 8:38 PM

I think you cheated coz you need it because you let it happen and you mentioned the other men fucked you hard you mean it really hard this phrase sounds like an indication you both mostly had vanilla sex..(maybe). . I mean why you mentioned it specifically so you wanted it to happen then you felt it wrong .the best you can do is be straight you already come clean why hiding a little part let it go be open with him. Just a suggestion. 

Friday, March 31, 2017 9:04 PM

Mark, I agree with some of the things you said, but I think there's still hope.  I think they can work it out together if they want. 

Friday, March 31, 2017 11:12 PM

Hi Mich,

How is everything going?

Saturday, April 1, 2017 9:47 AM


Your marriage is not doomed as some seems to think but it is in mortal danger. What concerns me is that you do not seem to understand how hard this is going to be. You want your husband to just snap out of it and you seem judgemental of your husband for being insecure. He is going to be insecure, get use to the idea. And if your marriage is going to be saved it is going to be on his schedule not yours. If he is going to trust you again it is going to be on his term not yours. It will likely be very hard but imagine the alternative. You lose him and your family gets broke up.















Saturday, April 1, 2017 2:01 PM

T is absolutely right. Mich's husband is now in the drivers seat.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017 5:58 AM

Hi Mich, any update?

Friday, April 7, 2017 1:50 PM

Oh Wow!

Monday, April 10, 2017 3:20 PM


Tuesday, April 11, 2017 8:01 AM

Feel a bit self indulgent to be updating this. Anyways, we took a vacation just the two of us and it was nice. We were intimate, actuallly for the first time since. I know that I made a bad decision and I tried to make it as clear as possible that I wasn't trying to put that on anyone else. Mostly I tried to do my best to listen to him and not offer explanations or apologies. I had no idea that it would affect his self confidence in such a way but I'm resolved not to be judgemental about that and instead attempt to better justify that confidence in the future, be a better wife and partner hopefully.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017 8:44 AM


i am glad to hear you guys are doing better. It makes me happy for you both.

No man could go through this and not take a hit to thier confidence. I would not know what to make of a man not shaken by such a thing. It sounds like you are better understanding this part of your husband. That makes me very hopeful for you and him. 


Wednesday, April 12, 2017 3:44 AM

So happy for you, Mich!! =)

I'll modify a bit what T said about "No man could go through this and not take a hit to thier confidence," it should be "No one could go through this and not take a hit to thier confidence." Men or women.

Still no counseling though?  

Anyway, still a long way to go, but I'm hopeful that things will work out.  


Monday, April 17, 2017 7:48 PM

Hi Mich...I am happy for both of you. As Jo said still along way to go, but never give up. As I posted earlier I was considering talking to my wife after almost 6 months of radio silence - well I answered one of her calls ( she still calls me 3 times a week ) she was so shocked she burst in tears when I answered. I asked her out to dinner that weekend and we talked for 6 hours . We actually said the things we both wanted to know and I will tell you I am back with my wife ( I told her I will never bring it up again and has forgiven her 100% and for some reason in my mind I have ). So keep going and best wishes to both of you - find that way your husband can get past this and form a new love for you as I did with my wife.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017 3:56 AM

T, you see JP's message?  I believe it's mostly because of your sharing.  JP, it brings tears to my eyes; so happy for you and your wife.  May the rest of your life together be filled with peace and happiness.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017 8:03 AM

great to hear this. I think not ever mentioning it again is the greatest gift you could give your wife and yourself.  Best wishes

Tuesday, April 18, 2017 8:28 AM

Jo. I do not think my story mattered at all for JP. I think Mitch's experience and her geninue feelings are what changed JP's perspective.

Either way, what I shared and what she shared were painful things I wish neither of us went through, albeit from different sides. But if those bad experiences can help save a marriage I am glad they were shared so some good comes from it all. 

Saturday, April 22, 2017 7:16 AM
45 years


There are a few  things that you need to address:

1.0 The decision you made ois a bad one and you have to understdand why you valued a "ons" more than your husband, otherwise you will repeat it again. You marraige is in like a shattered window pane in  a million pieces and so the value you place on it will be signifcantly less next time you are tempted.

2.0 Everytime you go into the bedroom there will be three people you, your husband and your ons. You have to figure out a  way to keep "ons" out for you husbands sake

3.0 What do you do when you have top go on your next busness trip or be away for a day or two? Communication is the key you need to get him to aggree about how much is enough.

