ok, I could really use some advice on why things have went this way.. please guys/gals.. I KNOW many will think "what a sap"(or worse) and will want to state so, but I'm in enough pain and would just appreiate honest thought..where I went wrong please tell me but please dont be mean(yeah,, I know I'm setting myself up,but it's worth a try)..anyways my story :

    My girlfriend and I got pregnant when we were very young..teenagers.. suffice to say we both decided to stay together and a couple weeks after her birthday when she was able to we were married..at this time we have had our 2nd and final child..she had a bad pregnancy 2nd time..miny stroke.. its was a scary time.. i'm stating this as I deem it important for later.for almost a year after we were married(our 2nd child was 3 months old..also note..both children were NOT planned..another story bought that not relevant here) my wife completely ignored me physically.. no "attention" of any kind.. i was still a young man and went to regular sex to nothing..I know life wasnt pleasant for her either but to completely ignore me was painful.after about 9 months of this rejection,I succumbed to another who sought me out.. I didnt want to cheat,but I needed to feel wanted. she found out and proceded to react as I expected and so deserved,I did try to "defend" myself as to why but knew I needed to relent to her emotional state.I let her be mad and dictate the future steps..she punished me a while longer slowly sex crept into our marriage..then she started to stray.many times(this is the "you sap" part) I have read many posts article etc. and realize the various psyc. reasons for her actions.. our life wasnt easy, we didnt have much,I was 17 when I had to start working full time to support a family and my opportunities were not very wide. my failures at supplying her with more "material support" was never by effort only ability. I understand he wanting something for her or not fully forgiving me for my stray etc.. but she wasnt just bad... she was viscious to me..she held back that "extra sex gear" for me but let it all out when she was with others..she strayed 3 times and things stopped.. our financial positioned chaned with time as did our sexual life..At this point I think it important to understand.. in all other things I couldnt ask for a better wife..but in as much as this is pleasing it also is distressful to me, how could someone who by any other measure is a wonderful wife who loves me dearly need to not only deny me that part of herself,but punish me with releasing it to others as I will explain now...her last early fling was about 6 years into our marriage.. she had 3 in about a 2 year span(that I know of..again no sap comment please).but on the "sap" area.. know well.. I did then and still know completely adore this woman.....again the source of my pain..now flash foreward 15 years.....

 its about 5 years ago and at this point in time our kids have moved out with families of their own,we are in a home we own(mortgage but ours) and our sex life has become regular and most often very pleasing.. it took time but the effort she was now affording me surpassed her earlier affairs(on one she stayed with him all night while I was asleep below(his house was after party) while he got hours I would mere minutes at best.. but now I was getting her best(or so I thought) one day while at a "toy store" we saw a flyer for a swingers club(i can see the heads wag already) it was a couple descision to maybe enjoy something together so we went..maybe 1 a month and it was great for the first while.. we never hooked up but she was usually i a sexual mood and she took it out on me and I was fine with that..untill.. the club moved locations and this new spot offered "on the spot" rooms for fun..(first location didnt) so we eventually tried to "hook up" with another couple.. didnt work out too well not real comfortable(me anyway) we tried maybe 3 times when I basically stated this really isnt me.. but she wanted to try more so I agreed to maybe let her try to have some fun( not just me saying this but my wife is beautiful,she was mature at this stage consider her a Valerie Bertinelli type..in other words men have always been interested in her.. so I allowed her to have some fun..big mistake.. she did everyhtin she could to not only make me feel forgotten but ignored,disrespected,unwanted and completely taken advantage of.. highlights include.. getting mad when noi-one approaches some nights and punishes me, forgetting and braking every rule i had for my permission and I dont think they were wrong 1) as soon as you want anything to "enter" any part of you I must ok it..2) when I say stop or go we stop or go.. 3) I say its ok or no way.. watching her give more energy then I have ever witnessed.. I dont want to get explissive but men we all like when we get "talked" too..figure it out.. well at best i get a 1-2 minute conversation and this 1 dude got altogether about 45 minutes out of an hour..understand what I mean and you'll understand my pain in this.. the final straw, the last time we went the actually was a lady there that actually had my interest..this last night her man was there but not her.. we were actually leaving a bit early when he approached her,I tolld her I didnt want this as she (his lady) wasnt here and this would eliminate my chance,but alas she did as she pleased and again gave more then i get and at the same time denied my possible experience..we never went again..she never was good at apologies...I can honestly say that in our now 30 years of marrige only 3 times has she ever,on her own came to me ashamed of something she did or reacted to and showed the proper remorse or regret.. every other time especially on this subject it always gets pushed back to me starting it with my affair.. I know uts just an excuse her "wonka golden ticket" to relay her guilt..I love my wife.. but I need to be #1 in everything.. if she "wanted" me simply as she has shown she can desire I wouldnt be writing this here.. her activities although painful I have dealt with by understandin at least the variant reasons for such behaviour.. its just her being so horrible in HOW she did things,never holding responsibility..I finally started to try to bring this up as I could no longer take it.. this started 14months ago and have tried 5 times with bad results.. xmas morning I thought there was hope.. she woke me up real early and said a few simple things.. she admitted to treating me horribly, she admitted I did nothing to deserve this,a bit more but the problem was again thinking of her i never pressed anything more even though i was screaming inside for answers from things decades ago..this wasnt the time to create her in an emotional stare.. was the holidays,then came her "time" so again i waited .. 3 weeks later she said something very disrespecftfull.I doont think she even realized what she was saying,but she complained if we could at least this 1 time(and it wasnt an important thing) do something SHE wanted to do..so I asked her..reminded her aout her talk with me 3 weeks ago and it was "I didnt say that" or "that's not what I meant" she basically retracted her apology.. bear in mind this was/would have been the first and i mean FIRST time she has ever really apologized for her actions.. decades ago when I would try to rebuker her action she got mad at me and punished me as well.. imagine that you walk upstairs,catch her in bed with another,on the drive home you start to vent about this yet in the end your the one who gets punished.. this is a perfect example of her viscious behaviour that i dont understand..I truly believe that in the end this boils down to a few possibilities why doesnt/didnt she desire me like these others..  to me its either I just dont do it for her...never have..or theres an emotional "block" thats the cornerstone of this behaviour..but not her anger towards me..to be very blunt... I have dealt with and can forgive her for being a [email protected]#t.. but I cant forgive her being a selfish viscious s#$t.. i need to understand why this reaction.. to me either her guilt is preventing her from properly taking her responsibility in this or maybe she really didnt love me as i thought at first.. I may be her choice of husband... but she hasnt shown me I'm her choice of lover...she once tried to ease me by stating "I'm with you...not any of them" but if i'm the model she wanted...why did  she find the need to test drive so many other models?? I could really use advice..in all aspects from men and HOPEFULLY some female insight into this.. why?? how should I proceed... what I want is to stay(as i said...i adore this lady) but I must be #1 now..I cant accept anything less... how do I know if this is not only what she wants...but if she is capable of this.. any advice anyone can give is appreciated..thank you for reading this..typing this was very therapeutic as i havent really anyone to confide in..too personal and would affect too many others..again thanx and I hope someone may have that little piece i need