4.0 Love - You say you still love your husband. It is impossible to love your husband and have an affair. He knows that. Yes I am a male You love being married, you love your hoem and kids and you may even like your hushand. If you still wnat to be  with him you have to figure out a way to love him again.

5.0 Do not play the "get over it and move on game with youir husband" or he will move on with out you.

6.0 Yes he blames himself for your cheating lilkely, he thinks "if only I was a better lover this would not have happen" You need to tell him a million times that you love him and make sure you have fun in the bedrom with him

7.0 Do not under any circumstances tell hem what you did with your ons, lie, lie, lie if you have to

8.0 Your say it was only sex but your husband knows that you could not cheat and still love him. Figureing out a way to fix this is you most dufficult task

I wish you the best but do not belive from your words so far that you have the strenght to see this through. It is along and difficult process and most divorce as it is easier.

You talk about hime throwing away 16 years of marraige but you did exatly that with your ons. You can start a new realtionship but it does require a lot of work.

Yes it has been 45 years for me and my wife when she cheated before we were married. Shae claimed athat she chaeted on her byfriend with me and i belived it was the reverse. BUt I fogave her but  have not forgotten. She has been faithfull and I have enough checks in place to be sure of it and we communicate a tom especially when we are apart.

Sunday, April 23, 2017 3:07 AM

From 45 Years: "Love - You say you still love your husband. It is impossible to love your husband and have an affair. He knows that. Yes I am a male You love being married, you love your hoem and kids and you may even like your hushand. If you still wnat to be  with him you have to figure out a way to love him again." :micdrop:

You need to dig deeper. You say "The truth is that I don't even know why it happened or how to answer that when he asks. I've been trying to think of why and I'm not sure there is a good answer."

That's not good enough. He knows there was a reason and the longer you throw your hands up and shrug and say "idk" the less he will trust you.

The truth is that you are afraid to really ask yourself the question of why it happened because you're terrified of the answer. You've already wronged him and now your entire focus is keeping the marriage, because as 45 Years said, "you love being married, you love your home and kids [...]." You are attached to those things and so you are clinging to them instead of being honest with yourself and with him.

You're terrified to discover that you did this becuase you were unhappy with your husband, becuase you've already hurt him so badly. Now you have convinced yourself that "he is perfect and I am terrible and that's that." The reality is, if I had to guess, he is not perfect and you didn't have a perfectly happy marriage and this was you acting out to try to get yourSELF to wake up to this reality. This was Mich trying to tell Mich that something was missing. You wouldn't have done this if you were truly happy. Try to think not about the sex part with this other guy but how he made you feel. I'd wager he made you feel a certain way that maybe your husband used to but doesn't anymore.

I think it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the sex and I think your husband knows that. I think he knows there's something deeper that's wrong, and until you can come up with a better answer for him than "I don't know," he's not going to trust you. It's scary as hell but you have to dig deeper. Don't cling to the marriage for the marriage's sake. You BOTH deserve happiness. And don't set this up in your mind like "I am the terrible one and he is a saint." Chances are real good that you were feeling unloved in *some* way and this was you trying to wake yourself up to this reality.

DIG DEEPER. Be honest with yourself. And then be honest with him, even if it hurts.

You're by no means a terrible person but you are letting your fear get in the way of actually healing this wound, for both of you. Own up to this. You didn't do this cuz "sometimes doing bad feels good" and that was it. He knows that's bullshit and so do you. Own this. Challenge yourself. If you can truly answer the question of why this happened you may have a shot at keeping him in your life (if that's even what you really want). Don't sweep this under the rug. This happened for a reason, now go find it.


Monday, April 24, 2017 4:20 AM
45 Years

dbo hit the nail on the head when he said "it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the sex". When you made the decision you valued your marrige less than a ONS. That tells us and should tell you as well that there is soemthing wong in your marriage (It is likley your husband knows something is wrong also). You also went home and told your husband which is really a cry for help. If it was just sex you would not have said anything to him. If you and your husband can find out what went wrong in the marriage and work to fix it you can have wonderful life and a wonderful marriage. If not fixable at least you will ahve  given it your honest and best try amd you both can find love with somone else. Making a cry cry for help does not make you a bad person so leave that in the garbage can.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017 4:43 AM

I don't think anyone can say I don't love my husband; I know for a fact that I do. There are things called mistakes and I am by no means trying to shrug mine off. I have to live with it and I feel a lot of guilt over it. Someone mentioned that I don't love my husband but just being married and our kids. To me, that is part of who I am and of course our kids bind us in a way that would continue even if we didn't, but being thankful for that is part of how I feel for him. I'm not sure anyone expects sex after being married as long as he have been to be new and fresh every time. We go through lulls, sometimes go through the motions and sometimes there is nothing else like it and the bond feels better than any rush from a one night stand. I think I know "why" it happened, but truthfully, that answer is somewhat elusive and is directed at a failing in myself and not him. I had a weakness, I was attracted to someone and acted on it. I told him because I didn't want us to be a lie going forward if we continued to, not for a cry for help. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who is truly happy and content 100% of the time or completely strong in all circumstances. Marriage, to me, is about more than trying to attain something that is unattainable. It's about having a commitment, sharing good times, helping each other through the bad times and yes, even accepting your partner if they sometimes fail. What I did was incredibly selfish and went against 3 out of 4 of those, but since he is willing to try to 4th one for me that makes me love him even more. And really, I was not deep in thought when this thing happened, I just got lost in the sort of game. I'm not a perfect person but I'm not a worthless one either, things are always one or the other, there can be lots of in between. 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017 4:25 PM

Hi Mich....Please read my post up above....I do believe you love your husband - even more now.....You are right that we all make mistakes and we all do...I know I did for sure .But I am back with my wife and happy....Do not give up......

Thursday, April 27, 2017 8:13 AM

Mich, I trust the relationship is progressing?

Friday, April 28, 2017 12:56 AM

Hey JP, I just read what you wrote. I think that it is wonderful that you are willing to try and I really hope that it works out. Of course, you know about what feels right for you better than anyone here. I hope your feeling are the right ones here. I don't pretend to speak for anyone else in particular, but I can tell you that in general it is possible to make a mistake and realize that it was one. I'm not religious but I think that forgiveness is a sign of strength and not weakness. You aren't less of anything for being cheated on. I think it takes strength for a person to believe that but it is true. Let me know how it's going if you would like to :)

Friday, April 28, 2017 4:08 PM

Hi Mich , I will let you know as I hope you will also. I hear your words and agree about forgiveness and being cheated on. Its only been a few weeks but feels right. I do find her crying sometimes as the guilt is still a burden to her - I am trying to tell her we are pass this ( role reversal - strange ). I wish the best for you and your husband.

Friday, April 28, 2017 4:43 PM

JP, hope all is well.  Please keep us updated.

Sunday, April 30, 2017 1:41 AM

Hi Mich,

Good that things are looking up for you and your husband. But what puzzles me is that you say that this was a mistake. Indeed it was. But this does not happen in a split second like overlooking a stop sign and slamming into another car. You have spent several hours with this man. You went up to your hotel room with him and let him fuck you really hard. All the time leading up to this you have had the opportunity to say no and to stop the whole thing. But you didn't. I guess you did not think about your husband of 16 years at all or your children. All you cared about was your own hornyness which was more important than anything. Yet you say you love your husband. This is what I don't get. That you temporarily do not love someone when you want to satisfy your horneyness.

A similar thing "happend" to my wife so she says. Only I found out about it myself and she did not confess but was denying it until I presented proof. She also did not want to answer questions about the sex or give me any other information and also could not answer the question above. I have divorced her. It has hurt the children badly but I just could not be with her anymore. I guess I am not such a forgiving soul as your husband and JP.

All the best

Saturday, May 6, 2017 11:19 PM

We finally went to see a therapist the other day. It was a funny feeling but I think it's for the best. We mostly just talked about how the sessions would go and what each of us hopes to get from them. Calming in a way and nerve wrecking in another. Not a place I ever saw us being but I think it is for the best.

Monday, May 8, 2017 4:06 PM

Mich - Hang in there . Its scary as you know you will say things again and dig deeper into what happen. Just make sure you talk to your husband after sessions , he may hear things he never heard before and go inward. Keep him positive and yourself. best wishes.....

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 7:51 AM

I'm not a religious person, but I'm praying for you and your husband, Mich.  It's a great start.

JP, how's everything going with you and your wife?

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 2:49 PM

Jo - We are doing great , our relationship is differnt than before but I would say better. She went back to therapist for crying once in a while and we both were told its normal - she is still holding the guilt and regret but I make sure I suport her and say we are here now and need to look forward.....Thanks for asking.....

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 6:53 PM

Heartwarming... JP, best wishes to you all.  You and your wife should write down your story.  It's better than Hollywood movies.  

Thursday, May 18, 2017 8:06 PM

Hi Mich and JP, just wonder how everything is going... don't worry about it if things are the same.  Just care about you guys.

Monday, June 5, 2017 4:56 AM

It feels more or less that we are at a stage of re-defining what normal is. Therepy has been quite helpful, it has opened up new ways of talking about things without being confontational or intimidated. We don't talk too much about it, but when we have there hasn't been any yelling or crying and the result feels more like something was resolved as opposed to a setback. I even answered his questions and he didn't get mad; it was a very calm conversation. There is a long way to go, but we are in a much better place now than a few months ago.

Saturday, June 10, 2017 7:59 AM

Mich, so glad to hear the good news.  Hope all is well for the beginning of a new chapter.  Whenever you have time keep us updated.  We all keep you in our heart.

Friday, June 16, 2017 6:00 AM
45 Years


Glad to see things are going better. It is  a  very long road and I still thibk about it 45 years later. It never completely goes away but I love my wife more than ever adn that all that matters. One other item you will  need to adress is revenge cheating. I travle a lot also and wound up at a womans door three times but stopped becasue of the love for my wife. One was seperated, one was divorced and one was cheating. No you do not think he would ever do this but then he thought you would never do it also.

The ONS appaers from your words to be well thought out and preplanned to have just "happened" I have been struggling to understnd this. WAs this one of your "fantisies" that you decied to act upon. You told the oNS at your door that you were married, where were your wedding rings? Did you take them off before you went to the bar? There awerwe at least 5 times where you could have stopped this. Anyway, does nto matter whats done is done.

What worked for me is when my wife said thta she codul not change teh past, that she coudl only best teh best person and wife in the future by proving it every day, which she did. Yes we still have our problems but have learned to sort them out and yes sex can be boring but still the BEST if you love someone one. When we were first married we woudl havs sex all night, somtimes 5 times, likley this helped us to stay togther I do not know for sure.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017 1:06 AM

Did anyone of you use protection?

Thursday, July 6, 2017 1:51 AM

I never seriously thought about actually doing anything. If the questions is, "did you ever have a sexual fantasy about another man?" The answer is obviously yes, but that falls far short of planning to do anything at any given time. I had my wedding band on just like any other day and didn't feel anything expect bored when I went down to the restaurant. That doesn't absolve me from the fact, that I have acknowledged, that I could have stopped this at a number of different points at any time in the night before it happened. I got caught up in the excitement of it all and was a victim of my own vice and poor decision making.

I'm not a mind reader, but my husband hasn't expressed any notion that he wants to get revenge on me or that he stopped loving me as a result. We have been going to therepy where he has had plenty of chances to raise such concerns. Most of the pain that I caused from this are reflective damage that he tends to internalize rather than places the blame on me, where it belongs. I don't take what I did lightly, but in my mind it did not have anything to do with a shortcoming of his. Honestly, in many ways the incredible amount of self doubt that he had bothers me but I've tried to be understanding through this whole thing and always keep in mind what brought these feelings to the surface. 

Thursday, July 6, 2017 1:55 AM

It was a wreckless thing to do all around and protection was not used. One of the first things I did was get tested for STD and pregnancy. I was lucky and clear of both.

Thursday, July 6, 2017 2:35 AM
Guest Yes


As you have experienced, the illicit excitement of the evening can be seperated from the pain induced in the relationship. Many, who have gone through similiar experience, find the conflict confusing as they will masturbate to the memories of the sexual experience yet also feel very guilty (particularly after orgasming again after masturbating)

Has this been happening to you? How often have you masturbated to orgasm to the sexual memory of the night? Its natural to revisit it, particularly due to how hot your sexual fire burned and how aggressively he fucked/ seized your wet pussy.

Sunday, July 9, 2017 7:12 AM
45 years


Men and women interpret the same infomtion significantly differently. If you are materbating to the ONS, your marriage is gone 100% fort sure as you will do it again. Any one who will risk 16 tears of marriage, loving husband and family for a ONS where you could have got pregnant and and STD's that may no longer treatable by current day drugs becasue she was "bored" and doesn't understnd why her husband canot understand her is in serious risk of a repeat; if you remain with your husband even that long. What if you get bored again? Anopther ONS, the next one is easier?? What would you have done if you did get pregnant or had an incurable STD?

From his point of view his whole world has collaped. Everying he thought about you and his marriage is now a lie. Even if he loves you he may leave you anyway as he cannot deal with the pain and suffering. You still have not realized that youir life is changed forever  even if you stay together.

If a husband  cheats the wife only wnats to know if he loves her, if not they will ikley get back together.

If a wife cheats the husband cannot believe that could cheat if she loves him even if he still loves her. He will likely divorce her as he does not believe that she could cheat and still love him. This is thus a very great challange to overcome.He also believes that if he takes her back she will cheat again, probability is very high. You need to see if you can address this but it may be impossible as he never thought in a million years you would cheat the first time.

Your want to talk to yoiur sister and friends to get consulation and reduce your guilt. He sees this as "Bragging to your friends" how "Good" the sex was. They will take you side and  tell you he is an "ASS" for not taking you back and move on. His friends will take his side and tell him to kick he "bitch and whore to the curb" and find someone who acutally love him. If you actually do love him leave your friends and sister out of this. He would like to contain this and if you agee it works in your favour.

Before the ONS  he would make "love" to you, now he has "sex" with you. But as you said sex is good and after all you would do it with any stranger as you aready did. Now you are a stanger to your husband. He does not know who you are. He thought he knew you but now doubts everything about your past with him.

What you have going for you is, it was only once, you told him as opposed to him finding out, he wants to keep it a secret and if you agee it would be good.asWhat you have agaisnt you is husbands do not normally "forgive a  cheating wife" will blame himself that if he was a better husband, better with sex she would have never even dreamed about a ONS.  The first stge is "anger andblaming the cheater" the next stage  is internalizing and blaming himself (This is where you are now). The third stage is depression and anything can happen here. Th last stage is acceptance and seing how you can a both have rules that you can live with and will not cause a repeat. A repat is instant divorce.  Travelling will not very be allowed again without him as an example.

Sunday, July 9, 2017 7:14 PM

Did he pull out?

Sunday, July 9, 2017 10:18 PM
45 years

An affair is never about sex but there is sex involved so people think it is, it is never so simple at least for the person cheated on.

It is about betrayal of  your husband, marriage and family. It is about not be trustworthy again in you life time with anyone who knows about this. It is about questioning your entire relationship during the entire 16 years of marraige and even before when you were dating.

It is about why did you do it, need to undertand this or you will do it again.

He is guaging intimacy. What did you do  oral with the stranger, you anger at your husband for asking tells me  YES (do you do oral with you husband?) If not you are in deep trouble. You likely told him, you did not want any more kids but yet you had unprotedted sex with a stanger to have his child. You brought back  the possibility of STD's ( HIV aids, untreatable gnorreha) to infect him, your children and families.

You valued a ONS more than  your husband, marraige, trust, risk of pregnancy, STD's. I hope it was worth it..

Pretty soon you will be free (hope not BUT) to have all the one night stands your heart desires. Ironically the one thing that that was so important to you to have ( ie  the ONS) in now the one thing you dread, being free to have all the ONS's you want.

If my wife did this to me I would divorce her but still love her for the rest of my life. I could not live with the risk, pain and suffering that she would do it again to me. I hope your husband wants to still be with you but it will be a stuggle for him even at the best of times.

You tell us you love your husband, I like you spunk here but feel you have  stange way of showing your love. I hope he believes that you still love him but would not be surprised if he did not.


Monday, July 10, 2017 12:14 AM

I'm not masturbating about that night. That was just a crude comment someone decided to make here; that's just absurd. I'm not sure everything is that fatalistic. The world has not collapsed or ceased to spin. The night was not more important to me than everything else. Important things to me are not things that I would take back if I had time to reflect on them. Things that I wished I could have the chance to not do qualify as mistakes to me, not important things. If anyone is so perfect as to not follow a certain path that, while not one instance, as a whole could be considered a mistake I doubt that person is being honest with themselves. Some people get stuck in jobs due to making a series of bad decisions that one day they realize the entire path was a mistake. Some of this will come down to semantics as I think a mistake can be an action that you did intentionally and regret and some thing it's reserved for crashing your car or slipping on the sidewalk.

I also don't think we stopped making love a result of this. There was no kinky sex that happened that night. I did perform oral sex but that isn't something that I won't do at home. I didn't expose my husband to any infections, I made sure I knew the results of my STI test before we had sex. I would never do something that horrific. Bored wasn't a term I was using to describe the state of my marriage I was using it to describe how I felt when I got to the hotel room. I wasn't even feeling horny when I went downstairs.

I haven't told anyone about this other than him. It's anonymous here so I can at least write a few of my thoughts down. I don't think there is any doubt between us that we love each other. This whole thing hasn't been easy on us but if we didn't love each other I would not be bothering. He says that he doesn't want me feeling guilty but I still struggle with that and struggle with it a lot and not just for my own self indulgence, I really feel bad about causing the pain I caused. In some ways I want to be punished and have something happen to me, I don't know what and it's not about the "what", it's just a feeling. Even months after it happened i've still had to go to the restroom at work from getting emotional. I don't feel like the heartless whore who just decided to try to ruin her family. 

Monday, July 10, 2017 7:49 AM

You have the courage to admit of the thing you did, most people would not even dare speak to anyone and they would let that guilt eat them alive. If you dont mind me asking, what do you work as?

Monday, July 10, 2017 9:20 PM

I feel some people are beating a dead horse and keeping on pointing fingers.  

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 9:21 PM

Hi Mich - I understand the guilt as if you read above I am back with my wife a while after her ONS...We are doing great but she still suffers with extreme guilt with what she did...I make sure I always support her and have forgiven her 100% and never mention it, but she is suffering. I see you are doing  the same - You know what he did was wrong, but give yourself a break and forgive yourself...Focus on now and the future as I tell my wife. Therapy helps but you need to forgive yourself...Best wishes....

Thursday, July 20, 2017 8:50 AM

Well said, JP.

Saturday, July 22, 2017 7:07 PM

It makes me very happy to read that you have completely forgiven your wife JP. Our experience sounds very similar so I can relate to her not understanding that it has been forgiven. From the sounds of things we are both lucky to have supportive and strong husbands :) 

Monday, July 24, 2017 8:29 PM

Mich - life is too short not to forgive your best friend ( my wife )...Believe your husband that he has forgiven you, accept this gift , and move forward...good luck....

Tuesday, September 5, 2017 11:30 PM

Hope things will go well with u and ur husband

Saturday, November 25, 2017 4:34 AM

Hi Mich, how's everything?

Friday, May 11, 2018 6:55 AM

Weird to read again.

Monday, May 14, 2018 7:50 AM


How are you guys doing? I hope all is well.


Tuesday, May 22, 2018 9:05 PM

Hey T,


Yeah, we are doing well. Things aren't as tense as when I posted on this stuff. I don't think it will ever be forgotten, but we have moved past it. It did take really leveling with him about that night as many suggested here. It was very difficult to do, but once everything was in the open we were able to get past it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018 5:35 AM

After reading all the post  both Mich and JP are sluts and whores

Friday, June 15, 2018 11:06 PM
Hurt Husband

 Having experienced this myself when my wife cheated plus previous facebook messages to old boyfriends, plus general dishonesty and lies - getting her kicks or ego kibbles!

Remember - it's the lies and deceipt that kills things going forward! You were brave enough to tell him and now you're both feeling the fall out - never and I mean never under estimate how it's hurt him! Remember every day to say you love him, hold him and reassure him - be the safe wife he needs and you want to be! Always be there for him, especially if you feel he's down, distant or not being effective or decissive - wether at work or at home. He'll never forget but the pain with ease with time - normally takes 2 to 5 years to get over a trauma and that's if you're doing the right things!

Only wish my wife had the depth of charater, or to find it to help heal myself - it's not going to happen, so at some point I will decide what's right for me!

Take care and keep updating - it does help not only yourself but others who are looking for guidance during these difficult times!

Sunday, July 1, 2018 5:41 PM

Hey HurtH,

I really didn't realize the depth of the hurt it caused. We don't talk about it much anymore, but it is something which we are obviously consious of. I know he doesn't want me to feel bad about it anymore and I want the same for him. The dishonesty even after I told him really bothered him and the thought that I enjoyed sex with another man. We are committed to being together for each other and for the kids. Still some days I feel bad about what I did still. 

Friday, March 5, 2021 9:32 AM
Happily Married
Hey Mitch I just read your story. I'm glad everything worked out. I hope things are still going well. I'm not sure you still check here occasionally but if you do I was just curious if you still worked at the same company and since the ONS if you've had to travel to any conferences and how you and your husband discussed and handled it. Wishing you continued in your marriage

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